The Ties
by 00000009
Summary: Kuriko, five years old and bored stiff, was at another grownup party. Her mother liked dull galleries and music performances her father loved business and was hardly any better. So Kuriko found 'The King'. King of the Sky. King of the Road…
1. Chapter 1

"Tell me you love me."

"Get bent."

"_Excuse_ me?"

"Excuse you? Excuse you for getting me into some snotty soiree? Excuse you for relying on _me_ to win over the sponsor? What exactly would you like to be excused for this time?"

"Binding too tight?"

"…_yes_. And I can't work this damn bow tie." I muttered to the speakerphone.

"Tenoh, _Darling_, do you _want_ a chance at breaking into the international circuit?" My agent's distorted words buzzed through insipidly.

"_Yes_."

"Do you think you could finance that on your own?"

"…No, but,"

"Then _behave_." He paused to breathe out in irritation. "There will be some good-looking women there…"

"Well, I _know_!" I checked my reflection. Nice suit. "There's me to start with…"

"_Funny_. One whiff of your gender bending tendencies and any right-minded sponsor would drop you in a second."

"I know, I know…_chick's can't drive stick_… wouldn't mind skipping on the bandages once in a while though."

"Not tonight. The guy's Abe Shun, corporate type. Likes to think of himself as a sports fan or something…"

"Great. And I have to kiss his ass?"

"_God_ no. You think I'd hedge my bets on ability to charm a _suit_? A rep will be there on your behalf; _he'll_ do the talking. You just need to turn up… mingle… network, _I don't know! _Just be there and act like you're enjoying yourself."

"Got it."

X

The event was as bland as I had expected. Some contemporary art gallery. Black tie. Open bar. Whatever. It was a matter of a brief series of pointless introductions to a bunch of guys, most of whom had brought their wives… making the whole woman-chasing deal too hazardous for my rep's liking. Brilliant. I took a glass, moved out of the conference center and ducked around the back way.

I sat only a moment, obscured by some kind of asymmetric architecture, before a giggle alerted me to my lack of seclusion. A child's laugh. My eyes hadn't quite adjusted to the dark before the snickering scuffler revealed itself, _herself_, from the garden's border only a few meters away.

"What are you _doing_?" She laughed as though _I_ were out of place in the situation.

Cute. Holding her hands behind her back and rocking slightly cautiously from toe to heel, she appeared pale in the evening light, no older than five, obviously wearing 'the party dress.'

"Just sitting."

"Out _here_?" I was still missing out on the joke.

"Mm hmm. And you?"

"Nothing." She maintained her pendulum imitation. "I heard there were cats at this place, did you see 'em?"

"Cats?" At an art gallery? "Nope, afraid I can't help you… Do your parents know you're out here?"

"Oh _yeah_." She flopped her hand at the wrist dismissively, obviously a trait picked up on from adult company. "They have grown-up chats to do."

"Huh." Guess not.

"Yeah, it's real boring with no kids here. _Plus_ I think the cats might be sleeping."

"Could be." Her arms were folded now. "Are you getting cold?"

"Nah, I like it here." Terrible liar.

"Well, perhaps you could try out this jacket for me?"

"A _Man Jacket?_"

"A…? Yes… It's getting a bit heavy for me. You'd be helping me out."

"O-_Kay_…I don't normally wear _Man Jackets_." She concentrated on securing every button.

Guess the chest binding came in handy.

"No of course not. You're clearly a _Lady_." She laughed at this.

"Lady!? I'm a girl!" She raised and lowered her arms like a wet sea bird.

"A girl?" I did my best incredulous act. "I thought you were a lady! I was going to ask you to dance with me!"

"…I can still dance." She shrugged, suddenly shy.

"Oh, _I_ couldn't," I mimicked her previous hand flop. "Definitely not out here."

"Hm." She looked thoughtfully at the ground for a moment, clearly avoiding the 'grown-up-chat-area.'

"We _can_ go dance _inside_…"

"Wonderful." Get the kid out of the bushes anyway. "And what is your name, young lady?" I affected a pompous tone. She took my hand through a scrunched blazer sleeve.

"Kuriko… Uh, _Your Greatest Majesty Princess _Kuriko."

"Very well, my greatest majesty princess Kuriko. Shall we go in?"

"Yes. No, _you_ say _your_ greatest majesty…"

"That's what I said."

"Oh. Come _on_." She pulled me up the stairs. "What's your name?"

"Haruka."

"Mm… Like are you the King of something…?" She voiced in her best 5-year-old-royal impersonation.

"Me? Of course… King of the Sky… King of the Road… King…"

"No you can only pick one thing."

"Oh, I see." Juvenile logic.

"King of Dancing?"

"Only tonight."

"Are you married?"

"Absolutely not!"

"Me neither." Another shrug.

"Well obviously we're both too busy for that kind of thing."

"Yeah…"

She moved less eagerly as the light and noise of the function area increased. For that moment I understood completely. Eighteen years previously, that was me – the five year old at the twenty-thirty-forty plus convention. Perks of a rich upbringing. I crouched down to her level. It was a forest of legs, dark suit-pants, clicking, clapping heels, all converging, pausing and navigating across the marble floor.

"Need a lift? My greatest Majesty?"

"Uhm yes… I need to see my people." Kuriko raised her arms, feigning noble disinterest at her predicament, though shrieking gleefully at the sudden ascent. Held against my painfully crushed chest, the kid took a moment to observe her surroundings, pointing a small arm out towards the string quartet.

"That way to the dance." She instructed.

I winced as sandals wrapped and spurred the sides of my ribcage. My bow tie that had taken so long to fasten was being slowly loosened through her inspection.

"King?… You're not very big are you?" she kicked her legs around again experimentally

"Ouch… bigger than _you_."

"Hmm… is this like a hair ribbon?" she was still pulling at my neck.

"Not really. More of a neck ribbon." I looked pointedly at the musicians.

"Oh we made it!" She enthused.

"Yep." I pulled back to look at her. "Now, My Highness…"

"_Your_ Highness!"

"Sure. I hear you are a famously good at the waltz!"

"No." She looked down slightly. "We did the bunny hop one at school…?"

"Ah… I don't know that one…"

"Oh."

"But I have a plan."

"How are you at balancing?"

"_Pretty_ good."

"Right." I set her down. "See if you can balance on these shoes."

"_Stand_ on your _shoes_?" I held her hands to keep her from falling. "'Kay… Ah!"

"Now we're waltzing."

I took small slow steps in a miniature dance formation. Kuriko-chan. Not the kind of girl I tended to dance with, though I found I was enjoying the characterless event despite myself. She exhausted her remaining energy through a combination of intense concentration in anticipation of my next foot movement… and utter hilarity as she failed and relied on clinging to my arm to avoid hitting the ground.

She clapped to the musicians through her sleeves at the end of each piece, tiredness pulling at her eyelids.

"King?"

"Hmm?" Stubborn as anything, she was virtually sleep walking.

"Can I go up?" The girl raised her arms for me to lift her.

Her head bobbed a moment before lying against my collarbone.

"You don't smell like my Daddy." She murmured. Finally.

"Really." I spoke quietly. "Which one is he?" I swung around slowly to allow her to see the collection of suits talking raucously by the bar.

"That one." She flipped her arm non-committaly." To my shock the sponsor appeared in the middle.

"Mr. Abe Shun?"

"Yup." Her eyes were closed.

I raised my gaze to him, one he returned, lifting his glass and mouthing an "Oh" to see the familiar child at my chest. Bastard. Clearly no chance of him stopping his conversation to collect my dance partner. Furthermore, my newly acquired friend was now rather too unconscious to assist in pointing out her mother. I turned away again rocking the two of us back and forth in time to the softening strains of the quartet.

A woman smiled from over the shoulder of her dance partner, looking between the sleeping bundle and myself. I smiled back, having forgotten the woman-pulling power of a cute kid…

"Kuri-chan…!" A softly scolding voice at my back. The mother presumably. The _completely stunning_ mother…

Deja vu hit like a punch in the stomach.

Her eyes were clear, startlingly blue… concerned. Even in that slow moment, caught in the midst of such triviality, she moved in her own time, the grace of a geisha guiding her limbs.

Figures.

Abe would be involved with a model.

"Mama…" She opened her eyes slightly, accepting defeat. "Have you met the King?"

"The… _Oh_, my," she smiled prettily back to me, her anxiety allayed. Her daughter's cheek was cupped against my chest.

"And I suppose you helped this gentleman in his Elvis impersonation?" She indicated my upturned collar. Back to reality.

"Hmm…" She pulled back from me, ready to return to the ground. "Not _that_ King..."

I raised my hand as a quick goodbye, job done. Didn't want to get into the whole domestic conversation. Deja vu rattling insistently in my mind, I straightened my collar and walked out towards the parking lot. If that wasn't networking enough, too bad.

"Not Elvis?"

"Nah, King of the Sky and King of the Road and of Dancing…"

"You don't say…?" Their voices trailed after me.

X

M

X

Kuri-chan was completely worn out by the time we arrived home, for a moment I considered scolding my husband for the late night, though he seemed on such a high following the evening I couldn't bring myself to.

"My best girls!" He said, putting an arm around my waist as we left our daughter's room. "Always the prettiest girls at a party."

"You had a successful evening?" I took away my arm to remove my earrings, already knowing his answer.

"Of course!" He stole a rough kiss before dropping his clothes on the way to the ensuite bathroom, not stopping our conversation through the roar of the shower.

All go. President Abe.

It was one of the things that first drew me to him. He inherited his title as company president following his father's passing five years previously. It was remarkable, they had said, remarkable, _given the circumstances_, that he should pick up the reigns so convincingly. He never stopped.

Of course, when we first met his infatuation was clear; it wasn't foreign attention to me. I believe in our voiceless playing musicians have an unfair pulling capacity on the hearts of our audience. To nakedly express the emotion of a piece. To bow slightly as the finish as though it were just another performance. It wasn't fair. He was smitten. Ready to devote millions to endorse the arts. I was flattered, though no more than usual. Not at first.

"I've decided to go forward with the sponsorship!" Came the sound from the bathroom.

"I see."

"Our logo blitzing across the finish line! Picture that!"

"You're very confident?"

"Did you meet the guy? Young guy. Tenoh Haruka. Ladies man!"

"A ladies man? You're not afraid to put your name to potential scandal?"

"Darling…" The water was shut off. He came forth wearing a towel at the waist. " Womanizing shouldn't be so scandalous. Anyway, Kuriko didn't seem to mind…"

"Oh? Not …_the King_?"

"Sorry?"

"King of the Sky, King of the Road…?"

"Heh. Sounds like the devil."

"The blonde… He was dancing with her…"

"Right, right. That's Tenoh."

"She doesn't have such bad taste then, our girl." I smiled teasingly.

"I hope not!" He dropped his towel. "This kind of international visibility is exactly what we need." I raised an eyebrow. He squared up to me, smiling gently.

"You'll come with me to see the race?" We fell onto the bed.

"Beastly, noisy machines?" I laughed.

"Just your cup of tea…" His unshaven face scratched lightly where he kissed my neck.

We didn't do this so often recently, four years into the relationship. It happens; familiarity, complacency, domesticity… we had that on top of the pressures of work to keep us occupied. It was a good marriage. He smiled down at me. Foolish man. Always so proud of his business achievements. I lifted my hand over my eyes.

Honestly.

A sponsorship deal with a sportsman. Tenoh Haruka. I have to say though; the strangest feeling had come over me. Deja vu. Like a skipped heart beat, or a sudden breath. Certainly I could see why women were drawn to him - we hadn't even spoke a word and yet, standing there with star-colored hair, with his determined eyes.

I felt my body warming.


	2. Chapter 2

"…So she breezes in and out of our lives, unpredictable and mysterious as ever…" He was trying to be funny. At 9:00 am. Goddam agent.

"Using poetry? You think you can change me?" I growled into the phone.

"Heard from the rep – doesn't sound like you stuck around too long last night?"

"Last I checked I was free to leave when I wish."

"Look, calm down… I have some news."

"Sounds serious."

"It is… if you consider securing the bloody trophy winning sponsorship serious!"

"We got it!?"

"'_Course_ we got it! You're going places, kid. Fast. 300 miles per hour."

"I can't believe it! When do we start?"

"Uh… that's where the paper work comes in…"

"Eh?"

"I have to look through a few things before you're back on… well, _the track._"

"_How_ long?"

"Patience, my dear, is a virtue."

"_Damnit_! I-"

"Be in touch!"

"Hey-" The tone rung dead. I ran my hand through my hair, half in frustration, half in excitement…

It was going to happen. It was _going to happen_. I could almost kiss that President Abe! Almost. Eh…Not really.

X

I was only half out of the shower when the doorbell rang. The sound always made me wince slightly, the thought of being _"observed in the natural habitat"_ came to mind. Plus I couldn't recall any items left by women recently…? I answered the door in my bathrobe. No one should have such high expectations of me in the morning.

"Mr. Tenoh, I was worried I might have the wrong apartment." _Mrs. Abe_. Christ.

"Hi King!"

"Uh… royalty?" I made an effort to smile down at Kuriko, all the while cursing myself for appearing as I did in front of her mother. It was a relatively ambiguous bathrobe at least – no reason for her to believe I wasn't the 'Mr.' she expected. Her little girl had already moved past the entranceway and was investigating my lounge.

"Please… come in." I voiced reluctantly.

"Oh, thank you, we don't mean to impose…"

"It's fine really, Mrs. Abe, I'll just be a moment. I think some clothes might be necessary…"

"Oh, it's not…"

"_Sorry_?"

"No," She stifled a laugh behind her hand, "That is to say _it's not '_Abe.' It's Kaioh. Kaioh Michiru."

"Uh… Tenoh Haruka." I took her hand briefly, distracted by the sensation it elicited.

"I kept my last name when we married, " she explained happily, "It also kept my recording company happier. It's scary how quickly a name can be commodified…"

"You're not a model?"

"Model? No. A concert violinist…" she looked amused for a moment. "You thought I was a model?"

"I… well. A guess. I'll just go… and get changed." I cursed myself mentally. _Smooth_. I rarely ever got tongue-tied.

"I'll take it as a compliment!" She laughed lightly to my retreating back.

X

M

X

"Darling, we don't touch other people's things without asking."

"Hm." Kuri-chan gingerly, two-handedly replaced the photo frame. "Will he take much longer to get dressed?"

"Longer that half a minute? Wouldn't you be longer?"

"No, I don't think so. I just need to ask him something…"

"Oh? What's that?"

"_Mama_," she seemed exasperated, grasping my arm insistently, "you just _said _to_ ask _before I_ touch all his things!"_

"I see. I'm terribly sorry." I couldn't help but smile.

"It's O-Kay… you're just a bit… _dreamy_ this morning!"

"Oh, is that right?" I collected her in my arms, both to appease her mood and to keep her from wrecking any significant heirlooms. It seemed to work.

"Yeah…" She stroked my cheek briefly. "When am I allowed my ears pierced like you?" she cocked her head to better view the lapis earrings I had selected this morning.

"Junior High. Just like we said earlier…"

"Bu t that's aaaages…"

"The time will pass before you know it."

"Huh? Even waiting for the King is aaages…" She rolled her eyes. Drama queen.

"Sweetheart, you really should call him 'Tenoh-san,' it's polite."

"Tenoh-san?" He strode back into the room, beautifully dressed in white and tan. Stopping by my daughter, he ruffled her hair in that endearingly boyish fashion.

And I felt…

as I had the previous evening.

He was an attractive man; I would be lying to say otherwise.

"Just 'Haruka' will be fine."

"King Ha-ru-ka." My daughter mouthed deliberately. Couldn't help but try her luck.

"So Princess, what's so important a guy can't get a couple minutes to put on some pants?"

I felt Kuri-chan squirm slightly, aiming to return to the ground. I replaced her carefully. She stood a moment looking up at me to check on how far she could bend the rules.

"May I _please_ touch all your things?"

"_All_ my things?" He laughed softly.

"I'm sorry," I interjected, "We didn't actually come to invade your privacy, well firstly, I wanted to return your jacket." I offered it to him in the dry-cleaner's cover.

"Hey… I should leave my clothes with you more often!" He laughed. "You didn't need to have it decontaminated, really."

"Please it's the least I could do," I looked down, conscious of Kuriko's curiosity in her current environment. "Would you come out to breakfast with us? Unless you have other plans?"

"Uh, Sure… I could eat. It sounds like I'm at a loose end for a while anyway."

"Aw, mama… I wanted to see all these pictures. Even Tenoh looked slightly perturbed at the idea.

"Here… " He gathered a stack from the mantle. "How about you check these out over your pancakes?"

"I want waffles."

"Sounds good. Western it is." He sneakily maneuvered her attention back towards the doorway.

X

Kuriko's establishment of choice was modeled on a nineteen fifties American diner. I couldn't decide whether it was filmic or cheesy. Perhaps both. Tenoh sat across from Kuriko in the red faux-leather seating, watching his coffee cup, responding to the barrage of questions regarding his photographs.

"How fast does this car go?"

"As fast as I can make it."

"Like a rocket?"

"Sure. Handles better though."

"Mm… Mama can we get a red car like this?"

"Certainly. Save your allowance for about 50 years and you shouldn't be far off."

"_Too_ long…" The girl shuffled the picture to the back of the pile.

Thankfully the waitress arrived with our plates, stealing my inquisitive daughter's attention for a moment. She smiled at Tenoh a little too long, almost over filling his coffee cup in her distraction.

"Careful now," He purred, "You wouldn't want to get burnt…"

"Well," She blushed, "Well… I don't… I."

"Can I get another straw, please?" Kuriko broke in, suddenly remembering her manners and putting on her most sweetly innocent expression. Terrible charmer.

"Oh certainly," the waitress dropped down to a five-year-old level. "You see that nice man behind the counter?" She was met with a nod. "He'll get you a _special_ _twirly_ one."

"Thank you." Kuri-chan dropped off her seat and wandered in the direction of the instructions. The waitress, too finally left us.

"I wanted to thank you," I started.

"Honestly," He spoke smilingly as he cut through whole-wheat toast, "you can stop now."

"Well. You are certainly her Prince Charming."

"Ha. King actually."

"So I was told… I didn't even know your name…" He looked up abruptly. I couldn't say why the idea moved me. I didn't know him. "It just seems as though…?"

"What's that?" Now I knew he felt it too. Or _something…_ this indefinable thing. He seemed suddenly guarded, His body language shifted, a forced disinterest diverting his gaze. Kuri-chan did the same when she knew she was in trouble.

"I feel like I know you? Or we've met…?"

"Not to my knowledge." He shrugged.

"I suppose not." Whatever it was he wasn't going to play ball. "I guess Women's Intuition can be faulty."

"That's… what I've heard." He grinned into his coffee cup. "Don't feel bad, I'm sure I would remember… _you_."

"Mr. Tenoh." I laughed. "I _have_ heard of your notorious flirtatiousness!"

"This? I'm sure I could be worse…"

"Oh?"

"Ms. Kaioh," He leant in towards me, and, to tell the truth _he_ could have been _a model_. The elements of his sporting background manifested in a certainty of movement, a stubbornly determined look… and yet, for a man, he had the finest, most beautiful features... "You know," his voice was husky, but soft, I wasn't sure how to… "You are welcome to call me Haruka."

"Haruka…" Distant. A distant, urgent voice at the back of mind, like a memory on the verge of being lost… Déjà vu. "Haruka-san," I had to shake myself, "please feel free to call me Michiru. I understand we will be seeing more of each other as it happens."

"Huh?" He was… Was he blushing…? Even slightly?

"Perhaps you didn't yet know? I'm terribly sorry; I shouldn't be discussing it really. The sponsorship?"

"Right… Oh yeah! It's amazing!" He brightened, pulling back. Just like a child. Speaking of which-

"I got red!" Kuri clambered back to her position beside me, triumphantly holding a warped plastic tube. "You can see through too!" She held it up for Haruka-san's inspection, to which he closed one eye and assessed it in all seriousness, nodding his approval.

Barely a minute passed before the interrogation regarding his photography resumed. It was something of a relief to have the role of entertainer placed upon another adult, at times I felt guilty that Kuri remained an only child… a brother or sister to play with might make all the difference to such an inquisitive mind. Shun was so ready for another kid – it scared me somehow.

This morning was fine though. I even had a moment to act like an adult, eat a normal, adult (albeit American) breakfast – a salmon bagel? The bagel may be a New York favorite, though the salmon was certainly our famous local produce. Cracked pepper, a wedge of lemon. Definitely better than some of the torments I had faced during outings deemed adequate by my darling child.

"Who is this guy?" I tuned in, noticing the delay in Tenoh's response.

"Tenoh Ryo?" I half coughed out unthinkingly. "You're Related…" I looked up to the man before me, and saw the resemblance, unmistakably. Though Tenoh Ryo? The man was a tycoon, I might say to rival my husband… but frankly, they weren't even comparable. The Tenoh Business Empire was in a league of it's own. I couldn't think why I had never put the two names together. Haruka-san meanwhile remained silent, unmoved by my outburst.

"My father." His tone was cold.

"Mmm… Is this? Who's this girl then?" Indeed there was a girl in the picture, perhaps around nine? It was one of those forced family photos; she and her mother wore white dresses, Mr. Tenoh in a dark suit, chin jutting proudly.

"She…?" Tenoh seemed dazed for a moment. "She died." What a strange thing to say… His sister perhaps? The blonde looked troubled, finding something of interest in the linoleum floors.

"I'm so sorry. When did she…?"

"Around fifteen. Fifteen years old…" He nodded slowly. I'm not really close to my family. Anyway, Tenoh-corp onside would mean I wouldn't have to come begging to your husband for sponsorship deals!" He beamed cheekily.

"You're a mystery, Tenoh Haruka." I smiled slowly.

"Mystery… a mystery… Mister, Mister Mystery…" Kuriko sang between mouthfuls of a pink smoothie.

"Can the King come with to my swimming lesson?"

X

H

X

And there is the finest example of the importance of _not_ divulging too much information to a child. _Her royal highness_ Kuriko was _entirely_ aware that my day was free. Free to be driven slo-owly to the Abe estate. Free to fend off requests (potentially horrifying, career destroying requests) to 'borrow some of Shun's trunks, and _just try_ the water.' Free to… well, there was an upside to my inconvenience.

While Kuriko was being taken for instruction at the other end of the blatantly expensive pool, Mrs. Kaioh was indulging in her own routine of swimming laps. Married, sure. A mother, sure. No go territory – but _that_ woman, in _that_ black swim suit… I had to pretend I hadn't been watching as she emerged from the water. I closed my eyes, leant back in the expensive poolside furniture and imagined I was simply enjoying the sun. Right up until I felt the shadow across my face.

The sun created a strange halo, catching on the droplets in her hair. Her chest moved lightly as she caught her breath once again, touching a towel to her face. She bent down, unblocking the brightness of the sky once more.

"You know… The very least you could do is loosen this shirt a bit…"


	3. Chapter 3

X

M

X

What is it that compels one towards madness? Towards the uncertain terrain and paints it so appealingly? The moment of that wild intake of breath before throwing forth your arms, plunging into deep water… It was how I felt.

It was how I felt.

Around him.

And that previous afternoon, which I blame as the start of it, when I caught him off guard – I knew I shouldn't touch him. Shouldn't tease like that. Even simply tugging his collar, flirting mildly, or not so mildly. It usually was easier with other men. It so plainly meant nothing to me, nothing more than an act with them, in most situations a power play. And if I had been in that same-as-always-single-sided-hostess mind frame, it would mean nothing more. But I wasn't.

He had caught my hand, then the other, taking me quite off balance. And I fell into the chair beside him. And his eyes feigned arrogance, covered in a wet woman or not. And his proud jaw was set tight, though I could see the uncertainty in the quiver of his lips…

Then the gate screeched. Kuriko made all her usual 'Thank you, goodbye' sounds as she padded away alongside her swimming instructor. But the sound was enough to blunt the edge of my indulgent fervor, and the moment to lose myself had passed. He said he should leave, his brilliant hair ruffled, brow troubled. And I stood and agreed meekly, feeling ashamed. Who was I to allow such feelings? Who was I to follow through?

I was suddenly conscious of wearing nothing more than a swimsuit, my face washed free of make-up, my hair, surely unkempt. I folded my arms over my chest.

"I'm sorry." I uttered. "I didn't mean to offend you."

"Ah, no." He said, came to me, lifted my chin with his hand. "Please, it isn't… It isn't…"

He has the most dazzling green eyes. It doesn't excuse what happened. Doesn't begin to… but to have them looking at you, so insistently, so uncommonly defenseless… I kissed him. Not my husband. Not my friend… barely an acquaintance. And it felt so familiar, so unlike the mouth of the man I had kissed alone for the last four years, or indeed any man from any memory. Perhaps it was his youth, his energy, his _foreignness_… only he had the most exquisitely soft lips. Warm against mine, still chilled from the water. All the breath I had just caught was once more lost to me.

But he pulled back. Shaking his head, wincing as though forcing out a nightmare. He couldn't bring himself to look at me then. Said he had to go, and I hadn't the voice to disagree.

I don't remember feeling like this. _Selfish_. Utterly selfish was the way I considered my father when he left our home permanently for a short-lived affair. I could never understand what it was, within the thought processes of _my father_, an intelligent man, a caring man, how could _he_ validate such devastatingly selfish actions?

I understood now. Because, though Shun had decided upon him, though our daughter had been drawn to him, in my mind Tenoh Haruka was _my_ discovery. A rare secret to be held, to be uncovered. Mine. I had never considered myself a selfish person.

That day I cried. I left Kuriko in front of the television with her afternoon snack, closed the door to the studio, pushed away the mirrors dropped my head into my hands and sobbed hopelessly.

X

X

H

X

"Kid, here's the crew who'll buy you a beer tonight!" The collection of mechanics looked up dubiously at the newest danger to their precious machine. Me.

"Ah…tonight isn't so…"

"trust me," my agent hissed, enforcing his message by clamping down on my shoulder, "you _need_ your pit crew onside."

"Tanuki's Tavern?" I forced an optimistic note, a bland smile. The mention of the bar seemed adequate, bringing out a rumbling of affirmative noise.

The induction had gone fine, several time trials on the lap passed before it was decided the car, _my car_ could do with a bit of fine-tuning. And, though I had been not far off losing 'the Agent' altogether, he did come through in managing to wave some of the more… complex elements of the medical exam. Apparently doctor-patient confidentiality wasn't reliable as it stood.

X

"Hey, hey, hey… Tenoh, my hero!" Kenji was probably in his late thirties, one of the more experienced mechanics, and one of the fastest to get drunk. I slammed down the tray evoking a general splutter of laughter. Who was I kidding, we were all pretty plastered. Doka, Machu, and Tora were closer to my age, collectively known as the three grease monkeys. Hideo-sensei, the crew leader, had been know to refer to them as "hear no", "see no" and "speak no" respectively. The six of us were joined, at some point by our dear sponsor, Mr. Abe who made a show of purchasing the _finest_ sake for our table. By that stage I didn't care. It wasn't as though he made any mention of his wife. My cell phone went off.

"Yeah?" I pinned a finger to my ear, staggered outside where the noise was dimmed. "Hello?" I tried again.

"Haruka…" It was her. "I'm sorry – I found your number in amongst Shun's paper work…"

"Huh? Oh… Do you want to speak to him?" I half spun back, only to be stopped.

"No. I'm sorry," she said it again, "I'm afraid, I think I've had a bit much to drink…"

"Heh. Join the club!" I held myself up against a wall, gritting my teeth, trying to sound lighthearted. "How may I help?"

"I want to see you…"

"Not like this you don't" I was trying so hard not to hear what she was saying, I couldn't bare her relentlessness.

"You don't _know_ the ways I want to see you…" Her soft voice was pained.

"…Ms. Kaioh, you don't know half of what you're getting into…"

"Show me."

"…I…"

"Did…? Am I imagining all this…? Do you even want to…?

"Of course I _want_ to… it's not so simple as that."

"we can deal with your complications tomorrow. _Be_ with me tonight."

"I _can't_."

"But it's so very simple."

"I just can't be what you want." I turned off the phone completely, shoved it into my pocket, cursing into the evening sky.

"Hey Tenoh!" Machu yanked at my elbow, tearing me from my reverie. "Doka brought the Karaoke over to our table! C'mon! You're up!"

X

M

X

To be honest I was already irritable once Shun arrived home. I was guilty, exhausted, rejected and the blissfully ignorant man, both late _and_ drunk did nothing to appease me.

"Hey, now, my dearest wife!" His ruddy cheeks fixed in a boyish grin only annoyed me further. "Didn't you get my message?" He at least had the presence to seem momentarily concerned. "I called at 3:30. Team was having drinks after the track meet, see!" He pointed a wavering arm to the answering machine, which was indeed flashing the message indicator.

"I see." I spoke coldly.

"Come now," he said cheerily, popping his collar, rubbing back his hair, "you would have loved to see us, bunch of crooners, dominating the karaoke bar!"

"Would I?"

"Even Tenoh's a decent singer…"My anger melted at the name, my attention pricked. Shun moved off into the bathroom as he broke into a warbled rendition, "Don't foool your se-elf, she was heart ache from the mo-ment that you me-et her…"

"He's a good singer?" I said, mostly to myself.

"Yeah, yeah. Really mellow and on pitch – he _did_ sing a few tragic love songs though!" Shun grinned. "Nothing compared to your sweet music…"

"I have a headache." I lied

X

"Ma-ma…" Kuriko swung her legs excitedly as she rearranged her breakfast. "Do we believe in re-in-car-nation?"

"Sorry?" I smiled despite my recent mood. "That's rather philosophical for a Saturday morning…have you been watching cable TV again?"

"Nah, Mari's Mom is s bud-_dist_ she said reincarnation is like you are born again and again and again…"

"And what do you think?"

"Mmm… Sounds right." She finally took a mouthful. Shun looked amused.

"So what were you in your past life?" He asked gently.

"Heh?" Kuri scrunched her nose as though he had missed the point entirely. "I'm _new_." She said. "This is my first time."

"Oh, forgive me." I had to laugh with my husband. "And me?"

"Can't you even remember?" She remained exasperated. "Hm… probably an escalator. Up, up, up!" She gestured commandingly with her spoon. Shun looked baffled. I had to swallow my tea without laughing out loud.

"Don't you remember, Darling?" I teased, grinning at his bewilderment. He was a sweet man.

"And your Mama?" He raised an eyebrow, anticipating revenge. Our daughter shrugged, as though it were obvious.

"A Princess." Shun smiled. I felt somehow dismayed, if only I could be the purely amiable vision of her imagination. "Or a dolphin."

"Guess you can ask all those questions when we get to Mari's house, _Damn_."

"What? Can't you take her?"

"No, no it's not that. Just double booked for afterwards…"

"Can you re-schedule?"

"Not really – Kuri-chan? Your plate to the kitchen? – It's not a major, I just wanted to see the time trials today."

"Oh? When's that?"

"Mid day. Clashes with my appointment in town."

"Perhaps… I'll go?" I tried, hoping not to sound too interested.

"Really? I thought you hated that kind of thing?"

"Well, Darling." I collected the remaining dishes and kissed his cheek. "It seems as though I'll need to make an effort."

"A wife, who'd watch motor sports…" Shun slapped his thigh. "I'm living the dream."

"I got my stu-uff!" Our daughter appeared, half engulfed by an over-large backpack.

"Not afraid of a sleep over?" Shun carefully relieved her of her cargo.

"_Papa_, I've done this like a _million_ times." I received a quick leg embrace before she rushed out to the car.

"You know she gets the attitude from you." Shun teased.

"A woman's prerogative." I twisted on a stream of steaming water into the kitchen sink.

X

H

X

"Ready, kid?"

"Yep." I gave a thumbs up, flicking down my visor.

"Go!"

The engine keened. It was all I wanted. Each shift in gear, adapting to every bend manipulated the engine's song. That was how I considered it anyway. This was going well, the transition through corners timed fantastically. _This_ would be a good one, even if the hung-over pit-crew weren't quite up to par and the steering seemed a bit shaky, I felt confident to go on. Racers tend to have something of a suicidal streak. To be honest I didn't feel like stopping for it to be corrected, nor hanging around for the time it would take while they stumbled through their work routine.

The season wasn't far from beginning. I could imagine the seats filled. Sailing down the straight I took in the painted boards of sponsors. _Fuji film, Marlborough_, and blurred smaller local business signage, _"Kentaro's clothing for men."_ I approached the bend. _"Fresh is Best – at Neptune's…"_

That was when it happened. Like a sudden fog, a dark haze over my vision. I remember I could feel the wheel judder violently and pushed down on the breaks. Then I must have lost consciousness completely.

_Haruka, Haruka_… _I won't let you_… Kaioh Michiru flashed through my thoughts. _I, I want to touch…_She seemed younger… A whirlwind of imagery, I couldn't hold on to. _I'm sorry _A foreign voice…. _You weren't meant to remember this time around… Haruka, Haruka…_

X

M

X

I burst into the examiner's room ignoring the protests of, "Please, it's merely a concussion, _Ma'am_ you can't go _in_ there!"

Tenoh Haruka.

It's what the chart said. I looked again. Green eyes opened dopily.

"You are…" I looked down to his, _her, _chest where evidently the fire suit had been opened, and bandages cut free. She followed my line of sight, sighing vaguely. Resigned. "…You're okay!" I looked across her face trying to decipher some explanation.

"Am I?" It was half coughed. The same voice, the same person. She shook her head, then winced. There was a line of stitches at her temple.

"Careful." Unthinkingly I went to her side, brushed the hair from her eyes. "You don't know…" I swallowed. "You don't _know_ how you just scared me…" I touched her cheek. Such a beautiful face…

"Hey…" Her voice was groggy as she pulled closed the red jacket. "It isn't generally my practice to flash people…"

"I don't mean that…" I swept my thumb over her lips.

"What… are you doing…?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," I retracted self-consciously, "are you… in pain?".

"That depends on how much you're about to tell your husband." She pushed herself into a sitting position.

"Why would I tell him about us?"

"_Us_? There can't possibly be an "us." I mean, are you blind? Are you mad? Are you… just some… horny bisexual?"

"_Excuse_ me?"

"Oh."

"_Oh_?"

"It's the latter then."

"Ms. Tenoh, I am a _lady_. I am not a horn-," She looked amused. "I would certainly never describe myself in such terms.

"Me neither… Up 'til now."

"You think this is a joke."

"Joke? No, no… but Michiru." The _way_ she voiced my name…

"What's that?"

"If _your_ husband… finds out I'm… What I am…"

"Not too hot around corners?"

"_No_-"

"A _scandalous homosexual_?" I feigned a dramatic tone.

"Mich-"

"Living confirmation of every blonde joke?"

"Are you done?"

"You don't want Shun to know his prized racer is a woman."

"I can't drive without the sponsorship."

"Somehow that doesn't seem like a bad outcome…"

"You're killing me here. What do you need from me?"

"Your body."

"You can't be serious. Blackmail?" I couldn't believe her gullibility, it was simply adorable.

"Of course not, I am a lady." I laughed. "_Please relax_. I would never tell."


	4. Chapter 4

X

H

X

"I _knew_ it was a girl!" Machu guffawed. The three grease monkeys were in attendance while Hideo and Kenji took their lunch.

"What? I never said there was a girl."

"Didn't have to the Doc said some woman ran in on you as soon as you were awake!"

"So you take _that_ to be the root of the little fix-up job we're now facing?"

"Nah, look I _said_ I was sorry, really man, I don't now you handled that steering given the…" He trailed off guiltily. "It was shoddy workmanship, should never have gotten onto the track "

"Yeah well…" Three days and I still couldn't figure out what had happened to me, never mind applied physics… "I should've quit earlier. Damn, if I knew how long it'd take to _repair_…"

"Oy, no one's asking you to stick around."

"Hah. Who else's gonna pass you the superglue?"

"Superglue… would be a fine thing." Machu looked sorrowfully at the car.

"Anyway," Doka slid out from beneath the belly of the machine. "What's this girl like?"

"She's… Trouble."

"Oooh… sounds fun!"

"Don't kid yourself." I sighed. "It's _really_ not going to happen…"

"_Really_?"

"Really." I folded my arms.

"She too short?" Machu tried.

"No."

"Too dull?"

"Nope."

"Too ugly?"

"_Definitely_ not."

"Oooh… That does make it difficult."

"Just… too… complicated."

"Right…You or her?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well – did she come on to you?"

"…Yeah."

"So _you're_ the one backing off?"

"From an attractive, interesting… complicated woman? Tora chipped in.

"Yes. I'm doing my best to avoid her entirely." I rubbed my face irritably. "You think I'm hanging out her for the enlightened conversation?"

"Tenoh, you don't even have a drop of my sympathy."

"Hey, _I'm_ the good guy here."

"Correction: you're the _only guy_ – act like a man! Or else give me her number."

"And the _manly_ thing to do in your eyes…?"

"Is she after something long-term?"

"I… seriously can't imagine she is…"

"Figure it out Casanova!

"So simple huh?"

"Yeah, man – easiest way to get it out of your system. Then you'll get bored of her. She'll get bored of you… Every one's a winner baby!"

"And we won't have to pick up the tab when you get distracted…"

"Yeah, yeah… I'm out of here. Just try and keep me alive on the track."

"Go forth and multiply!" Doka yelled.

"Stand _up_ to the challenge." Tora nodded soberly.

"And we want details the next time we see you…!"

"You people have an unnatural fascination with my sex-life…" I growled.

"Oooh… unnatural…"

"Hey, I _heard_ he was supposed to be _legendary_."

"Leaving now!" I threw up my hands in surrender.

X

M

X

The hours of the days I spent continuing in my same life clunked along the same track. And I, unfocused and uninspired continued like a passenger, occasionally jostled by small bumps I would usually anticipate. I was late to fetch Kuriko. Almost forgot a meeting with a future collaborator. Nonchalantly practiced a series of pieces with diminishing success. And those minutes of those hours of those days, continued to drop away, only dimmer, duller than before. Before a woman.

It sounds as though it should be thrilling, exotic, all those romantic teenage notions. But we weren't teenagers. My desire came with an equal measure of guilt, neither emotion diminishing the other, only swirling together sickeningly. What was I thinking? _I was thinking of her. _What on earth was I doing? _I knew what I wanted to do_. What was I prepared to risk? _What was I prepared to risk?_

Waiting for Shun's return, my daughter safely asleep, I sat at the family dinner table. Watching the meal I had so carefully prepared, but couldn't bare to touch, grow slowly colder. He wasn't particularly late. I simply waited because I felt I should. My Dear husband. My Dear, perfectly ignorant husband, I always wanted to wait for him. And yet, sitting alone in our lavish home, the evening news murmuring in the background, one third of the perfect puzzle I had always thought I wanted… I burnt.

Inside my hollow ribcage I could picture a thick filament that had grown, slowly, silently smoldering all for _her_… And while I felt it so keenly, the surrounding disappointingly humdrum world remained oblivious. This was no way to be. I had to uphold this marriage, this was just one of those tests – one of those trials married couples spoke of. I was hardly one to fail a simple_ test_. Irrationally I felt tears stinging my eyes once more.

The sound of the keys in the door shook me suddenly. I swallowed down my destructive thoughts, and blinked quickly hoping my make-up was still intact.

"Good evening, My Dear," Shun kissed me lightly on the cheek. He must not have tasted the salt. "Oh, I see I haven't missed dinner!"

"It…" my voice was almost breaking. "…may need some heating up."

"Hmm, " he tested a mouthful, before taking his plate to the microwave. "Think you're right." The timer pad bleeped loudly with each punched digit.

"How's my beautiful daughter been today?"

"Fine…" I shook my head slightly. "Happy… she had another lesson. Swimming lesson… She's progressing well, I think…"

"Excellent!" He swooped his chopsticks from plate to mouth eagerly. Watching me for a quiet moment as he chewed. "Are you… alright?"

"Me? Oh, yes. Just a little tired I suppose…"

"Women's problems, eh?"

"I suppose…"

"Well," He had already dropped the idea as significant, "Even _you_, in all your feminine grace might have found the race today pretty exciting!"

"You never told me it had started." I suddenly found my voice. He looked up confused at my accusing tone.

"Just preliminaries – more for the media to build some hype before the season begins properly… still pretty awesome stuff…"

"Oh?"

"Uh huh… PBT taking the win in a convincing blaze of glory – very nearly clocked a new lap record…!"

"I'm sorry, P B T? Is that some element of the construction material?" I lost Shun for a moment to laugh at a private joke.

"Could say that. A nickname coined by one of the louder press members – I think it's going to stick." I shook my head, still somehow missing the point. "P.B.T." He repeated, "Pretty. Boy. Tenoh. We had to tease him about that one!"

"Sh… He won?"

"Mm… already ruffling some of the competitor's feathers. I told you, Darling; I know how to pick my winners. You can bet this time next month everyone wants a piece of him."

"I see… How… was he?"

"Ah, you know – head's fine – already slipped several numbers from the team car girls! Certainly lives up his reputation."

"Har- a charmer." I said more to myself than my husband. _Her eyes, her eyes, intelligent and challenging and insistent burnt into my thoughts… _Shun was once more fixated on his plate.

"Shun, tonight," I blurted out, half surprising myself, "tonight we should…" I looked at him uncertain and expectant, willing him to understand.

"We…? O_h_," he smiled, almost laughing, "My dear, wife, it's quite unlike you to be so demanding…"

"Don't tease me."

"No, no," he paused on his way to take his dishes to the kitchen, kissed my lips briefly, greasily, "Let's make love, not war." I nodded, forcing a smile, my stomach churned at the scent of the food I couldn't bring myself to eat.

And we made love. Or… it seemed a strange turn of phrase, requiring more… More than I had given. Or could give. My husband slept on his side, a half smile on his lips. I lay on my back; cold, covered in the high-thread-count sheets we had received as a wedding gift. I watched the evening light flitter coolly over the ornate plaster fittings on the ceiling and let my thoughts drift across the universe...

X

H

X

"Wakey, wakey… Speedster!"

"Hello?" My voice tended to be an octave lower in the mornings.

"Heh, so you _did_ decide on sleeping in?" I looked over to my left. Couldn't remember her name. I gathered sheets into a makeshift robe and moved out of the bedroom with the cordless phone.

"How do _know_ this stuff?"

"Just a suspicion. I just spoke to Hideo earlier, he said you were getting familiar with the bar girl before they retired last night…"

"…Didn't happen to mention her name did he?"

"Ha! Didn't know women could be so callous!"

"Give me a break would you."

"Sure, anyway, from the sounds she's not the clingy type…"

"You take your job too seriously."

"Just doing my homework."

"Uh huh. So this was just my friendly stalker reminder?"

"Nope. You've got another engagement this evening!"

"Oh, _joy_."

"Gives you a reason to leave the chick… Anyway, your faithful crew is all heading along. Can't say I don't arrange playmates for you."

"_Man_, you can't throw them into this – they'll hate that kind of scene." I rubbed my eyes.

"Oh yeah? Mentioned free drinks and they didn't seem too fussy."

"What? You've _already_ spoken to them?"

"It's two in the afternoon." He said flatly.

"What?"

"I arranged a cab to pick you up around eight."

"Right… thanks."

"Go and take a shower."

"Good_bye_."

As is happen the shower had already been turned on. The bed was empty.

"Coming in or what?"

"Huh?"

"_Tenoh_, what's a girl have to do to get a goodbye fu-"

"On my way."

X

X

X

Another evening. Another meet-and-greet, to connect the ties between-worker-sponsor and spawns-of-the-corporate-entity… Was I really supposed to take this all seriously? Hideo-sensei sidled up to me discreetly.

"You know what they say about an ingénue…?" His breath was tainted with the scent of whiskey.

"What's that?"

"You get only a few. A few heroes, a few geniuses, a small quota of true artists…" He took another gulp. "The rest of us are little more than links, holding the grand scheme together."

"Huh? You don't consider that slightly extreme?"

"Not at all."

"I'm sorry, but I've never considered myself a human puzzle piece." I shrugged. "Too vain."

"But _you're_ not." He nodded soberly. "You're the ticket. You're the hero… we're all waiting to see what _you'll_ do, what you'll say next…"

"I'm no hero." I sighed. "I never got into driving to uphold anyone's hopes or expectancies… I did this for _me_, there's nothing heroic about that."

"What does that matter? What you do ultimately influences more people than you will know… it's beyond your control."

"Seems unfair."

"Life's not fair." He raised his glass. "Just live up to your responsibilities."

"Just like that huh?"

"Didn't your father teach you anything?"

"Nothing I needed to hear."

"I'll tell you this for free, young man; stop running."

"I'm in the business of moving quickly."

"Just… think about it."

I moved off.

Kaioh Michiru stood away from the masses of every other inhabitant of the function center. I say that, and yet, I wonder whether I would have seen her in the same light regardless. Stunning in a cerulean dress reaching to the marble floor, she appeared fixed. A bored, perfect figurine set in an undesirable wedding cake, her gaze seemed to grace any sight that wasn't related to her immediate surroundings. I reached her through the slowly separating, reconverging crowd.

"Need to be rescued?"

"Took you long enough." She spoke softly, never reaching my eyes.

"Didn't know I was under contract." I tried to forget my guilt. _Wife. Mother_. _Off limits… _

"Take me away from here."

She didn't need to say anything further. Her eyes closed as I leant forth to remain unheard.

"Follow me after two minutes." I uttered, doing my best to appear to be engaging in the superficial conversation of everyone around me.

X

M

X

The time moved slowly. I factored in one-quarter minute to explain to Shun… I had seen an old school friend; I was going to visit her away from the old boys of the racing world. He smiled, feigning interest a moment before returning to his conversation. No problem. As far as he knew.

I was a terrible person. Nothing more than a barefaced liar to the man I had promised nothing but the best of myself. Yet exhilaration, pure and all encompassing over powered my actions.

I found her waiting in front of the function center in the back seat of a cab.

"Ready then, Sir?" The driver was polite. Haruka looked over to me for some kind of cue.

"Your place?" I half whispered. She nodded, still not quite appearing certain enough, leant forth, spoke the directions. Just so simple.

X

"Do you need the grand tour?" She spoke quietly from the closed front door. No turning back, was there? It was too much, neither of us were teenagers. I went to her, running my hands along the side of her torso, belt to ribs to cruelly bandaged sides.

"Stop asking me… what I want…" I held her face in both hands, adrenaline pulsing me towards irrationality. "You _know_ what I need."


	5. Chapter 5

M

X

From the tip of my index finger I traced, aiming to memorize the design of her… Brow, cheekbones, jaw line… Her mouth met mine. Though I thought I was prepared, her hands at my back kept me from slipping to the floor. Intoxicating. Overwhelming… this… this _finally_ reaching. I breathed through her, couldn't help it, and all that color I had missed for the past days throbbed back into focus.

And she

and I

and she and I….

Buttons undone, I pulled her shirt across, over her shoulders, down to her wrists, holding there for a moment, amazed to see her yield. A growl of frustration and it was whipped to the floor in a heap of cotton. Her hands on my hips spun me, and I closed my eyes to feel the warmth of her mouth on my bare neck, the chill of the evening as my dress was unclasped at the back, removed so carefully, falling around me in a silken pool.

And I had to… I held her back a moment, if only to reaffirm. Her, breathing heavily, in no more than dress pants and unraveling bandages, and I in lingerie I thought might have only been seen by…

"You're _so_ beautiful…" I whispered.

"What does that matter?" She murmured. Guiding me to the couch. I fell back, seeing nothing but her, nothing but her… I lost my breath suddenly as her hand ran up along my side to my breast…

"…I…thought you should know…" I managed. She smirked. Kissed down from my collarbone, a dipping straight line… and in simple anticipation I shuddered.

Vibrato is the way a violin is played to perfection; the instrument teased so carefully, so precisely to emote the flawless tone. An art form. I could remember first achieving that accuracy. And yes, I was a woman, flesh and bone, heart, mind and soul…a complex, conflicted being… But I just wondered if she truly knew the way she _played_ me so sweetly, so painfully accurately…

Stealing each breath as it came, her body curved, flexed, always accommodating mine so convincingly, drowned and rescued a hundred times over…I had to silence my mouth against her neck when that devastating ecstasy overcame me.

"_Ha-_ruka…" Somehow she seemed to flinch at the word.

"Shh…"

"_Oh_…" My head dropped back.

"Mmm…?" She was merciless.

"Just…" I grasped her wrist. "Just… stay here a moment…" I opened my eyes, found hers, couldn't speak, couldn't breathe easily… All those things those eyes had seen all those days, I wondered whether I could catch a glimpse. But there _I_ was – captured in her gaze, and that was enough for now. I kept watching her as I slowly released my hold. As she slowly began to move into me again…

X

X

X

X

Dawn, and I awoke – an unfamiliar room, strewn diagonally over an unfamiliar bed. It was the sweet scent of her on the sheets that reminded me. I looked over slowly, half imagining the scene to vanish if I were to frighten it with haste.

"Awake?" Her voice was soft, hair tousled, body exhausted.

"Mmm." I curled around her.

"When do you have to go?"

"Oh, probably before I ever arrived…"

"No kidding." She stretched back, arms behind her head. I fought the urge to tug away the sheet… and failed. In my defense, it was ordinarily rare to see further than those oversized suits she wore. "_Oi_. You know I'm feeling _terribly_ objectified." She clearly didn't give a damn – not moving an inch.

"But… "I slid up her body to force some kind of eye contact. "I want to do… what you do to me…"

"Ha…" I was _not_ taken seriously. "Any specific part? Or do you need a set of instructions?" So cocky.

"I have no need for your complete _arrogance_."

"Ah… Michiru," She stroked back my fringe. I still couldn't get used to the sound of my name in her voice, even if it sounded so resigned. "You need to go back to your husband, he'll want to know where you've been…" It was jarring to say the least.

"When do I see you again?"

"What… are you trying to get into?"

"I can't take you seriously when you're naked."

"You're saying I have to get dressed?"

"I'm saying it's late enough…" I dropped the sheets from around me. "Another few hours… is hardly going to make any difference…"

X

X

H

Mistake. She left at 10:15am. Well, that was the first attempt, insisting upon "a kiss good-bye" delayed her exit to 11:45. I think I simply lay on the living room floor for an hour. Definitely a mistake. I made it to the shower, hoped the water would flush out… this residue. This unshakable image of her I couldn't help but roll over in my mind. Too tired or too stupid. It was just that… now that she was gone, I missed the sound of her voice. And the way she reacted when… _it wasn't worth analyzing_.

X

"Hey, hey, hey… PBT!"

"What's new?" I fastened the fire suit at the neck.

"Hmm… I think we've done some nice work, she purring like a … _hey!"_

"Hey, what?"

"Tora, check this guy out…"

"Eh?" The mechanic in question arrived, looked up, and dropped the greasy rag he had been cleaning with. "Oh ho ho! Oi, Machu, look at our fearless leader!"

"_What_? Something on my face?" I rubbed my cheek.

"Damn right! A grin! Ear-to-ear… you totally _did_ her!" Machu's eyes threatened to pop out of his skull.

"_What_?"

"Well, don't be coy! The least we deserve is some kind of information."

"You people have _issues_."

"Geez, we don't ask a lot. Just some kind of report?"

"Dramatic reenactment?" Machu provided.

"Or interpretive dance?" Tora put in.

"Y'know I increasingly disbelieve you guys are even _into_ women."

"Oh, so theatre isn't manly enough for you?"

"Huh?" I closed my eyes, in fact still tired. "Look you're theories are total crap."

"So we're completely wrong here?"

"Imagining everything?"

"Willing into existence abstract notions?"

"Right."

"Even though it's plainly _obvious_."

"Written all over your face."

"…And your neck"

"My…? _Damn_." I had forgotten about that. I pulled my collar closer.

"You know, Tenoh… all this lack of inspiration is really slowing down my work ethic…" Doka raised an eyebrow.

"Sorry?"

"Well, I'm just saying… how soon do you want your car?"

"Oh you'd _better_ have my car ready…"

"Or else what?" I jumped at the voice.

Kaioh Michiru appeared behind me.

"Ms. Kaioh." Machu's cap was removed. The remaining monkeys stood to attention. _I_ was never afforded any such respect!

"Ms. Kaioh, we didn't expect you here… How is your husband?" They watched as she circled the workroom, pausing to flick idly through one of the less tasteful calendars on display.

"He's well, thank you." Her eyes caught mine for a moment. "Completely wrapped up in his work. And how is the crew doing?" She smiled graciously. It was something I admired about her; I had seen it with Kuriko… that no one was irrelevant to her. Regardless of age, of position, of pure gormlessness as the case may be. Not quite what I expected of a 'society lady.' Well… my expectations of her had been long surpassed…

"My …girlfriend… _loves_… your latest album." Machu gushed.

"Concerto at Midnight?" She asked lightly.

"Uhm… the one with the cover… uh, it's blue… like silver writing…?"

"That's the one. I'm glad she likes it."

"Yeah…" Machu did _not_ have a girlfriend. "It's really… beautiful and… and sad…" Doka shot an irritated look at his dopey colleague.

"So, to what do we owe the pleasure?" He asked. Michiru had finished her circuit of the garage and came up to my side.

"I had… a craving." She smiled sweetly. I coughed into my fist.

"What for?"

"Ice-cream… they do amazing gelato over the road, do you know the place?" She looked to me.

"I… think so…?" Honestly had no idea.

"But I'm afraid I've forgotten my purse." She shrugged.

"Is _that_ right?" I said flatly.

"Christ Tenoh! Start acting like a gentleman!" Tora interjected.

"Of course…" I looked incredulously between her and my supposed supporting co-workers. "May I … _escort_ you to the ice-cream stand?"

"Well you don't have to be sarcastic about it!" Machu cut in.

"That would be lovely." She took my arm. It stirred something inside me.

X

We were out of earshot beneath the stalls.

"Getting bored in the big expensive house?"

"Oh, I don't have to work today," She brought up her other hand to hold my arm, "I couldn't concentrate really…"

"Due to your lack of frozen desert?"

"Ah, I couldn't help it once I had the idea in my head… with you being so sensitive… in places… the idea of licking ice-cream off your…"

"_Whoa…_"I pulled her aside, checking to see if the area was indeed vacant. "Michiru, you _can't_ be obvious about this…" Pleading with her didn't seem to change her point of view, and her gaze was distracting…

"Don't you want to see me?"

"You know I do."

"Don't you want to kiss me?"

"That isn't fair."

"And don't you think we should -?"

"How many affairs have you had?"

"Excuse me?" She had a phenomenal ability to change from blatant to modest.

"Look, I'll buy you ice-cream but –"

"You _know_ that's not what I came here for." What could I do? I sighed, wordless. "I've never had an affair." She said more quietly. "I'm not heartless, I feel absolutely ill to think how he might…" She looked back up at me. "But to be without… _you_…"

"Okay, rules about having an affair-" I cut in.

"Excuse me?"

"Number one: _no_ emotional connection."

"But-"

"Number two: no turning up at my work place. Number three… no… permanence."

"Permanence?"

"It's a temporary arrangement. Clean get out, no train wreck."

"Oh? And do you have a calendar date in mind?" she lifted her shoulder.

"I…" Didn't want to imagine it. "You know what I mean."

"Anything else?"

"Yes – you have to continue as usual… in your normal life. Anything else and it'll all fall to pieces."

Suddenly her quick responses had disappeared.

"Well, perhaps we can agree on that." She looked away; I could have sworn her voice broke.

"Hey, c'mon," I said softly, "what on earth else can you do? Run off and try out the balance of solo-parenting and international music career?"

"Ha. If only it were so simple," she blinked a moment, "Kuri-chan isn't mine to take."

"_What_ do you mean…?"

"Biologically… Shun's first wife died giving birth, he looked after Kuriko entirely on his own until she was a year old… when we became involved… Well, I think I fell in love with both of them."

"Oh." Gods! I was bloody insensitive sometimes.

"Yes, so you can trust me when I say I know what I'm playing with… for all your vast experience in the matter. All your rules and – does this mean you continue seeing any other women?"

"Of course." I shrugged, completely unable to believe it, half-hoping it would be enough to make her pull back. "And don't dismiss my body of knowledge. You're _not_ the first married woman I've been involved with."

"Well, _Ms_. Tenoh, you're not the first _woman_ I've been involved with." She tossed her hair over her shoulder and walked on ahead.

"Eh? Hang on a – What?" I jogged to catch up. "Oi, c'mon you'd better elaborate…!"

"Oh? Discussing past secrets? Does that not contravene your 'no emotional connection' policy?"

"Geez… What do you want from me?"

"Come away with me." She stopped, turned in her tracks. "This weekend, I'm going away to my beach house… supposedly to get through some composing."

"You aren't usually denied are you?"

"Am I?"

"I'll be there." I shook my head. How she could manipulate a situation so quickly was beyond me.

"So we can get ice-cream?"

"Yes."

"And we can take it back to my big, expensive, _empty_ house?"

"Yes."

"And then I can…"

"No."

"Huh?"

"There are some places that should _not_ experience sub zero temperatures!"

"Now, now… you might like it…?"

"_No_."

"We'll see."


	6. Chapter 6

X

M

X

"Well who could this be?"

"Grandma!" Kuriko announced on my mother's doorstep, wrapping her arms around the immaculate pants suit.

"Michiru." She smiled in her characteristically measured way.

"Mother."

"You know I don't see you nearly enough." She opened the door gesturing for our entry.

"Mama helped me with the baking!" Kuri-chan tugged my skirt as a signal to display her handiwork.

"My, cupcakes?" My mother seemed to check more than enthuse.

"Mm hmm. Strawberry."

"Well that's lovely. They'll go perfectly with our tea."

"The rose tea?"

"Exactly right. Why don't you take them over to the table, I have something from your grandfather to show you."

"_Cool_." She received the tray gingerly wandering through to the garden.

"Oh, she seems to develop rather mature tastes." I shook my head. Rose tea indeed.

"So I've heard. Shun was filling me in on her recently acquired predilection for older men."

"Is that right?" I wasn't quite following. I helped Kuriko up to her chair.

"Mr. Tenoh?" My mother finished.

"The King!" Kuri beamed.

"Yes…" I had to take a moment. "Your new friend, huh?"

"No grandchild of mine is going to chase after a race car driver…" A mock serious tone.

"_My_ new friend? More like _your_ new friend!" My _darling_ five-tear old accused.

"Cupcake?" I interjected.

"Thank-you…" Pink icing managed to create an adequate distraction.

"So, Dear, what have you been up to these past few days? You've been near impossible to get hold of!"

"Oh? More of the same…" I looked to the surrounding gardens. "Recording, concert planning… Have you had the landscaper in?"

"Landscaper?" She looked somehow unconvinced. "Yes actually, I visited the Shinjuku imperial gardens, fell quite in love with the French aesthetic."

"It looks lovely." I tried to be genuine, though my thoughts drifted… Kuri-chan had begun a report on her exact movements over the last week. My mother looked on politely.

That last time.

Stealing her from the racetrack. Like a coveted prize. A golden trophy… not mine at all. Of course I already felt the cracks forming in her ideal plan. No emotional connection, no ties. It should have been a blow I suppose, but honestly I didn't quite believe she was so cold… and I was too otherwise distracted. Who would have thought of a racing suit as so sexy? It's strange. But to see already the logos of companies emblazoned across her back. Her shoulders. Her heart. Every one vying for a piece of attention – I could understand. That afternoon as I ran my hands over her body. Her back. Her shoulders. Her heart…

"Now, wouldn't you like to see what your Grandfather sent to me?"

"Hmm… Okay. Is it like some… shoes?"

"Shoes?"

"'Cos you have loads of shoes!"

"_My_, no, he sent this specially for _you_." I watched to see a neatly folded letter presented.

"Hey…" Kuriko ran her finger across the script. "I don't know _these_ Kanji… but this one's like my name!"

"You're quite right! Well, aren't you clever?"

"What is it?"

"A poem. Shall… I read it?"

"Yes please!" Kuri-chan watched the foreign handwriting intently. My mother seemed to steal herself, affecting the tone of a storyteller.

"Well, he wrote this," she hesitated once more then proceeded slowly.

"_Chestnut, _

_Chestnut,_

_From wizened bower _

_Yet uncut,_

_Small promise _

_on my bleakest days,_

_You stopped my tracks,_

_You stole my gaze._

_Chestnut, _

_Chestnut,_

_Seasons change _

_as you shall, but_

_Forget you ever, _

_I could not-_

_Dear, you make_

…_my chest knot."_

"Huh?" Kuri looked up to me. "A poem for me?"

"Aren't you lucky?" I responded.

"But it's a sad poem…" Her vision clouded over. Somehow… somehow it reminded me so of… "I made a knot in his chest? That's bad… that… _hurts_." She looked to my mother.

"Oh, it's not so bad."

"Huh?"

"That hurt… It's to remind you."

"Of what?" I felt choked to hear her words.

"Of what you hold in your chest." My mother smiled. I could never remember her being so open with me as a child.

"Right… _grown up_ stuff…" She rolled her eyes to the best of her ability.

"Perhaps." She returned. "Though I hear you have a particular _grown-up_ gentleman who's taken your fancy…?"

"_Nah_! Mama likes him _more_!"

"Is that right, young lady?" I raised an eyebrow. She ignored the warning.

"Yeah." She was pointedly oblivious, turning to my mother. "When I finished my swimming, they were going to kiss!" My mother froze.

My heart stopped.

My worlds collided.

I felt sick.

Couldn't speak.

"Well, Dear," My mother voiced, "I'm sure it was only _almost_… Have you been to see the new birdcage? It's just around that fence…?"

"Cool!" And my last line of defense was gone, skipping away to look at budgies…

It seemed like an age that my mother was silent, all the sympathy and stretched rules forgotten. She sipped her tea.

"It was nothing really…" I began.

"Darling, you're blushing." She said flatly. I shrugged, suddenly obstinate in the face of her judgment.

"I _said_ it was nothing."

"I see." She measured her words. "And usually I believe that… it has always appeared to be _'nothing' _as you say, with more than a few young men…"

"_Mother_…"

"To be honest, for quite a while when you were growing up I became concerned that there wasn't a young _man…_"She allowed the word to hang in the air as she looked over me. I felt naked. All my silent desires laid bare. "… that could win you over, And then when you met Shun, and you seemed so happy…"

"I… _was_…" I looked down.

"You wouldn't do anything _foolish_, would you Michiru?"

"Mother," I felt brazen after her attack, "have you ever known me to?"

"Well there _was_ that strange incident with that university room-mate of yours?"

"Is _that_ all this boils down to?"

"I was concerned!"

"What? Would that really mean the end of your world?" I gritted my teeth.

"It would mean… I wouldn't have the grand daughter I have today…"

"I…" I had to blink back tears. "I have done nothing regrettable."

X

X

H

X

We took her car – a _fantastic_ model if I do say so. It was even possible for me to take over at the wheel after ten minutes into our journey. We left early enough in the morning, skipping the morning commuters. So covert. It reminded me of running away.

I guess we were.

And with that weight. And the oppression of sleepless nights, guilt-ridden planning, our trip was mostly wordless. It should have made things easier. That's how I tried to resolve it in my mind. Less talking and I wouldn't know her well enough to…

To what…?

Half of this weight I carried was with the knowledge that it was too late.

I knew her too well to forget.

I was falling in love.

X

The cabin wasn't so extravagant as I had expected, though it managed to be phenomenally secluded from the world around. The sea spray threw the scent of fresh salt into the air. A cool wind whipped freely, returning from foreign shores, urgently whispering it's untranslatable secrets… I stood out by the water while she tidied her luggage into drawers and onto hangers. We could have been at the edge of the universe I thought.

There was no one. _No one_. Who would ever care? The salt stung my eye and I swallowed. Had I not even progressed from wanting to out-run everything? I had been _so_ certain that I had found some kind of corner of the world that I might fit! When the racing season had begun. When I had managed to negotiate on my own terms… it truly seemed like happiness.

After _so_ long. Just trying to keep my head above water. Could that be so quickly destroyed? Because I couldn't feel happy without…

"Do you… want to be here?" Her voice was small, so uncommonly uncertain.

"I… Of _course_." All the things I couldn't say swam through my mind and I could only look on. A perfect statue. Marble and wordless and useless…

"_Please_…" She dropped the shawl from her neck. "Show me."

"I never told you," I held myself back a moment, "_You_ are beautiful." She smiled.

"You wouldn't be throwing me a line would you?"

"No…" I felt lead in my chest. "How would that benefit me at this stage?"

The sand was warm where we lay. The groan of the tide, the sighing of the wind drowned us out, washed away thoughts of the world. Forgive me all my sins.

X

We walked along the rocks edging the cliff. I had to help her periodically to step up on the irregular terrain. Her hand, small and white seemed so naturally to grab for my arm as she felt her balance waver. It made my chest fill. Ridiculous really.

"I bought you something." She said.

"I'm smart enough to know accepting gifts from rich women is rarely a good idea."

"It's a swimsuit."

"Huh? For me?"

"Oh, perhaps a bit for me… You didn't bring one did you?"

"Ah, no. I don't _own_ one."

"I thought that might be the case. But here we are – at the edge of the world. Who's there to see you?"

"Dunno… whoever the hell decides to walk along the beach…?"

"There's no one."

"Well, not now, but…"

"It's private property."

"You _own_ the _beach_?"

"Oh, not the whole beach. Just this stretch for a few kilometers." She raised an eyebrow. "A wedding present from my father."

"Christ. Perks of heterosexuality, huh?"

"Don't laugh… and don't make out like _you_ don't come from a wealthy family!"

"Huh. Yeah, well. My situation differs from yours slightly."

"To the extent that you'd lie to us? Say that a photograph of _you_ was a sister? Who was dead?"

"Well… it's true."

"_Really_?"

"In a way. _That_ person in _that_ picture did die. She's not someone I can or will become again."

"You… really believe that don't you?"

"Would I lie to you?"

"Absolutely. So it was fantastic good fortune that I should know your measurements when purchasing a swim suit!"

"Oi! How could _you_ have access to such information?"

"Haruka, I've seen you from more angles than _you_ possibly could." She truly floored me sometimes. "I think I could make an accurate assessment."

"I… see… And how did you explain that to the sales assistant?"

"Oh, yes she did ask actually, whether it was for me…"

"So?"

"So I said no. I said it was for my lover."

"_What?"_

"Well, who would she ever tell? I'm no one to her."

"You're… unbelievable."

"Oh, thank you."

"It was _not_ meant as a compliment."

"Come on, where's your sense of humor when I need it?"

"Michiru, for someone with a lot to lose… You walk a damn thin line!"

"It so happens I have the grace to do so." She sighed frustratedly. "I don't know… it's just that I… Sometimes I just wish I could tell someone. Sometimes… I… I want to be able to talk about you…"

"There's hardly much to report."

"Are you kidding?"

"We don't know each other so well."

"You mean in platonic terms?"

"I guess."

"Then why did you seem so familiar when I met you at that function?"

"I… wish I had something to tell you…"

"Then I didn't imagine it? You felt it too?"

"What does it matter?"

"It…!" She looked down. "It just does… to me. I need to know that you can _understand_…" I felt weak.

"Michiru, honestly, what difference would that make? You can't afford to need things from me. _Not_ like that." She looked so forlorn. "But yes. You seemed like someone I knew. It felt as though the whole night had played out before it happened…"

"And this… _us_?"

"Yes."

"It seemed… inevitable…" She smiled to herself. "Such a terrible thing."

"C'mon. Not today. There doesn't need to be any damage, no one needs to know."

"Just some mindless sex, right?"

"That's the plan."

"Only you would _plan_ mindlessness."

"Hey, what can I say? Take me or leave me."

"You make it sound like such an easy choice."


	7. Chapter 7

Back to reality. I know Mondays are supposed to be a drag but this went beyond the cliché. Like a child I somehow dreaded that moment when it happened, when I left her car, returned to my apartment, and knew it would be void of her presence. Of course I couldn't tell her that, I simply took my bags said it was better that we say goodbye outside, less chance of the Sunday evening becoming a Monday morning. Even though it was all I wanted. Even after two straight days of her company alone, two more than I could generally bear with any other human being.

We were both exhausted by that evening and wouldn't have had much in the way of energy to pull away the darkening hours. I think I simply wanted to lie beside her. She had a way… when she slept. She rested her head against my chest, and left me with the scent of her shampoo, and curled and held her hand against my ribs. I've never slept so soundly. For any turbulence, for all the passion and contradiction, when she slept, actually _slept,_ with me… I felt calm. Somehow, a long time ago, I had forgotten how that felt.

So on a Monday morning, feeling completely worn out from the previous days yet being unable to rest properly, I did not enjoy the reception that I found in the workshop.

"Well…" Machu's voice was flat. "Look who finally shows his face."

"I'm not really in the mood for the cutesy comments if it's all the same to you."

"That right huh? Well neither are we."

"What? What's with the mood around here?" It wasn't only Machu with a dour look. The morbid silence was stretched out across the entire workspace. "Where's Doka?"

"Gone."

"What d'you mean gone?" I felt the remnants of my heart sink.

"Ask your dear sponsor. We've only been trying to get hold of you for the past two days!"

"I was out of town. What the hell are you talking about?"

"Somehow word got out to _President_ Abe," Machu waved his hand in mock grandeur, "about that dodgy work… when you went head first into the side barrier."

"So? He can't be fired over that! I could've stopped myself!?"

"Yeah? Too little too late hotshot." He snorted. "Doka's hearing was this weekend. He is _officially_ sacked from the team."

"Yeah right."

"'_Yeah right'_ what? You weren't there. What-cha gon-na do?" He mocked.

"Fix it." I turned back into the light. I may have been tired but there still seemed enough left to burn up into fury. It felt like a bloody ambush.

"_Really_."

"Yes, _Machu_, that's what is _supposed_ to happen around here! You can tell the guys I'm off to a newly scheduled meeting with Abe."

"Tenoh…!"

"Just deal with my damn car, and drop the attitude before I see you next."

X

The office buildings were pretty impressive. In the reception area on the ground floor that eternal jingle of elevator-type music provided a background for the movements of clients, the polite line-up of phone-answering-manicured women and the yawn of polished lift doors.

I guess I messed up their image slightly, the screaming red fire suit didn't quite match in with the modestly muted tones of the establishment. So I didn't blend in – what was new? A couple of groups were blatantly looking in my direction, as they deciphered between themselves whether I was someone of merit. I wasn't. I strode up to a woman who appeared to be finishing her phone conversation. It may have been pure shock value, but she gave me directions to the whereabouts of the President.

X

"Mr. Tenoh." Abe occupied an imposing leather chair, his fingers were knitted where they rested on his desk and his smile didn't reach his eyes. "I wasn't aware we had arranged a meeting?"

"Consider it arranged." I sat in the chair facing him.

"Very well, I have a few spare minutes. What happens to be on you mind?"

"My mechanic! What the hell are you doing pulling him out without any kind of consultation? Where's my right to defend him!? The crash was my fault as much as his!"

"Mr. Tenoh, your former colleague was a member of the _team_. It is a team _I_ sponsor and he wasn't living up to the expected work level."

"_I'm_ telling you, here and now, _I _could have avoided that accident."

"That's not the issue. He should not have created a situation in which you needed to. His actions directly jeopardized a major asset."

"_I_ crashed the car."

"That is correct."

"_So?_"

"The car is repairable. Drivers are not necessarily."

"I'mthe asset?" I rolled my eyes. "I suppose I should be touched."

"Don't be." He said stiffly. "I'm not inclined to give any compliment to a man who conveniently misses all the memos for the scheduled time to air an appeal and consequently crashes into my office."

"_I_ was _out_ of _town_." I growled thoughtlessly. He looked up, a momentary chink in his armor flashed with the look of shock across his face. It disappeared just as quickly.

"Anywhere nice?" He spoke sarcastically.

"I don't think that's any of your business." I had to be brazen.

"Really?" He snorted, looking down. "Really?" he said more quietly. He _must_ have known something.

"So my mechanic?" I returned after a moment, unsure of what else to say, certain that there wasn't a correct thing to say.

"Is being replaced. I've opted in as a member the interviewing process. I don't want to see this kind of error repeated."

"That's it then? You throw in your money and call the shots?"

"It's business, Mr. Tenoh. My part is financial and I have the right to protect my assets. Your work is _out_ of my office and on the track. Do we have an understanding?"

"I don't suppose that's optional."

"Listen." He stood. I noticed sweat beading on his brow, evidence of a barely concealed rage. "If you want to continue our arrangement you need to know the limits. _I_ don't need you, _you_ need me!" Standing, I saw a framed photo. His perfect family. Even while I was being challenged it stole my attention. "In some areas you have _no_ rights! Know your place and stay the hell away from mine!" He slammed the picture face down. He must have known…

"I understand." I said bitterly.

X

"Miss?" I looked up from the basin, cursing. The cool water splashed on my face was not producing the desired clarity, rather adding to my funk with an icy headache. And now what? "Miss, are you okay have you been cry- oh!" I had assumed the women's washrooms would be vacant in such a male dominated environment. I really just wanted to be alone.

"I was just leaving." I managed.

"Is it you? Tenoh? Tenoh Haruka?

"Christ."

"I can't believe it! You're a woman!?" I simply sighed, lost for a story of why else I would be in a female washroom.

"Right, right… what's your figure?"

"Hourglass I suppose." She grinned flirtatiously. "So what's yours?"

"Ma'am, I'm sorry, what I meant to say is what will it take to keep…?" The sound of high heels approaching the door interrupted me negotiation.

"Quick!" I was pushed back and followed into a stall.

"What the-" A finger was pushed against my lips. The lock clicked. She was kinda cute. Long auburn hair. Dark blue eyes. _Red_ lips… and outfit also somehow ill fitting in the corporate environment… It was all I could do to watch her wordlessly as she pressed against me. Until the sound of a popping lipstick cap, and running water, and finally retreating steps allowed for speech.

"I…"

"C'mon," She tossed her head in the direction of the doors. "Lets get out before we run into any more trouble." I simply followed. She paused in the corridor, leant towards my ear.

"Your secret's safe." She smiled confidently. "I don't need anything, but I'll take this." She kissed my cheek. I hadn't the energy to react.

"Thanks for that, _fire starter_." And her rather fine legs carried her in the direction I was escaping.

"Oh boy…" I rubbed my cheek, feeling the mark of her lipstick smudge and staring blankly. A few critical looks from peripheral staff were lobbed my way. I think the word 'notorious' came up.

X

M

X

"So what color are you eggs?" Kuriko enquired as I folded the laundry.

"I'm sorry?" I was hoping for a moment's silence to think over the past days…

"I was asking Mari's Mom about where babies come from…"

"_Kuriko_, we talked about before, you'll find out when you're older."

"Yeah, she didn't know either."

"Oh really?"

"Mm Hmm. She just said _'when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much,'_" She affected a superior tone, "… they have a baby."

"And you didn't believe it?"

"Nah. Mari's older sister does biology so we stole her homework…"

"Kuri-chan…!"

"I couldn't read but it had some pictures." She was completely unapologetic. "_Mama_, we gave her homework _back_!"

"How kind of you." I raised an eyebrow.

"At least I _know_ now."

"What's that?"

"Ladies lay eggs and men have tadpoles." I had to stop myself laughing.

"Is that right?"

"Yeah. I figured it out from the pictures. So, if you want to have a baby, you get your eggs, you get some tadpoles. No, wait... You get your eggs, you put them in water, then you find a man with tadpoles, you put the tadpoles in the water, then the tadpoles help break the egg shell and the baby swims out!" She scowled. "Don't laugh!"

"I'm sorry, darling. Thank you for the explanation."

"Quit smiling! Now, if you want a baby, you need to find a man with tadpoles. But I don't think Papa has any, he's too neat to keep tadpoles, _plus _if he's at work all the time he probably wouldn't feed them…"

"I see."

"Mmm… maybe the King?"

"I don't think so somehow."

"Have you even _asked_ him?"

"I can't say that I have."

"He probably _would_. He doesn't work too much and he wouldn't forget little things."

"And how can you say that?"

"Like…He didn't forget _me_ at the party."

I sighed. Felt tears threaten. _Gods_ I wished she was there. I gave my daughter a stack of clothes to take to her room and let the heat come from my chest to my throat, snake to my eyes and trail down in hot tears. I made it to the bathroom. Watched my face.

"…I'm _so_ in love…" I whispered to the reflection. The reflection leaned against the basin, became pale, the sheen of a cold sweat appeared. I made it to the toilet bowl before being sick.

X

"Hello?"

"Michiru?" It was Shun.

"Of course it's me." I hoped I sounded upbeat.

"How… how are things?" He sounded strange. Struggling. It struck a chord of panic. I felt the wave of nausea resurge.

"Fine… we've just been doing the washing…" I sat leaning forward, supporting my head in my hand, keeping my eyes squeezed shut.

"That's…" He trailed off. "I… I wanted to ask you…?"

"Sounds serious?" I attempted to speak lightly.

"Michiru… I…" There was a threatening silence. "You… you wouldn't ever leave us…?"

"Shun? Why would you even ask that?" Call it dread fascination, but I needed to know…

"It's just… Would you?"

"I couldn't." I said. It was hard to breathe.

"Okay… That's fine… That's' fine." He repeated. The line went dead.

That was when I was certain it wasn't. I lay on the couch like a teenager for the rest of the afternoon. I wanted her then. That wasn't the problem. I wanted her always and the chances of that seemed to be slipping through my fingers even as I lay there. As my husband voiced his uncertainty. As my mother gave me her warning looks. As Kuriko seemed to know nothing, yet, in her innocent way, understand everything. Was I a monster?

I must have been.

When Shun returned some of his resolve appeared to have reformed. And my poor husband. I couldn't even bring myself to ease his concerns. Couldn't bring myself to lie any further. We hadn't slept together for weeks.

X

H

X

I sat at our table holding a bag of frozen squid rings against my cheek and waited for Hideo to make it back to our table. Suffice to say I wasn't in the best of moods when I returned to the track. The small world I had constructed over the past few weeks was being predictably obliterated. Machu was similarly pissed off given the loss of his co-worker. The ensuing fistfight that afternoon was something of a relief I guess. To be honest we weren't on such bad terms anymore. It's a guy thing. Anyway, he had decided to go home to ice his lip and Hideo had promised to buy me a drink... or five by my last count…

"C'mon Tenoh, what can be so bad? It'll all blow over. I hear the replacement will be a good one."

"Yeah… it's not that…" I brought the glass shakily up to my mouth.

"A girl?"

"Doesn't matter."

"Of course. Sixteen are you?"

"Twenty three. Get off my case."

"Very well…" He sipped reservedly. "So where do you go when you disappear?"

"Doesn't matter."

"Not to _you_ perhaps. There are still the rest of us."

"Christ, I can't get a _weekend_ to myself?"

"We were worried."

"You…?"

"Yes. We're involved now, young man. You're one of us."

"If you say so…"

"I do. And if you weren't you wouldn't have gone off like that to defend Doka. We're all a big greasy family."

"I don't have a family and I _don't_ think you know me well enough to pull into yours."

"If you say so… So, now, how hard can it be? It's not like you to have trouble with women? We're hanging out for a few pointers!" He laughed.

"Sure." I moved the dripping bag against the side of my face. Before continuing sarcastically. "Be eloquent, be succinct, be truthful when you can. Listen, listen, _listen_."

"And any woman will be putty in your hands?" He shook his head smiling. "I don't suppose it helps to have a phenomenal record, a messy haircut and eloquence despite drunkenness?"

"Numbers." I said flatly.

"Eh?"

"If all it takes is the recorded seconds signaling my difference from another driver, if it is little more than a measure of I.Q. points separating me from the rest… Stamp a number on me. To all the world that's the only real reason to pay so much attention I'm nothing more."

"Rather dramatic tonight…Identity crisis?"

"You have no idea."

"So women require little more than a formula?"

"Trust me. I've got no damn winning formula."

"Not when you need it?"

"Spare me the analysis."


	8. Chapter 8

M

X

"Well is she?"

"_Is_ she?"

"I have no idea…! Well, some, but… _isn't_ it…!?"

"Scandalous!"

"Exactly!"

Walking slowly from the elevator doors, my blood ran cold as I heard the urgent voices at reception. I had to take a breath, I swapped my violin case from one hand to the other. Surely it wasn't about me that they were whispering… They wouldn't care. Wouldn't know who I did or didn't see…

"Oh! Ms Kaioh!" The girl on reception was joined by two friends.

"Good morning. Is Mr. Nawa in the studio?" I was hopeful.

"Oh, he shouldn't be long. Just collecting his bits and pieces down the hall. Chat with us while we wait?" I smiled weakly and nodded my response feeling slightly shaky beneath the weight of perceived scrutiny.

"Is it true?"

"What's that?"

"The… _affair_!"

"Sorry?" the dizzy feeling throbbed forcefully.

"You know the sound technician?"

"Not… really…?"

"I think he got together with one of the singers… the lead of… what's the group?"

"Candy something?"

"Candy Now?" The name of one of Kuriko's CDs made it into my blurred mind's eye.

"That's right!"

"And she dates that famous model who does boxer shorts!"

"I… see." I _couldn't_ see the _importance_.

"Why would she go for the sound technician?"

"Why doesn't her boyfriend care?"

"Oh! Oh! Maybe he's…"

"What's that?" I asked noncommittally, looking over to see if I could locate Nawa in the corridor.

"Gay!" The first girl speculated deafeningly. I had an irrational moment of feeling accused.

"Gay!?"

"_Gay_!"

"Ms. Kaioh?" Nawa appeared. "Gay?"

"Mr. Nawa - _Excuse_ me?"

"Dear, I leave you only a minute with my admin girls and look at the gossiping frenzy you get them into…!"

I was not amused.

"Shall we go through?"

"Certainly. This shouldn't take long." And indeed it wasn't much longer before the background chattering one more reached fever pitch.

"You received the score?"

"Thank you, yes. The courier arrived last week. Just some of the backing instrumental?"

"I know… nothing too strenuous. Consider it a warm-up. The artists were keen to use you on the track. You've become something of the Tokyo Vanessa Mae, as far as they're concerned…and you know how these Pop artists like _'the background violin swell'_…"

"Just formulaic then?"

"No, no. It's not so bad. A cover album actually…"

"That's supposed to be a selling point?"

"These are established musicians. Honestly I think they're improving on the originals. Far more acoustic. Anyway, I thought you'd be sold on the album title."

"Oh? What's that?"

"_She will have her way_."

X

Set-up was thankfully efficient. I wasn't feeling quite on top of things. Even that morning telling Kuriko to finish her breakfast while I couldn't face eating and watching her mood deteriorate as I was less and less able to focus on her constant enquiries... Recently Shun was increasingly quiet. I was sleeping irregularly. Waking at strange hours, tying myself in knots over the small mistakes that arose with exhaustion and yet relying on those knots to get me through. To hold me together…

The band was ready. It truly was acoustic, a few accompanying strings and a guitar. The girl at the microphone smiled to her guest musicians and began. I vaguely recognized the tune, a slowly strummed introduction faded into the husky tone of the singer.

"_You're not the girl you think you are  
they're not his shoes under your bed  
he'll take you places in his car  
that you won't forget…_

_  
And all the people that you know  
will turn their heads as you go by  
but you'll be hard to recognize  
with the top down and the wind blowing, blowing…_

_He won't deceive you or tell you the truth  
woman, he'll be no trouble  
he won't write you letters  
full of excuses  
come on, believe you have one… in a million_

_You're not the girl you think you are  
someone's standing in your place  
the bathroom mirror makes you look tall  
but it's all in your head, all in your head_

_He won't deceive you or tell you the truth  
woman, he'll be no trouble  
he won't write you letters  
full of excuses  
come on, believe you have one in a million_

_He won't deceive you or tell you the truth  
come on, believe you have won  
you're not the girl you think you are  
believe you have won  
you're not the girl you think you are  
believe you have won  
you're not the girl you think you are…"_

X

H

X

"Pop-eye! Meet Fat-lip!" Kenji was followed by Hideo who grinned his agreement.

"Looking good Tenoh!" despite his purple mouth Machu appeared to be smiling too.

"You kiss your '_girlfriend'_ with that?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah... Kissing your knuckles put me off some… how's your stupid face?"

"Oh." A voice cut-in.

The redhead. _Christ_. From Abe's office… appeared from the back room. "Lovely as ever I see…" She was in overalls. What the-

"What… are you doing here?" What had she told them? Was this some kind of threat from the bloody president?

"Keeping _your_ ass alive, Darling."

"Is this some kind of joke? _Why's_ she in here? What are you talking about?"

"Eh? Is he always so difficult?" She glanced to my colleagues. The two remaining monkeys nodded gravely. As did Kenji… And Hideo. Traitors. "Lucky it's such a fine ass, or I might not feel so compelled!"

"You're. My. Mechanic…?"

"And they say blondes can be slow. You got it, hot shot."

"But - when I _saw_ you…!"

"Goddamnit Tenoh! Do you have tabs on every woman in Tokyo?" Machu groaned.

"No, I…"

"No major relationship really." She interjected _again_. "Brief encounter in a washroom."

"That's not how it…"

"_Un_believable." Tora shook his head.

"Come _on_! Guys! Look, I don't even know what her…"

"It's Muyami Takiko. Taki will be fine" She put out her hand to shake. I acted accordingly.

"Tenoh Haruka." I smiled uneasily.

"I _know_." She winked.

"What kind of a… You don't even know the names of these women!?" Machu looked disgusted.

"Rather poor form really?" The red head looked to the staff for sympathy. It was clearly available. _Women_.

"I apologise… _Taki_."

"Really? How?"

"What… do you mean?"

"Well, how do you intend to make it up to me?"

"Uh." I rubbed my temples in agitation, instantly regretting it as the skin tightened around my bruised eye. "I don't suppose you _already_ have something in mind?"

"Well, well, smart guy, I just might."

"Care to inform me?"

"Certainly. Be my date. The Abe function tonight. The fat cats are warming up their drinking skills for the beginning of the season. I hear he has a nice place. Anyway, I managed to impress enough at that interview to get a free pass. And I don't want to be left as bait for some dull-as-their-neck-tie corporate types. Come with me?"

"I… don't know. The president doesn't seem to be my biggest fan…"

"Chill, PBT, as long as you race well… stay away from his wife… really what damage could you do?" I had to do a double take.

But, no. She wasn't being serious. The guys were watching me curiously. I swallowed.

"Yeah… Yeah sure. When is it?"

"I'll pick you up at nine. Now get on that track and show me I haven't just made a huge mistake!"

X

In all honesty, it did seem different. I couldn't place which precise part of the machine had been tinkered with to make the change… only it seemed smoother. I took the corner at break-neck speed and defied the cliché, neck entirely intact. The laps fell away, kinks smoothed just a little better, my anticipation quickening just slightly. It was incremental progress but all in all I could feel some of that fire return. The scent of glory was growing stronger, stepping up my pulse. For now I had to focus my energy in the instant, in the space beyond. The present. The target. The void. The shell of the vehicle as my own skin. At such speed damage to the chassis may as well have been a wound inflicted directly…

Muyami Takiko… What was she after? I wasn't fond of her proximity to Abe. Nor her increasing proximity to myself… I could at least say _that_ was a known formula for disaster when it came to women…

X

After practice, after the gym, there was little time left but to shower and change. I felt better than yesterday. I kept telling myself that. One chapter closes, another opens… when the season was in full swing I would be too tired to feel the loss.

'_you have one new mess – BLEEP – message received today at One. Fourty Five. P.M…'_ I collapsed onto the bed knowing it would be her… "Last night I dreamt… I was learning to make you cry… learning to make you laugh… Perhaps that sounds terrible, but it wasn't… Because, as I learnt… it reminded _me_… To cry and to laugh and to feel again without having to try. It came to me so clearly… that it was one in the same… and the most rare, most beautiful thing... I missed you when I awoke… Perhaps I'll see you tonight?" _BLEEP. To play the message again, press one. To save, press two. To delete, press three… BLEEP.'_

"Message deleted." I murmured.

I bound my chest as tightly as possible. My expanding, collapsing ribcage pushed against the bandages painfully. It was to remind me, I told myself, to feel it and to know it and to damn well keep myself in check. Whatever I was feeling it wasn't more important than holding it together. If only for my own sanity. I could lose everything… everything… go back to zero. This was no time to question the value of that '_everything.'_

X

"Red car? I should've guessed." I teased my blatant escort for the evening, though she managed to settle on wearing a typical black cocktail dress.

"Team colours, gorgeous, quit complaining!"

"Ms, Muyami…" I got into the passenger side.

"Taki."

"_Taki_, you can drop the act away from the pitt crew."

"Which act?" She turned the keys in the ignition.

"The Damn _Mr._ Tenoh routine. You know as well as I do there's nothing to substantiate it."

"Substantiate, eh?" She pulled out onto the road. "Interesting turn of phrase. Can't say I've had sufficient… investigation to agree…"

"You're kidding, right?"

"A little." She raised an eyebrow, smiling devilishly. I sighed.

"It would seem you have an agenda…"

"How so?"

"Why are you taking me out there? What do you want?" I ran my fingers through my hair. "Has Abe hired you? Does he _know_?"

"That you're a woman?"

"…_yes_?"

"Not from anything I've heard. He hired me for the team. I happen to be good at my job. Contrary to popular belief the universe does not revolve around you…"

"Fair point… the car was a lot smoother today, actually. I meant to say earlier…"

"Hey… well that wasn't so hard, was it?"

"I… still don't understand."

"Blondes…" She shook her head mockingly. "I thought you'd look cute in a tux."

"Huh?"

"I was right."

X

M

X

"Mrs Abe, I presume?" I couldn't say who was enquiring.

"Just about. It's Kaioh, Kaioh Michiru, but yes, I am his wife. A pleasure, Mr…?"

"Sakamoto On. Not drinking tonight?"

"Oh, you know the role of hostess, wouldn't want to risk drowsiness with so many important guests." Honestly that earlier sick feeling had returned and mixing alcohol didn't seem like the best plan.

"You play the role so charmingly, my dear, I'm sure you can allow yourself to relax?"

"Perhaps later in the evening." I smiled. "Have you been introduced to Mr. Yamato? He has recently returned from Quebec, I hear…"

"Is that right?" Thankfully Yamato was more than happy to relay another of his long-winded recollections of conference venues, hotel facilities and all other aspects devoid of culture…

She _had_ to be here. I looked out into the crowd, trying not to catch the gaze of the other arriving parties… A flash of blonde, I could have sworn. An arm at my back. Shun's. I looked up guiltily. He pretended not to notice.

"There are some people dying to meet you, Darling. A sponsor of the Symphony Orchestra. I think he is more interested in meeting you than discussing sports…!" He looked down for a quiet moment. "No drink?"

"Perhaps I'll just get some water. I'll be with you in a moment…" I kissed him briefly on the cheek. It seemed necessary.

From the bar I had a better view. She was here… I felt giddy. Had to stop myself from running to her. She hadn't seen me… or wasn't interested. She was speaking… to another woman. A woman holding her arm. Laughing at her words. She was stunning… in the true sense of the word, her bright red her, her vibrant gestures. Expressive and extroverted, unabashed and right where she wanted to be. Where I wanted to be. But was not… Because I was unabrasive, and quiet and polite. My stomach turned.

Shun was lost in conversation. I wanted to said I decided to go after her, but it didn't feel like I had the will not to anymore. I swayed through the clusters of people, occasionally checking back to see if Shun had noticed… He didn't. But _she_ did… finally. Turning slightly and saying nothing.

"Mrs Abe!" It was the redhead. "It's great to meet you!" I wasn't sure whether she was being sarcastic…

"It isn't…" I began with the tired explanation, but was startled as the one person I wanted to see turned completely, a deep purple bruise around her eye, "_Haruka_, your face!"

"I…" She was stunned. I realised my slip.

"Do… you two _know_ each other?" The damn woman looked suspiciously between us.

"My daughter," I blurted, "Har- Mr. Tenoh was something of a saviour when I lost her at a similar occasion to this. She… grew quite attached and he has obliged us with his company…"

"You have a little girl? I can't say you look like you've been pregnant… Must have some wicked workout routine?"

I was lost for words. Perhaps I was tired and over-sensitive, it was just that recently I couldn't stand all those details, those suggestions that I wasn't a real mother. The Gods knew I wasn't much of one over the past weeks…

"Michiru," Finally, she finally acknowledged me, "Perhaps you would, show me the men's room? I can't seem to tie this right." She tugged slightly at her collar.

"Of course, Miss? Will you be happy on your own for a moment?" I believe you might find some familiar faces down towards the seated area."

"I'll be fine. I'm always fine." She waved us off.

There was a slight break in the crowd allowing us to make it out beyond the event area and into the main building. We walked quickly, unspeaking. Checking there were no waiting staff traipsing past, I pulled her into the guest bathroom. Pushed her against the closed door, ran my hands up the inside of her jacket, feeling the tension of those horrendous bandages… She held my wrists to stop me.

"Michiru, you know we can't…"

"Don't. Please. I do know… I just can't bear to hear it from your lips, in your voice. Please."

She released me. Pulling her hand through her hair. I stepped back.

"What happened to you?" I asked quietly.

"Huh? This?" She pointed to her eye childishly. "Bit of a punch-up. You should see the other guy." She grinned.

"Coming from anyone else I'd take that as a joke." I tiled my head to see better. "Yet I find myself feeling slightly sorry for this _'other guy.'"_

"Eh, don't." She dismissed me trying to refasten the bow tie. "It's only Machu." She clearly wasn't going to achieve any result with her knotting style. I batted away her hands.

"Haruka." I scolded, carefully assisting her as I used to do with Shun. "What are you doing beating up you team mates?"

"He deserved it."

"You weren't perchance… sleep deprived?"

"Maybe."

"And possibly… in one of you moods?"

"_Possibly_…"

"All done." I stepped back to allow her to view my handiwork in the mirror. She looked surprised that such a feat could, in fact, be executed, and raised her hands to check then stopped short as if fearing it might unravel once more.

"This…" Her smile faded. She laughed humourlessly. "Seems so domestic."

"Is that so bad?"

"It… Look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come tonight. I wasn't going to. It was Taki…"

"Your date?"

"Yeah…" She looked down, turned, went to the door. "We won't stay long."

Her steps echoed in the hall. I stood still and listened until the sound died away. Taki. _Taki_… For all my need of it, I couldn't bring myself to despise the woman. I too hollow and hadn't the energy.

It was over before they arrived. My lover… She would not return to this place. Nor beside me in the car. Nor any hotel or hideaway… She wouldn't return to me. I staggered forward to lean on something recognising the blurring of my vision… I fell into darkness.

X

X

"Ms. Kaioh? There you are…" There was a repetitive beeping in the background. A sharp sanitised smell. "We were rather worried for a moment there… even with the nausea, it's important to eat regularly given your condition…" A doctor.

"Sorry… how do you know all this?" The man was middle-aged, balding slightly, and smiling knowingly. "I don't have any pre-existing conditions?"

"Well, we usually run tests when we find women passing out in bathrooms... We were almost about to book you in to radiology before we got your results back!" He beamed. "I believe your husband just went out to the cafeteria…"

"_Please_…" I couldn't understand what seemed to be so funny. The doctor was almost theatrical in his delivery.

"Ms. Kaioh, you're pregnant."


	9. Chapter 9

The ride home was thankfully quiet. The doctor seemed to mimic my wordlessness once I heard him and was unable to give the sort of response that one should. But… this was beyond… I ran my palm up and down my stomach. It had grown even more flat, slightly concave against the points of my hipbones.

There was a little life.

Shun was pointedly fixed on his driving. I knew he was too afraid to ask me what or why or how…he had no idea that there were three of us traveling in the car.

A baby.

Though my eyes filled, and unnoticed, hot tears streamed relentlessly, a small smile had pulled the edges of my lips and refused to let go.

"How… are you feeling?" He finally spoke.

"Conscious."

"I was thinking…"His voice was forced. "Perhaps we should go away together for a while...?"

"Away?"

"A colleague of mine, he suggested a location on the east coast… He went away when he and…" Shun swallowed. "What do you think?"

"I think… you're right."

X

H

X

I woke alone. I almost had not. Taki made her _'ulterior motive'_ painfully obvious after we made a quick retreat from the impossible 'Abe Function.' I would've preferred to go somewhere more neutral, though she insisted upon her apartment, claiming expert knowledge of a potent cocktail. No kidding. Campari, blood orange, crushed ice, fresh mint. She poured it all together and slid beside me on her leather couch. And I drank. And I teased her. And she laughed. And it was all the same as I'd done before.But it was ridiculous. And I could finally see it, and I couldn't forget it.

Because I had met Kaioh Michiru.

Somehow a few mere stolen moments had amounted into something… so impossibly fresh and raw and I just… I just couldn't shake her. Not that it was news. But the growing clarity of the fact that I could _not_ see her again bounced around my consciousness, dulling any joy, challenging my reality. So… I was cracked open. And at each moment of silence that this _other_ woman, this unknowing other woman left open I felt close collapse.

Taki was half done unbuttoning my shirt before I realized I needed to call a cab. It may have been the alcohol, but I felt numb in ways. Like an actor in my own story… who was trying to recall the lines, forgetting the role and all the motives… Tenoh Haruka. Racer. Playboy to some, playgirl to others. Athlete. Ingénue. Champion. Cheater. Liar. Colossal failure.

"Will she? Won't she?" Taki walked her fingers up the center of my then exposed chest. I said I should go for the second time that night, "Next time." I tried to smile but it fell away to early to deceive successfully. She said that the rumors must have been false. I shrugged

If I had had more energy I could have exploded and explained that I existed on more than rumors… but that was becoming less and less certain to me now. I couldn't have said that there was anyone looking to see more than everything they had been told. Not with me. Not anymore.

X

M

X

"Are you not even curious?" I was slightly hurt, standing in front of the closed door to our home.

"I… thought it might have just been a dizzy spell?" He tried almost optimistically, before he voice fell quietly. "What did the doctors say?"

"A…" I touched my stomach once more, heart beating wildly. "I'm pregnant." And he was right before me. And he couldn't react.

"Is it mine?".

The sound of the slap seemed to echo around the room. My eyes welled, perhaps more shocked than he was. Shun touched his face gently, staring at me.

"How dare you?" I hissed, my voice lost, and rushed out to the bedroom.

X

"Sorry." He managed as he finally made it through to sit beside me. Both of us on the edge of the bed, dumb and still as though trying to work though the results of a teenage transgression…

"Is that all you have to say?"

"I… we weren't trying for a baby…?"

"You don't have to try. Apparently… even with all the regular precautions in place… sometime there are just…"

"Accidents?"

"Chances."

"Are you… why didn't you tell me before?"

"I guess I was in shock…"

"I thought you didn't want to fall pregnant?"

"Neither did I…"

"And…?"

"And…" I looked down, trying to imagine warmth in my core. After it had gone so cold. After I began to feel I was losing _her_… "And I was wrong." I choked. "I want this baby… I don't care if you think it's yours or…"

"Tenoh's?" He finally said it. I felt winded, but it was too late.

"That's right, or if you think it's _Haruka's_…" I felt heat in my lungs, hearing the words, watching his withered expression, feeling some of the power return to me. "Because it's _mine, _and it will be loved and in the end it will be it's own, and belong to itself… and not have the horrendous burden of who to be and whether or not you _believe_…" I couldn't speak for the tears. It was all me. Without me there would be no war before the child was even with us…

"Michiru." He softened. His arms wrapped around me, and I buried my face in his chest. "Shh, shh…Come now. Don't let yourself get so wound up… it won't do any good…"

My best friend… I thought. My best friend. My _best_ friend. Honestly, I wanted to tell Shun before anyone else. I had missed that facet of our relationship over the recent weeks. From the beginning he had been there when everyone else had not. He wasn't demanding, or temperamental, or unattainable. Even when my mother had indicated her fears to him, (I couldn't believe she would bring up the issue of my _'strange little university fling'_) he didn't chase me up on it. Never questioned my standing. Respected my ways, be they 'artistic' or unorthodox, I was _allowed_. I so rarely felt I couldn't tell him anything…

X

My mother arrived exactly fifteen minutes after the time of invitation – the point at which fashionably late did not cut into obnoxiously tardy – and was happy to have her coat taken by Shun to be appropriately hung. Kuriko sat on the edge of the couch in a favorite dress, kicking and bouncing her legs, blowing out her cheeks as though hard pressed in retaining her secret. She knew she was getting a new brother or sister. She knew she had to wait until Grandma had been told. _I_ knew she would explode from anticipation if we could not relay our information within the next three minutes.

"Champagne?" Shun offered.

"If we are…?" My mother looked impressed. Kuriko's cheeks bulged, I looked sternly in her direction.

"Well then…" he poured slightly awkwardly, handing out the glasses, mine filled with orange juice. "Who will make the toast?"

"I CAN!"

"_Kuri_," Shun said warningly. "Perhaps _your Mama_ would like to?"

"Oh… then new beginnings I suppose?" I smiled to him.

"Come on, Dear, you can't keep an old woman in suspense like this. Honestly. You haven't been this bad since you announced your engage…"

"I'm having a baby."

"A…?" she nearly dropped her glass.

"A BABY!" Kuriko thundered. "I'm gonna teach it kick boxing!" We were all slightly taken aback at that point. "It's good to learn…" She tried to explain, shrugging.

"How… how far along are you?"

"A month I suppose…"

"You _suppose_?" I felt tense again.

"It was… a surprise…"

"Surprise?"

"So…?"

"Oh Darling, it's wonderful news!"

"It…" I felt silly even saying so. "I think it's a boy…"

"You think you can tell?" Shun laughed.

"Premonition." I raised an eyebrow. "I had this image chase through my mind…"

"Huh?"

"Oh, _men_ never understand these things!" My mother cut in. "I knew you were a musician before you were born…"

"Rhythmic kicker?" My husband tried.

"_No_… you just know…"

"I see…"

"Papa? Was I a kicker?"

"Kuri, you were an Olympic gymnast."

"A boy… " My mother looked into space a moment. "I wonder if he'll be blonde?"

"Why… would you say that?" Shun couldn't quite bring himself to smile.

"Oh, Michiru's father was _quite_ blonde as a child…"

X

H

X

It was on. I whipped around the corner. Eyes and ears, heart and lungs and arms and fingers… instinctively nudging my car to hold its place perfectly. The qualifying for pole position had been fantastic. This was my home track. Its curves had grown familiar like… _well_… transitioning smoothly I pushed through the gears, shooting down the straight. It didn't even feel like a competition. I knew my abilities well enough to see further than the machines hounding me. It was mine.

Even through the helmet and fire protection I could make out the roar of the crowd. I punched out to the sky. Pulled into the stop to be swamped by the crew tumbling over me. I staggered back, exhausted after the intensity of the race and ill prepared for the weight of over-enthusiastic full-grown men.

"It's PBT!!! The loud speaker boomed overhead. "PBT in the red there, Tokyo's own pretty boy of racing… he'll be celebrating with one delighted team tonight!"

The guys fell away. Taki approached, beaming, helped me pull off the headgear, dropping it to the ground, and holding my waist.

"You goddam legend!" She shook her head.

"Not so bad huh…" She kissed me forcefully. I didn't pull away. Almost lost my footing again, but didn't pull away.

"Lllladies and gentlemen… it looks like our young playboy can't keep his enthusiasm to himself…!" Christ. Over my shoulder I saw our embrace captured on the big screen… the crowd responded once more. Well, it was Taki's mechanical artistry as much as my driving. I held her hand and pulled it up into the air over our heads, turning to the crowd.

X

"Tenoh, you're a wuss."

"Eh? What happened to champion?"

"Well, what happened to brotherhood?"

"I'm passing on the drinking, not destroying some imaginary pact."

"C'mon then, I'll catch a ride with you." Taki smiled slyly. It didn't go missed.

"Don't you mess with our mechanic, Boy!"

"Did I say I was going to?" I raised my hands.

"You don't have to. The rule is don't screw the crew!"

"Uh huh? And when did that come into place?"

"Er… now."

"Only now?"

"We never had a chick before!"

"So you say."

"I do. It's the rules. You're no good to us when you're strung out on women…!"

"Good _night_, gentlemen."

X

I was happy to be sober and driving at a sober pace for a change. The night was cool and promising, I left the windows down. It helped to remind me of the actual speed I was traveling.

"Frequently strung out on women then?".

"I wouldn't say so."

"And why would they?"

"Trying to rub me the wrong way, I guess."

"Huh? No one else then?"

"Does it matter?"

"Maybe."

"Why?"

"Because… It could get in my way?"

"Path to world domination?"

"Oh, for now I'd be happy to simply dominate… you."

"Ah…" I cleared my throat. "I don't mean to disappoint, but if you're looking for a girl who likes to be _dominated_, you're looking in all the wrong places…"

"But how will I find out what you like if you don't show me?"

"Dream about it." I pulled into the driveway. She didn't seem particularly dismayed.

"You're cruel, you know that?" I opened the passenger door and kissed her cheek.

"Yes, I'm well aware."

"You haven't gone and taken a vow of celibacy, now have you Tenoh?"

"Not from memory. Anyway, it's race time… bad time for distractions…"

"Yeah, sure… Let me know when you aren't so exhausted, hotshot."

"You'll be the first to hear about it." I put the car in reverse.

"I'd _better_ be!" she yelled back waving.

I pushed the hair from my eyes, cruising easily through the streets, willing myself awake. I wanted a shower, clean clothes, twenty-four hours of sleep. Was that so much to ask? The win was as overwhelming as the race itself. My heart pounding, team swarming in. The crowd. The noise. It felt like all of Tokyo was on my side, watching…

I approached my front door yawning and was almost too dazed to notice the huddled bundle at my foot. I jumped to notice the movement. She always had been good at creeping up on me.

"Kuri-chan?" She was shaking, crying, stammering over her words.

"K-King… I want to stay he-here tonight…" Acting on autopilot, I picked her up, trying to rub some warmth into her little body.

"Hey, hey… no problem…" I looked cautiously. "Do your parents know where you are?"

"No." She pulled her quivering lower lip into a pout. I'm running away from them."


	10. Chapter 10

"Hello?! _Hello?"_

"Michiru, she's here."

"Gods! Oh thank… thank you! I don't know…"

"She's safe and dry and watching T.V… I don't think she'll forgive me calling you though."

"I'm so, so sorry! I don't know how she…? She just disappeared!"

"Well, messed up runaway attempt, I guess. She was waiting on my doorstep. I just got in."

"Oh, Haruka, I…I'll be right there."

"No rush, we're drinking tea."

"_Tea_?"

"Apparently I had some in the cupboard…?"

"Oh?"

"It's not so bad… if you heap sugar into it."

"Sugar? Where is your sense of tradition? Your respect for subtly?"

"Dunno. I'll check the cupboard…"

"Thank you."

"Hey, anytime."

I returned to the lounge slowly, anticipating the frosty welcome… and there it was. Kuriko's look was stern and unrelenting. Five-year-old fury, huh. I sat on the opposite side of the couch, sighing, tired… _damn_ tired from the race. I clearly had to be the one to speak first.

"You want your Mom to worry?"

"_No_."

"She sounded pretty unhappy. You can bet she missed you..."

"Doubt it. She probably wouldn't have known if you never phoned!"

"Kiddo, she _knew_."

"Did not."

"Did so."

"Did. _Not_."

"Did… _Fine_. You win."

"I _know_."

"What was your plan, then?"

"I could live with you?"

"With me?"

"Yeah, I can sleep on this chair?"

"Your room is bigger than my lounge, I don't think it's the best swap."

"It's fine here."

"Princess, there's rarely any food, any people, any… clean clothes. It's no place to live."

"_You're_ here."

"And that's the worst of it. Seriously, you wouldn't want to live with me."

"Yeah I do."

"Do not."

"Do _so_."

"No, trust me, no one in their right mind would put themselves through that."

"…Why?"

"Temperamental, irresponsible, erratic…" I rubbed my eyes.

"I don't know what that _means_…"

"Trouble. I'm no good to live with." I stretched back. She was quiet a moment, then crawled over to lie against my chest.

"Me too." She sniffed, teary again. "I make them argue… 'cos I ask the questions about whose tadpoles and only 'cos I wanted to know and they got so mad at each other and…"

"Whoa, whoa," I pulled my arms around her, "C'mon you're not making sense. None of that's your fault, you're allowed to ask all the questions you want…"

"I just wanted to know about the baby…"

"The…" I heard the blood pump in my ears. Reality cut through violently. All the time I had spent fooling myself. The moments I believed I had found something to hold onto… I was left cold. And what felt like acceptance, like a slow chill from a distant breeze crept over me. "…Baby."

"Mama thinks it's gonna be a boy."

"You're going to have a little brother?" I needed to hear it for certain.

"Yeah…" She was falling asleep. I stroked back her hair, closed my eyes, and tried to forget I would be unlikely to see this little girl again.

"Well, you'd better be there for him. And your Mom and Dad. You'll only break their hearts…"

"I guess… Mama said _you_ were a heart-breaker… it said in a magazine."

"That's quite different."

"Is not."

"Is so."

"Is not."

X

M

X

Knocking lightly, I found the door gave way and hadn't been locked at all. I stopped myself from calling out as the scene before me was revealed. They were sound asleep. In a slightly shambled arrangement across the couch, Kuriko, completely safe and sound, was curled against Haruka's chest, which moved slowly with the rhythm of sleep. I stepped around the coffee table to perch on an opposite armchair. Two of the feistiest, dearest people I was likely to encounter, both captured in such deceptively angelic unconsciousness.

And my heart twisted. I was so tired from a day of suspicion, of loaded arguments… Shun had finally burst out with all his fears, following my mother's departure. It was only to be expected, what kind of a man would choose to ignore what was so plainly put before him? In ways I think I wanted him to do it, to take the bait, try and deal with me knowing the truth… Irrational and demanding as it was, I wanted so desperately for him to understand that it wasn't easy. That I couldn't go back… That it wasn't all a bizarre deviation. I was so tired, and all I wanted was to lie on that same couch, and to be wrapped in that embrace…

"Uh… you're here…?" Haruka looked exhausted, disarmingly adorable in her ruffled state.

"I didn't want to wake you up." I smiled, whispering. "Thank you. I'm sorry again."

"'Happens." She stood up carefully, holding Kuri-chan. "Who doesn't try a runaway stint at least once?"

"This coming from the master, I suppose?" I raised my hands to take Kuriko.

"Maybe." She extricated herself gently. And there was the briefest moment, when we held her together…

"You know you're her hero?"

"Sure… little does she know I'm the villain…"

"No, no… there aren't any of those…"

"If you say so." She stretched.

"I'm sorry to keep you up, and obviously… I _know_… I didn't mean to intrude on you again like this…"

"It wasn't planned, I'm sure." She smiled sadly. "Michiru," she hesitated, then nodded to my stomach, "Congratulations… I'm sure you'll be a great mother… again."

"Haruka, I…"

"You don't have to explain anything, it's none of my business…"She looked away. "I want you to be happy." Her voice broke. It was too much, the tears I thought had run dry blurred my vision.

"So do I… I just don't know if I can without…"

"You can. You have to… I'm sorry to disrupt your life like this. I really hope I haven't…" She shook her head forcing a smile. "I'm happy for you."

"Are you? Then why can't you look at me?"

"Because…" Almost obediently, she raised her eyes, and it seemed something in them had burnt out, "I'm sad… for me."

X

H

X

"He-ey good lookin'!"

"What… are… you… doing in… my… gym?" I finished the last press up and took a moment to stretch. Taki allowed her gaze to linger blatantly.

"Guy at the door let me in."

"I'm training."

"I can see that."

"What do you want?"

"To be here. To watch you."

"Fine." I sat at the rowing machine and pulled back violently. She looked amused.

"So how's the love machine this morning?"

"No love. Just machine." I gritted my teeth.

"I can work with that…"

"You _do_ work with this… and that's why you can't play with it!" I grinned, greatly amused by my third person referencing. And her subsequent faltering.

"Tenoh Haruka, Eight wonder of the World… to no woman but me…" She lamented sarcastically.

"If you're trying to flirt with me by making accusations of _promiscuity_…"

"You find it offensive?"

"No… just not particularly original."

"Yeah, yeah… and you're so unique. Another corporate-sponsored speed junkie…"

"Can't race without the backing." I shrugged.

"But you know corporations are weird, right?"

"…sure…"

"Like, legally, a corporation can be tried as a 'person,'"

"So?"

"So a person would feel guilt or remorse or something… a corporation acts according to the best financial outcome – criminal or otherwise…"

"What's your point?"

"If a corporation were a person… it would have the psychological make-up of a psychopath."

"Hmm… sounds efficient."

"Sorry?"

"Single-mindedness, remorselessness, unfaltering ambition… Psychopathic tendencies… could use some of those right now."

"That's your aim huh?" She wasn't going to let up.

I stood up, walked over to her, just stopping short, and cocked my head.

"A machine… some kind of performance…Isn't that all you want from me?" I raised my arms in defeat. "Here I am. I've got nothing else to offer you. I've got nothing else left."

X

M

X

I wheeled my luggage behind me, through the automatic doors and out to the heli-pad. Shun arranged for transport to the 'get away,' I'm not sure if we were, in fact, getting away from anything. Kuriko had settled down after a tag-team combination of coaxing and 'grown-ups can disagree too sometimes' type explanations. She was happily set up to spend the weekend with my mother, who seemed equally happy with her grandchild and increasingly frosty with me. I wasn't fooling anyone.

"Amazing, eh?" Shun yelled over the noise of the mechanical monster. For all our issues, there was nothing like a big-boy's-toy to bring out absolute glee. "You know these things go through fuel like nothing? Be fun to have one on call!"

"Fun?"

"Yeah… remember it?"

I didn't answer. It wasn't worth it.

It became rather too much effort to communicate with the noise of the helicopter anyhow, Shun occasionally piped up to inquire about aerodynamics and the like. I looked out over the landscape below. We flew over the harbor, across the landscape of cargo ships and cranes off-loading crates large enough to hold a household of furniture… and some of them must have been. Neatly packaged lives, stacked, hoisted and stacked again, so much; so very much of our modern existence was designed for this spatially appropriate Tetris. I touched my fingers against the window, trying to visually fit their shape against the geometry below. They would not. For my hands were irregular, my fingers spread haphazardly and without perfect edges and angles. But they could comb through the sea, could stroke over the contours of cloud and uncertain horizons. It all looked far less complex from this elevation. One of those times when you check to 'see your house' as though somehow you believe you can't possibly fit, and have a location and a quantity when the world seems so measurable. and its inhabitants so insignificant… Still, it didn't prepare me for the conversations that would follow that weekend.

X

X

"What do you think?" Shun spread his arms, as though the coast were his gift to me.

"Lovely. It's beautiful here… I should have brought my violin…"

"All work huh?"

"An artist never works… an artist lives in their medium…"

"I see." He clearly didn't. I wrapped an arm around his back.

"I _know_ that you don't."

"Well, thank God."

X

X

"I need to know."

"Why? What difference does it make?"

"You're my wife!"

"And I'm telling you it shouldn't matter. It's over. I don't _want_ to go over it again and again."

"And me? Does what I want even come into your picture anymore?"

"Of course it does, of course you do…"

"Then tell me. For _Christ's sake_ tell me! How can we get anywhere when you still keep secrets from me? So… so _blatantly_?"

"Shun… I can't…"

"Because you think he'll lose the sponsorship…?"

"Please…"

"He won't, he won't… it's all signed and sealed. It's a business venture, I wouldn't let something so trivial destroy my reputation…"

"Okay… fine, _you're right_. You are correct in all your suspicions. Does it make you feel any better?"

"Say. His. Name."

"…Haruka." I whispered. My eyes welled. "I have been seeing Haruka… _please_ don't…"

"You still want to protect him?" He held his face in his hands. "What am I to you anymore? A threat?"

"No Shun, no…"

"What then?"

"My husband. My friend. And I don't want to be without you, I couldn't stand it!"

"And him?"

"I told you, it's over."

"And how do you feel for him?"

"I…" I closed my eyes, pictured her face, felt my heart break. "It doesn't matter. We made a mutual decision not to see each other."

"Why?"

"What do you mean 'Why?'"

"Why then?"

"We didn't want to hurt anyone…"

"Well _congratulations_…"

"We didn't! What? Do you think this was some kind of vendetta? Do you _know_ how hard we tried to stop it from _ever_…" and from his expression I could see I had said too much.

"Why now, Michiru?" His voice fell gently. "How do you suddenly find it so hard to keep in control…? You never, _never_ let anything get the better of you…" He looked straight through me, the man I married, the friend I loved… he knew me so well…

"I don't know…"

"Do you love him?"

"I don't know…"

AN:

I regret to inform you this story will be on hold, as I have run away to join the Takarazuka. No. Not really… I am, however, traveling overseas for a couple of months, so the next chapter will be in the New Year. Happy Holidays! Please don't kill me!


	11. Chapter 11

X

H

X

"Uhm…Hello?"

"_LEEE-eaviiing On a jet plane_… _Don't know When_…"

"…Phone for you." Taki winced, limply passing over the receiver and rolling back under the covers.

"What do you want?" I murmured.

"Ooh, put me back on to the girl…"

"_I_ am a girl. _You're_ a..."

"Fabulous agent!"

"…Horrendous singer, I'd say don't quit your day job, but…"

"Be nice. For I bring tidings of great joy…"

"Mm hmm."

"Who's the girl?"

"None of your concern."

"Not this one you're rumored to be strung out on?"

"_No_. Strung out…? Where do you hear this stuff?"

"Some other girl then?"

"Two seconds away from hanging up…"

"Wait, wait – you _do_ need to know this."

"Uh huh?"

"You've been sold. Your little team is heading for new horizons, making new friends…"

"Sold? I'm going to need you to start making sense _soon_…"

"Buyer swooped in, must've made our good friend President Abe an offer he couldn't refuse, the deal went through incredibly fast…"

"_I'll_ _bet_."

"Bet what?"

"Nothing."

"What's your issue with Abe anyhow?"

"Well there _isn't_ one anymore."

"You know I can find out…"

"I'll take my chances. So what's the deal, we're in a new tournament?"

"It's all international! You're heading over in just under a week."

"_What?_"

"Well, before that you'll go down to Kyoto. Meet and greet. Promo shots. Etc. etc."

"You're serious?"

"Of course. Prepare yourself for the great tracks of the world!"

"I… can't believe this…"

"Well, you didn't have anything to attend to in Tokyo for the next few months?"

"…No…"

"That's what I love about you Tenoh. The perfect commodity – no ties."

"…Sure. Get the details through to me as soon as possible."

I turned off the phone. Sat up. Looked blankly at the receiver a moment. It was a good thing… It was a good thing… I tried to will myself to feel elated, or just feel _something. _I walked out of the bed towards the shower.

"Good news?" Taki voiced sleepily.

"We're… going overseas…" I closed the door.

X

Taki was radiant in her response, beaming, laughing, planning packing… all of those things I should have been. I just smiled mildly, stirred my coffee, sipped slowly, paid the bill, explained I had (imaginary) errands to run, and would see her on the track. No problem. I was surprised actually. She made the one night stand… or _one afternoon-evening-night-and-early-morning-stand_… totally uncomplicated.

No drama.

Perfect.

Kuriko was waiting on my doorstep when I returned. Of course.

"Where did you go?" She wasn't even weepy this time.

"Breakfast." I unlocked the door and she waltzed straight in.

"Who with?"

"A friend."

"A _girl_?"

"Maybe… are you going to call your mother this time, or shall I?"

"You can." She shrugged non-commitally.

"Okay." I shrugged back. "Tea?"

"Yes please." She climbed her way onto the sofa and looked out of the window. She really quite relaxed today.

"Just be a moment, Ma'am." The receptionist impersonation was lost on my company.

I cringed to realize I had committed the number to memory and dialed anyway.

"…This is Kaioh Michiru, I'm afraid I can not take your call right now. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible."

"Michiru… it's me. Kuriko's here. Safe and… in quite a good mood actually. Anyway… you know how to get hold of me."

I ran a hand through my hair and moved back into the lounge. Kuri looked up interestedly.

"What'd she say?"

"I dunno… leave a message…"

"Oh, that's a real good one…_'please leave a message and I will get back to you as soon as possible_!'"

"Good impersonation." I laughed. "Heard it a few too many times?"

"Nah, I made her practise when she got her new phone. It was a Christmas present. She had to keeping recording it again 'cos I made her laugh each time."

"Is that right?" I smiled, imagining it…

"Yup. It was a fun Christmas. I got mmm… probably a million presents."

"A million?"

"Probably. I have six grand-parents."

"That'd explain it. You haven't had breakfast yet, have you?"

"Nah. I had to leave early. Buses leave early usually."

"Guess we're going out then."

"I'll put on my jacket again. Are going to get the ingredients?"

"Uh? I guess…" I gathered my keys. She looked up suspiciously.

"Do you _know_ how to make pancakes?"

"Well… no, not really."

"What then?"

"_Cooking_?"

"Or baking…?"

"I…"

"Do you know about cookies?"

"I'm sure I could find out…" _Assuming the ingredients came with imprinted instructions._

"Okay. Lets go."

I wasn't quite used to walking at the pace of a five year old, and, suddenly unnerved by the currents of crowds, I hoisted her onto my shoulders. Far easier that way. It certainly added to the _'Aww cuute' _looks from fellow shoppers. My accomplice happily commanded a list of cookie-related components. Eggs. Sugar. _And_ icing sugar – it's different, you know. Flour. Butter. Chocolate chips. Milk. _Strawberry_ Milk. Princess Sparkle Magazine… all the essentials.

"Are you teaching your big brother how to bake?" The cashier smiled up behind my head.

"Yeah we're doing cookies. He's not my brother. He's my friend, the King."

"Well, you're very lucky." The gaze slid back down to me.

"Ha… hope so. We'll need all the luck we can get." I put in.

"Eh?" My hair was tugged lightly. "You said you could find out how to do it!"

"I know! Of course I can…"

"You can trust him…" The cashier winked and tapped the back of the flour bag. And there was, indeed, a printed cookie recipe. _Good_ luck.

X

Success is sweet. It could have done with some vanilla essence (apparently), but ultimately sweet. We finally had tea and cookies, just like any other civilized, batter-spattered, flour-dusted people might do. Checking the phone indicated there was still no response from Michiru.

"Is your Mom working today?"

"Mmm, nope. On holiday."

"Holiday?"

"With Papa. They took a helicopter."

"Kuriko, I'm serious, is she at the studio?"

"I _just_ said."

"And I suppose you've been looking after the mansion all by yourself?"

"Nah. It's dangerous for kids to be home alone. Didn't you see the movie?"

"Eh… yes, thanks for the lesson in safety…"

"I'm staying at grandma's house."

"_Shi_- your Grandma?"

"Yes."

"Which one?"

"The one who has the nice garden."

"Can you remember her address?"

"Yup."

"Kiddo. We've got to get you back there, she's probably going nuts trying to find you right now."

"What about the cookies?" she stuck out her bottom lip.

"I'll wrap them up to bring with you."

"Okay. But keep some also. You half-cooked them."

X

It was clear that the sight that met the woman behind the heavy door was not what she had expected. The initial joy of viewing her Granddaughter was soon mixed with a look of mildly distressed confusion. Gods. This was not the imaginary errand I had envisioned. I tried my best charming smile and offered the plate.

"Hi Grandma!" Kuri-chan piped up.

"Hello _Miss_… I've only been calling half of Tokyo trying to track you down…" She looked up to me, "I hadn't expected you'd be with…"

"Tenoh Haruka." I offered a hand to shake, then, observing its floury state, quickly retracted it.

"I _do_ know who you are." She returned.

"Right." I swallowed. "Look, Mrs.…?"

"Kaioh." …Oh… _Christ_.

"I didn't know Mich- I didn't know that _your daughter_ was away… I left a message on her phone, I guess she's out of range…"

"She's with her husband."

"Yeah, I…" I looked down. "Kuri-chan mentioned it, just before we left." I shook my head. "Here, please take these. I'm really very sorry for any concern, Mrs. Kaioh."

She received the plate, nodding soberly. I moved away from the house.

"King!" I turned. The girl ran over, and I dropped to my knee. "Thanks for looking after me today."

"You're welcome. Just make sure you ask before the next time. If your parents agree, I'll even pick you up in my car. It's safer than the bus."

"Yeah, 'cos the bus driver isn't a racer… But I don't think my parents will let me." The words cut icily.

"Why's that?"

"'Cos you _are_ a racer!"

"Yeah. Just be good for your Grandma." I kissed her forehead.

X

M

X

By the time we were on the return journey, the arguing seemed to have run its course into an exhausted silence. I rested my chin on my fist and watched the retreating landscape. Shun was preoccupied with his electronic organizer gadgets.

Resist, resist, resist… It was all I had ever been taught. The rules of high society. Behaving _like a lady…_a wife… It was just another skill to master. Not to think of her. Not the quiet way she laughed. Not the impossible intensity of her eyes when she _meant_ something. Not the pressure of her body against mine…

X

"Mama!" I smiled for what seemed like the first time in days. "Does Papa know how to fly 'copters?"

"You'll have to ask him when we get home." I picked her up, holding her tightly for a moment.

"Did you have the baby yet?"

"No, Sweetheart, it takes time for the baby to grow... almost as long as the time between birthdays"

"_What_!? That's years away!"

"About eight months."

"How many sleeps in a month?"

"Usually thirty one." My daughter slapped her forehead in response, clearly unimpressed with the mathematics of the situation. "Did you have a good day?"

"Yep. Went out for a bit."

"Did you?" I directed the question to my mother.

"Indeed. Quite the adventurer, this one."

"Oh?"

"Saw the King." My stomach dropped. My mother raised an eyebrow.

"You…? Again?"

"Mr. Tenoh apparently left a message on your phone. I wasn't aware this was a regular event?"

"No… no I didn't think… I'm very sorry."

"So was _he_." Her mood defrosted slightly for Kuriko's benefit. "Anyway, you're safe and sound… it's the most important thing."

"Plus we made cookies!"

"_Did_ you?" I almost laughed. "That sounds fun… are you going to say good night to Grandma?"

"Good night, Grandma! Thank-you for ha-ving me!"

"Goodnight, Darling. Sleep well… Michiru?"

"Yes?" I knew the tone well enough.

"Perhaps you have some time free tomorrow to catch up?"

"I'm sure I can…"

"Here at 10:30?"

"I… yes. I'll see you then. Good night."

X

Shun was putting Kuriko to bed. I silently took the phone out to the balcony, crouching in the corner, leaning my head against the railing, looking out into the night sky.

"Hello?" _Just…_ the purr of her voice…

"Haruka…'

"…Michiru."

"I… wanted to thank you for looking after her today."

"She's no trouble… Perhaps to your mother. We met today."

"I feared as much."

"Well, y'know… I'm not everyone's cup of tea. Don't worry about it."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I guess the tabloids precede me. She knew who I was."

"I don't think it's the tabloids that concern her…"

"No? We were only a bit messy…?"

"Oh, I'm afraid she may have some concern that I am carrying _your_ child…" I sighed. There was laughter on the line. Finally I managed to crack a smile. "I'm glad you're so amused!"

"Aw, c'mon, for all the things I _do_ do to get into trouble, now I'm in trouble for a crime I can't possibly commit!?"

"Impregnation, hmm…" I laughed too. "Oh… imagine where _that_ would leave us…"

"Who knows… I could learn how to deal with diapers, I guess."

"And assembling strollers?"

"Wheels? No sweat."

"And painting the nursery?"

"'Course."

"And indulging all my cravings…?"

"…You know I can't help but indulge you."

"…"

"…"

"This is _so_ hard…"

"What's that?"

"Doing the right thing."

"Ha… the right thing always is."

"I suppose…"

"Good night, Michiru."

"Good night… Haruka."

I slumped back and watched the red flickering lights of planes escape into the black of night. I vaguely noticed Shun catch the sight of me, hesitate in his tracks, look down at the phone and pad away again.

X

My mother had put in every effort to arrange the crockery, cutlery and what I assumed were baby magazines, in an inviting manner. I knew better than that. I sat neatly, making my best attempt to hide my unease.

"Thank you for inviting me."

"Of course, Darling. You know I love hearing about what's going on in your life." She was slightly stiff.

"Well I… I haven't been in for any check-ups so…"

"_Your_ life."

"The coast was lovely." I sipped, suddenly disliking the heat of the tea.

"I'm sure."

"Hardly a soul in sight."

"Wasn't that a romantic gesture?"

"Yes." I sighed. "Yes, there was a lovely helicopter, lovely accommodation, lovely weather, lovely views… I assume there's something else you want to ask?"

"There's no need for that kind of tone, Dear."

"I'm sorry." I sighed again.

She pushed forth a magazine from the bottom of the stack. One of those tabloids carefully folded to the correct page. '_P.B.T. takes on the world_.' I was distracted a moment by the images of her alongside… and kissing that red-headed woman… Takiko? I read the small amount of print numbly. Apparently Shun had sold his part in the team. Apparently a company that had got them into the international circuit had bought them. Apparently she would be overseas for… a while… I looked up.

"I wondered whether you might be interested in this?"

"Yes… thank you. That is… all news to me. I can't _believe_ Shun would…"

"What?"

"I would've thought he'd tell me about such a decision…"

"Why? It's only business, isn't it?"

"…yes, Mother." I shook my head. She clearly wasn't concerned about '_my life_.' "Business… I'm afraid I can't stay long today, I'm not feeling very…"

"_Michiru_, how much are you prepared to lose?"

"Don't… Just don't ask me questions when you can't hear the answers."

"Look at this man. This man you're letting your daughter visit at will. This man who clearly picks up with _any_ woman…"

"Look, she's not like that!" I regretted my slip instantly. I had to look away.

"…What?"

"Nothing."

"She?"

"I didn't mean…"

"You aren't…?"

"I… please d-don't tell anyone. Please _promise_ you won't."

"And _why_ would I want to do that?"

"I don't know. I'm sorry. This isn't a problem. There's no problem anymore."

"I didn't think so. I didn't think so."


	12. Chapter 12

M

X

The morning was cool and fresh, a transparent moon still lingered, imperceptible as a scallop shell falling through the waves. I realized I was missing the silence of our brief time away._ Honestly_. Scallop shell? It wasn't as though it had been free of tension, or injected with the stormy sensuality of my previous escape… But time, real _time_ and not passing instants, free from the distractions of everyday. I craved it now.

X

Provided an endless stretch of beach ahead, the day was overcast, the ocean a dirty gray-green, straining and hissing. Our conversation had yet again reached a dissatisfying stalemate. I walked on ahead, supposing he was shuffling stones with his shoe tip, wincing into the uncertain landscape… I didn't look back and check. The wind about my head growled urgently and I forged on, the land, sea and sky, all gray and seamless washing into each other. I couldn't make out an end point. No buildings, no mountains. It seemed too overwhelming, it all so vast, and I so small. I was moved by an intense ache for someone beside me to… I turned to see Shun was walking back in the opposite direction. The ocean roared. I found a spot on black rocks where the ocean sprayed erratically and waited there. Just an arm around my shoulders, I thought, I needed little more… Neither He nor She could provide that. I hugged my stomach. It wasn't enough.

X

"Papa, what's this one about?" Kuriko ignored her breakfast in favor of another article on '_The P.B.T turnover'_. "The King's in the news lots."

"The…?" Shun swallowed. "Mr. Tenoh's working with a new company. He's going overseas for a while."

"What?" Kuriko directed the question at me, voice flat. I looked down. Shun intercepted the question.

"It means he can try out racing in different countries. It's good news."

"Why didn't he tell me?"

"Sorry?"

"I want to see him before he goes!"

"Honey, he has plenty of grown-up stuff to do I'm sure he's…"

"No he doesn't! He never has too much grown-up stuff! He _always_ has time for me! _Mama_?"

"It isn't nice to shout at your father." I said quietly. It didn't seem to impress her.

"Mama? Will you take me to his house again?" I winced.

"_No!_" Shun breathed heavily, he never raised his voice around our daughter. I looked up to see his eyes latch onto mine wildly. He was all so perfectly buttoned, tucked, gelled, clean-shaven, _prepared_ for the office… handsome, I suppose. And I managed to damage it so carelessly, one slip to crack open and reveal his look of utter betrayal.

"But, I want to say good-bye." Kuriko blurted. "He's my friend…!" I looked pleadingly to Shun. We could both hear the wavering of tears in her voice. It wasn't fair that she be caught in the middle of this.

"Okay, okay," Shun stroked her head apologetically. "_I'll_ take you, though. Your Mama needs to get some work done."

"Cool!" She jumped from her chair, instantly appeased, then turned back. "Aren't you saying goodbye?" She looked at me eagerly, obliviously. I blinked back the stinging at my eyes.

"No, Sweetheart. Your Papa will take you."

After they left I slumped in the most inappropriate way for a breakfast table, carefully resting the side of my head against the cool surface. Wondered whether this baby would be on my side. I picked up the scattered sheets of the newspaper, neatly folded and teared out the blurred image of her face. It wasn't the best quality in circulation, but it had her in the light, that defiant tilt of her head… it seemed to capture her inherent impossibility.

X

"Ms. Kaioh, love your work."

"That's kind of you to say so." It was, quite honestly, the first encouraging phrase I'd had in a while. Pity it came from a phone line.

"And I hear congratulations are in order. Your agent informed me you wouldn't be able to fly the last leg of the tour."

"Doctors orders. To be honest I hadn't planned on having maternity leave cut into the trip."

"Well, one journey relinquished for another."

"I suppose so."

"Now, I wanted to ask an unusual favor, actually. I hope you won't take this the wrong way…"

"Oh, try me while you have me in a good mood."

"I will. We wondered whether you'd be interested in being part of the music video for the latest track. The director fell quite in love with traditional Japanese architecture. All we need now is a graceful Japanese musician to play the paramour… to wonder around looking wistful and forlorn and…"

"Heavily pregnant?"

"We were hoping to make the picture a little sooner, actually."

"Oh? How soon?"

"If you're interested my assistant will book your ticket to Kyoto for Thursday."

"_Thursday_?"

"The scenery is truly phenomenal this time of year."

"Of course. I… certainly. Tell your assistant to go ahead."

"Really. Hey, that's fantastic! It's just amazing how plans just fall into place…"

"Isn't it?"

"Ms. Kaioh, you're a godsend. I'll be in contact with the details."

"Thank you. Good bye."

X

H

X

There was a knock at the door. I silently prayed it wasn't the team, knowing full well that didn't leave many other possibilities. Courier?

"King!"

"Hey, hey!" I dropped to my knee, allowing the run up to end with her arms wrapped around my neck. "How's my favorite Princess?" I looked up hesitantly. "A-and her father…?" I stood, his daughter in my arms. He didn't look angry. Good start.

"I didn't wish you luck with your new tournament." He said, measuring every word.

"No, I…"

"You never said you were going!" Kuriko's plaintive look stole my attention.

"I'm sorry, Kiddo."

"You're just going to go?" She sniffed. I couldn't have felt guiltier. "Don't you wanna be friends anymore?"

"Of course I do. _Hey_, c'mon. You're gonna forget all about me in a two weeks flat."

"Will not."

"Will so."

"Will not _infinity_." Tears streamed down her cheeks. I held her tighter a moment, completely lacking a worthy response. Shun averted his gaze

"So you'll watch my races on TV?"

"Yeah."

"Then how about I write to you."

"Yeah…From every country?"

"_Every_ country."

"Promise."

"I promise."

"Do you use big words?"

"Like magnanimous?"

"Yeah like… that."

"Not usually. I'm sure your Papa will help you with my bad handwriting…?" He looked up a moment and nodded.

"'Course. Now I think it's time we left Mr. Tenoh to finish his packing."

"But I wanna _stay_…" Shun looked pained.

"C'mon now, be good for your Dad." I whispered to her bowed head.

"Kay…" I put her down slowly. "And _you_ be good also."

"I'll try."

"Tenoh." Shun shook my hand briefly. I inhaled.

"Mr. Abe. I appreciate the start you gave our team." It was the last chance. "Look after… your family."

"I always do."

"…Of course."

The phone rang. The president nodded, ushered his daughter away, and closed the door.

"Hey…" I felt voiceless.

"_Kiss me and smile for me, Tell me that you'll wait for me, Hold me like you'll never let me go…"_

"Taki…"

"'_Cos I'm LEAVING on a JET PLANE, don't know when I'll be back again, Oh Babe, I hate to go_…"

"What's up?"

"Here I am assaulting you with that song from your agent and all I get is '_what's up?_'" She dropped her voice to mimic mine.

"Mm. Are you packed?"

"Pretty much. You sound kinda flat."

"Huh."

"Not much of a talker, Tenoh?"

"Not always."

"Got in touch with your inner teenager, I guess?"

"I'm not really in the mood, Taki."

"Yeah, I can tell… Gonna elaborate?"

"I don't really want to."

"How do you get away with presenting as such a shallow persona?"

"Good to highlight the best attributes, I guess."

"And who do you go to when you've swallowed enough that you can't bottle it up anymore?"

"I don't need a counselor."

"That wasn't what I was suggesting."

"Good luck with your packing."

"Good luck with your unpacking, Haruka."

"Whatever."

"Don't think I've given up."

X

X

I was not in the mood for Kyoto. Not the _gorgeous_ scenery. Not the throngs of tourists. Not my team in their optimum state of excitement. As far as they were concerned this was an all-expenses-paid holiday. I wasn't sure what the cost I had incurred was… just business. Just business.

"Oh, ooh, that's Nijo, isn't it? Will we visit – I've never been. World heritage site, it says…" Hideo, for all the respect I provided him, lapsed quickly into a stereotypical aged-Japanese-tourist. Sun hat. Back pack. Camera.

"Should be plenty of time." Taki had linked arms with both Kenji and Machu. Tora was silently lagging behind, carrying the bulk of the luggage.

"I'll check my guide for the bus times…"

"Now, boys…?" Taki began following a series of affirmative grunts. "What are we going to do about Mr. Tenoh here?"

"Giving you trouble?" Machu, made a show of cracking his knuckles.

"Oh, no, not me. There's some woman, I understand…?"

"Oh. _Her_." Kenji nodded.

"What seems to be the problem, now?"

"Just leave it alone, Taki." I sighed.

"Was I talking to you?"

"You said '_boys_'…"

"_Mm_ Hmm."

"Gods. You know what? I'll see you guys when you make it to the hotel."

X

"Mr. Tenoh, love your work!"

"Glad to here it." Idiot. Granted I was in a bad mood, but the new investor had the demeanor of a particularly excitable beagle. Nodding his head, shaking my hand, as though stopping would risk an instantaneous loss of interest on my part.

"I hope you've checked in and are settled nicely? My P.A. looked into this accommodation and said it would be a good relaxing spot. And there's a gym. I think you can book it. And the hot springs – nice towels. Are you relaxed?"

"Uh…"

"I understand they're doing the photo shoot at a park downtown. Had to close off the area for the afternoon. You don't mind photos too much do you? They shouldn't take too long. You're very… photogenic…"

"Ri-ight."

"…"

"We'll see you down there I guess?"

"Yes, yes of course – enjoy your stay!"

X

"Oi!"

"I like your room better…" Taki sauntered in fingering fixtures and linen as she did so."

"Yeah, well, I'm busy."

"Changing?"

"Uh huh."

"I don't mind…"

"I _do_."

"Modesty? Seems a little late in the game…"

"Game's over. What do you want?"

"Hmm… and there I was about to confess my love…"

"_What_?"

"I'm kidding. Christ. You think I'm _that_ sad?"

"Never can tell."

"I just thought an on-the-road-arrangement might be, rather… mutually beneficial?"

"Sex on tap?"

"If you like."

"Sounds a little long-term for me…"

"It isn't dated."

"Leave me to get changed and I'll think about it."

"Let me book the private hot spring and I'll leave."

"…fine."

"Under your name. And I'll meet you in there."

"Just… don't let the guys hear about it. I don't think your arrangement would impress them much. More importantly I'd never hear the end of it."

"Oooh… _secret lovers_…"

"Get out."

"You know you're sexy when you're angry."

"Yeah, yeah, just give me some space before I get any… sexier."

X

M

X

Kyoto was lovely. Walking towards the shoot location through the imperial gardens I felt some of myself return. Great trees buffering the sounds of traffic, the few people I encountered gardening quietly, or painting by the riverside. I could have begun a composition just then, encouraged by the otherworldliness we managed to hide away into our cities.

The staff were all equally lovely. The two girls in the fitting room fussed over me like a bride. Carefully displaying selections of lacquered hair combs, hand painted accessories, and perfectly detailed jewelry, I sensed that there was some instruction to 'woo the violinist who made it on short notice.' Oh, but it was a glorious kimono. I held my breath to feel the cool silk pressed against me and quietly enjoyed the shy admiration of the crew when I finally emerged.

It was quite a simple series of shots, really. The practice of acknowledging cameras was part and parcel of training as a performer, but due to the slow moving nature of the clip, it was very much 'walk across the terrace', 'look to the left', 'slightly up.' I almost had it in me to laugh at their impressed response to my 'acting abilities'. "Every inch the forlorn lover," "Perfectly inconsolable, how do you manage?" I wasn't sure.

Returning in full dress, walking slowly in the evening I realized it was time to start "managing." The new team. Her new team… were suited up, poised for their pictures. Flood lighting shone over the shell of the vehicle, the faces of her crewmembers. And she, in perfect white and silver (the new team colors), every inch the hero, proudly clasping the helmet, entirely by accident… dropped her expression when she saw me. I stood still, clasping my hands together, a strange contradiction in the traditional attire of _a good woman_.

She snapped back to attention at the upbeat chant of the cameraperson. A little man in a business suit grabbed and shook her shoulder encouragingly. Bound for distant, exotic lands, burdened with all the promise in the world… their dazzling champion looked crestfallen.

I moved along and didn't turn back, considered the little sound of my footfalls one in front of the other. One in front of the other. It was time for me to start managing. We would only destroy each other.


	13. Chapter 13

"You're the girl, aren't you?" I was pulled away from looking blankly at the newspaper.

"Sorry? Oh, Ms…? Takiko?"

"Taki will be fine."

"I…" I was taken aback; she seemed to be sitting at my table. "May I get you… some coffee?"

"Waitress will arrange it." She nodded, watching me sternly. "It's Mrs. Abe, isn't it?"

"Oh… Michiru, Kaioh Michiru."

"Uh huh… and you're the girl…"

"The girl?"

"_The_ girl."

"I'm afraid… I don't know what you're…" neither of us believed it, but it seemed like the appropriate thing to do. Early morning, mediocre coffee shop, and no preparation whatsoever.

"The mystery woman Haruka's strung out on."

"Oh? Did she say…? How is sh- _He_?" I put my hand to my forehead. "He." I said, anxious enthusiasm dissipated. "How is Mr. Tenoh going ahead under the new team management?" It just sounded so false.

"I saw her watching you last night." Takiko, it seemed, had no time for my 'appropriateness.'

"…I didn't mean to be there. I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?"

"Yes."

"Your husband did us a favor, you know. This is a fantastic opportunity we have."

"I'm…" I couldn't look at her. "…glad. I wish you every…"

"What?" Her disbelieving tone grated my resolve.

"I wish…" My tongue was thick. "I don't know."

"You don't look too well."

"No…" I smiled humorlessly. "Mild morning sickness. It should be okay today."

"You're pregnant?"

"I am, yes."

"_Seriously_?"

"Several weeks seriously."

"Christ… _You're_ the girl…"

"Don't ask me to confirm that. It really… really doesn't matter anymore. It can't. I know that."

"Huh… Experiment over, eh?" She smirked, shaking her head. "You rich chicks are the worst."

"If you say so." I wasn't sure why I didn't simply leave. She was a last connection… and I think, honestly, I felt I deserved it. What had I been thinking to let things get so far?

"Chew us up and spit us out…"

"It was never my intention."

"_Right,_ your intention was to start on the bun in the oven."

"It wasn't planned, actually."

"No?"

"Nothing was… ever meant to happen. It just did. If I'd known how much it… how hard it would be I… Oh, I can't say that… It would probably have happened exactly as it had…"

"No regrets?"

"I don't know how to answer that."

"Try me."

"Fine. Yes, it was a terrible way to hurt people. It was risky… and foolish… and selfish. Yes… and if I could erase the way I feel today, the way I'll continue to feel… it would be wonderful. But I would rather have known her." There was a heavy silence. Her fiery retorts miraculously doused. I looked up.

"I'm sorry, Ms Kaioh." She forced a smile, nodding. "You weren't what I had expected."

"No… and I understand you sitting here and judging me, but don't tell me you don't know exactly how it is. With Her. Without rationality. Without promise. And so… _completely_… without an easy way out." I pushed back my seat, sighing. "Good luck to you."

X

H

X

_Dear Princess,_

_In Melbourne I walked along the Yarra River this evening. The buildings are not so tall or densely packed as central Tokyo, but the city lights melting into the water is something more beautiful than I have known. Many of the restaurants were opened out onto the pathway, the dishes were large and the conversation spilt out like unleashed thunder. There was even a jazz band playing, all wearing pinstriped suits and flattened, white hats. I felt so quiet by comparison. I wonder whether you would've danced with me? I hope you are being good for your parents and getting ready to be a big sister. _

_The King._

"Responding to fan mail, eh?" Hideo returned to our booth at the hotel bar and looked eagerly at the back of the postcard.

"Don't as a rule, no."

"Just a special one?"

"Not a fan."

"A girl."

"Correct. A girl."

"Son, stealing the first race of the season really should pick up your spirits for a little longer."

"I'm not your son." I raised a warning eyebrow. "But thanks for the drink."

"Thank the sponsorship."

X

M

X

The first trimester saw my life go on with a kind of stunted normality. At work and at home I was treated with the greatest care. My mother visited frequently with catalogues, handbooks and color swatches for the nursery. Initially I took an irrational degree of offense at her stubbornness. But there seemed an endless well of advice and story-telling that came along with the prenatal experience and after a while I found myself smiling to drown in it. Shun's mother was also in attendance more frequently, reserved and polite, but never a minute late for one of our outings. On top of the early education toy stores, endless suppliers of tiny furniture and relevant bookstores we visited stockists of fashionable maternity wear, based strongly on my mother's research. "I know how you keep up with the trends, Dear." Even Shun's mother surprised us into laughter with charming stories of her son as an infant.

"He was always very careful, you know, a very good boy."

"It doesn't surprise me."

"But boys can't help but break out, really."

"Oh?"

"I had a relatively large engagement with clients of my husband. We had the dining area, all low tables you see, set for… perhaps seventy? Maybe more. I thought Shun was being watched by his father. Unfortunately men can't always be trusted in these instances. I imagine it took him half and hour to take an interest in the wasabi paste… and _carefully_ smear every polished surface."

X

H

X

_Dear Princess,_

_I am writing this sitting on the grass beside a beautiful fountain, maybe half the size of your swimming pool. In Barcelona, in the morning, in __Plaza Catalunya__ the pigeons are like rising clouds. There was a girl who fed them so that she had at least four balanced on her arms. Amazing, huh? She looked about your age…_

"Hey dreamer!" Taki slid down beside me. I tucked away the postcard.

"_Writer_."

"I brought you coffee, I think. Not so good with the language barrier."

I shrugged, took a sip from the paper cup and swallowed harshly. The alcoholic heat igniting a path down my throat.

"_Special_ coffee… I think."

"Ri-ight…" She grinned at my reaction. "Y'know, I did get a bit of a strange look from the coffee guy."

"Whatever, aced the race. No reason not to drink in the morning."

"Whoa… easy going? That doesn't sound like you?"

"Eh? Enjoy it while it lasts." I pushed my sunglasses down over my eyes, stretching out on the grass.

"Easy for some I suppose." She sighed. "Was that one of the car girls leaving your room this morning?"

"Uh…" Oh Christ.

"What was her name again?"

"You know… what's in a _name_…?"

"Seriously? You're asking '_what's in a name_?'"

"…uh…"

"An _identity _you tactless bastard!"

"Oi… What's with the voice of judgment so early in the morning?"

"Voice of Judgment?"

"You're seriously screwing with my ambience."

"Just forget it Tenoh." She got up and left. Strange sense of humor failure recently…

X

M

X

Shun held my hand, though it seemed more for his benefit than mine. It wasn't the most comfortable procedure, but the gynecologist had come highly recommended and seemed unmoved by my husband's nerves. Clearly a necessary attribute. We watched the smearing white on the black screen explained in terms of my anatomy. So strange. A black void. A little universe inside of me.

"And here… you see that quivering?"

"Which one? That there?" Shun asked anxiously.

"The center of the screen." I soothed, mesmerized by its constancy.

"Well, that's your baby's heart beat."

"Is it really? Is it strong?"

"Quite strong. Mrs. Kaioh, it looks like a perfectly healthy pregnancy. I'll give you two a moment."

"Amazing… Shun looked from my face to my stomach, and back to my face. You're amazing…" Hi kissed my forehead. "You're crying?"

"Oh…" I wiped my eyes briefly. "I just… there's a heartbeat…"

X

"Can I see the pictures?" Kuriko collided with Shun no sooner had one foot made it through the front door. Apparently the images from the scan had been shown around the office that afternoon. It was sweet really.

"Yes, but be careful. Your grandmothers wouldn't forgive me if they got damaged.

"I AM careful." Kuri-chan made a show of gingerly clasping corners… but seemed increasingly unimpressed. "Is this a trick?"

"No… that's your little brother or sister…"

"Looks like Mama's paintings."

"Well…" Shun laughed slightly. "At this stage it may appear a little abstract… The baby's still very little. But right here in the middle… that's where her, or his heart is growing."

"Hmm… Mama you said it was _amazing_!"

"That's right, it was." I smiled from the kitchen.

"Doesn't _look_ like it." She muttered darkly and forfeited the pictures for the cartoon channel.

"Ah, guess we can't all be so taken with the joys of pregnancy." My husband walked up behind me, running his large hands down my sides.

"Shun, I'm cooking." I pushed him away.

"Huh… hormones, I guess." He smiled insipidly, returning to the table to look over the pictures once more.

"I'll talk to Kuri in the morning." I said tightly.

X

I'm not sure whether Shun was prepared to put down 'hormones' as the root cause of the state he found me in, but I can't say I was terribly concerned by that point. I was supposed to be waiting to complete a benign explanation for the 'baby pictures,' it was supposed to be another of those happy confusions, neatly patched up. Just like always. Just like everything was supposed to be. I hadn't expected to find the collection of picture postcards. I hadn't wanted to read them as my suspicions were weighed down by the locations. Melbourne, Kuala Lumpur, Bahrain, Catalunya, Istanbul… I knew the race calendar all too well. Choked, twisted, exhausted by my inability to 'just be okay.'

It was three months since I last saw her face.

I had controlled the sickening sobbing by the time the two of them bounced into the room. As though they had no idea. As though I was going mad.

"Hey! You took those off my desk! That's my and Papa's secret project!"

"Really." I sniffed, red-eyed, staring at Shun's guilty expression. "Really Shun? Secret project?" I handed the pictures back to Kuriko, fearing her response if I stayed in the room and spoke any further.

What use was it? As far as my slowly constraining world was concerned, 'the Tenoh issue' was as distant as she. It was the false thread that stitched together my existence. My mother. My husband. My daughter… needed this lie. For all my attention to keeping up work arrangements, smiling through talk of motherhood, cooking and cleaning and smiling and _smiling_. I had become weaker as I ate less and felt ill more frequently, hoping and praying it could kill the remnants of feeling.

I just couldn't eradicate the pain.

I could see it clearly as a fishhook, dug cruelly into my heart… her tied to the other end. To push it in would be a slow death. To pull it out would take too big a segment of myself. To hold where I stood was to be torn just as relentlessly

X

The race in Monte Carlo was on television mid morning, Kuriko was at school, Shun was at a conference. I hadn't allowed myself to view the races and my heart beat like a mindless fan to see her car. This may seem strange, but I watched without the commentary sounding. There was a kind of poetry that was lost with all the madness of noise and foreign dialogue. I put on an instrumental CD that swelled to fill the room that was so empty of other life. I sat in front of the image of the white and silver car darting across space, somewhere across oceans, where the currency seemed strange, the voices new, the women exotic… she was taking the lead again… risky. I pulled my knees against my chest. Don't… don't push too… it seemed to occur in slow motion. The nose of the contender for first, the shudder, crunch, flip and turn, the rolling chassis that didn't seem stoppable. The music encompassed me as I was left _so_ voiceless. Oh, _please_.

I didn't move until it had finished, until the post race reporting had subsided leaving nothing more vital than 'critical condition'… updates unlikely. Oh, _please._ She was going to kill herself. I felt a chill that wouldn't release. Had she already? There were so many races left, so many places I couldn't visit… I paced the lounge. Wishing for peace, wishing for… The house would soon be filled again. All those people who didn't want to know. I couldn't face them. My face was wet and I couldn't face the outside world. I pushed out onto the balcony, trying to breathe properly… there wasn't enough air in this city. I clasped the rail, watched the oblivious traffic in the oblivious street. My head buzzed unbearably. I stroked the small bump of my stomach.

"I'm so sorry. I don't think I'll know what to do. I haven't… I don't know how you've lasted so long. I'm so hollow. So hollow in every other way. I can't…" I slowly raised a leg over the railing, gasped at the feeling as the other joined it and I was sitting precariously, the pure cold of the wind through my hair, filling my ears while my hands still clutched the metal. "I can't bring you into this world when I can't keep it all together for you. I hope you never have to feel…"

"Is that all it's come to?" I turned, shaken to see Shun at my back. His eyes shone, his voice, _so quiet_, still somehow cut through.

"I thought you were out 'til this evening?" I said weakly, not moving. He stepped outside slowly.

"I came back early. I caught the mid-day news."

"Oh?"

"Yes. I thought you might be upset… I _never_ thought…"

"Neither did I. But I've been spending so much energy trying _not_ to think… it caught up."

"Please, Michiru, please come back inside." He opened his arms shakily. I couldn't do it to him.

"…okay." I leant back to find myself virtually carried back onto the sofa. "I'm sorry." He was so gentle sometimes. I couldn't hurt him.

"It's his, isn't it? The baby?"

"No."

"Just some kind of incredible coincidence?"

"Shun… I need to be alone at the moment."

"Alone?"

"I want… I _need_ to stay on my own for a while."

"And what are you going to do then? I'm finding it difficult to believe you'll survive…"

"I won't survive like this, Shun. I'm not. I'm existing. There's barely enough life in me to look after our baby. I can't keep living here and pretending not to be torn apart. It only makes it worse."


	14. Chapter 14

X

H

X

_Cracked square at the top of my spine, my shoulders burst back. My shirt buttons breaking apart. I dive into the earth and roll and roll into darkness. I find my feet. Running downhill, hurtling, only just keeping from falling. Breathless. Breathless. My chest expands and collapses in a fiery pain. A keening, bleep-bleep-BLEEP, grows more rapid. I know it comes from my chest. The realization spreads through me in a sickening panic. A timer. A ticking bomb. I run with hysterically sprawling limbs. Unstoppable. Unstoppable. There is a woman overhead. Somehow she keeps pace with me, hovering. Ageless, strangely familiar, her skin is a deep tan, her eyes hide information. _

_I don't know where I find the breath to speak, but I do. _

"_Stay back! Stay away! There's something in me, can't you hear it?!"_

"_What are you running from?" I'm not sure that she speaks, or if I imagine it, the voice in my mind is calm and pleasant._

"_Will you run from her?" _

_I hurtle forward._

_A vision of Michiru grows in my mind. She turns slowly, loosening the ties on a gold kimono. _

"_Of course! Her most of all. Can't you hear the count down!?"_

"_What will happen when the count concludes?" The voice holds no panic._

"_I don't know! Something… I'll die, at least!"_

"_That is true. But she isn't afraid. She might be doubly afraid."_

"_She…?!"_

_The kimono in my vision is pulled, dropped from her shoulders and a clarity sets in. There is a pulse. Two. Somehow I can envision them. One from the left of her chest. One from the slight, but distinct swell of her belly._

"_Why are you showing me this?!"_

"_Do you understand?"_

"_It's… it's the beating of their hearts… the timers. Her baby. Is he safe?"_

"_Her middle child. It's a little girl with eyes like her mother and a smile like her big sister."_

"_You don't know what you're talking about. She's sure it's a boy."_

"_She pictured a little blonde boy, a musician. She wasn't wrong, just premature. The girl will be her middle child."_

"_How can you know that?"_

"_I just do. Why are you still running?"_

"_I'm afraid to stop."_

"_You shouldn't run from her. It's only foolish"_

"_Trust me it's not."_

"_Because she has a man with the goodness, with the stability of the Earth?"_

"_Yes."_

"_Because you have a woman with the vitality and the passion of Fire?"_

"_Sure."_

"_Then explain why your eyes looks always to the Sky, but remain the color of the Ocean?" _

"_You don't make any sense!"_

"_Your timers are synchronized."_

"_What!?"_

"_Yours and Hers."_

"_That can't be true. I can't believe you."_

"_Believe me. Believe the child."_

"_You want to remind me that I must die?"_

"_Yes. And to remind you that you must Live."_

X

M

X

The taxi driver looked to me for a moment before averting his gaze. I knew I wasn't a societally sanctioned sight, but didn't mind. Shun helped me put the suitcases in the back. Kuriko had made a brave show of pushing them from the lift to the waiting vehicle. My heart twisted to see a sadness in her eyes that, for once, she couldn't voice.

"It's just for a while, Sweetheart. It's just to help me get a bit better…"

"Okay…" She clung to her father's pant leg, watching the second mother she had known slip into darkness. "Get fat, alright?"

"S-sorry…" It was hard to see through my tears.

"It's good for you when you have a baby, Mama. You're supposed to get fatter, not _skinnier_."

"Quite, right." I ruffled her hair, looking away. "Quite right." I kissed Shun on the cheek. "Look after my little girl." I whispered. He could only nod, clenching his jaw.

The apartment was furnished in the most sterile way. I had had help moving my cases to the door, but now it seemed such a burden to light the room alone, greeted only by cleared surfaces, a spare key, a business card for the land lord propped beside the complimentary ikebana arrangement. A lone orchid, gracefully raising its face to the soft glow from the moonlit window. I followed its gaze, breathing in silence. It was going to be okay. I rested my violin on the armchair, as though a companion.

X

H

X

"He-ey…" Taki pushed into the room gingerly. Her eyes were pink-rimmed, the fire washed from them. "The guys are back at the hotel, I've asked for them to be contacted there."

"'s okay." I felt as though I were speaking underwater somehow. The relevance of 'the guys' emerging slowly through the haze of my minds eye. "How's my car?"

"Your car?" I felt hope swelling at her broadening smile, until it broke. Laughter, perhaps crying? Definitely tears. "Tenoh Haruka…!"

"Mmm?"

"I don't know whether to kill you or kiss you." She whispered, stroking aside my fringe. Smiling slightly, I felt the ache at my cheek.

"Ha… I know I can do at least one of those for myself…"

"Yes…" she bent down, placing her lips against mine, so uncommonly gentle. Closing my eyes, I was reminded of someone else entirely. "You look sleepy. Have the docs given you the basic low down?"

"Mm. Something about crushed ribs, been out a few days. They didn't say how long before I could get back on the circuit…"

"The _circuit_?" she was incredibly teary today. "I thought… we didn't even know… _I _didn't know whether you were going to make it. I don't want you behind a wheel ever again!"

"Car's totaled then?" I had to relent, her look was so pained, more lost than I could remember. "I'm sorry, Taki."

"You're like a child, you know." She sneered despite herself. "Steal my sleep for the best part of a week, and still I'll forgive you instantly for the price of such simple words."

"Huh? You should've slept… I think I'm gonna again… not sure what I'm on. Ask for some, maybe. Gives you the weirdest dreams…" I knew my eyelids were weighing down like lead. The dosage was supposed to lessen…

"It's not so easy so some of us…"

"Mm… which ones…?" I was sinking out of consciousness, but I thought I caught her whisper on my way down.

"The ones… who can't help but love you."

X

The following few days were tense with information that was being held back from me. Initially, the pain medication dulled my sensitivity to the looks passed between my teammates. They seemed far more reserved then usual. Constantly removing caps, appearing with shirts tucked in. Apparently now wasn't the time to discuss anything anxiety inducing, stressful, or _remotely_ interesting. I was becoming quickly irritated by the words I imagined were being denied. Others, new terms, were thrown about freely. Hemothorax. Chest tube. Pleural fluid analysis. Attending. Intern. Oddly enough it was the clash of these worlds that finally got the ball rolling. Taki had arrived with Tora and Machu, the latter bearing a rather-too-pink bouquet.

The translator finished up the doctor's summation just as my guests arrived. From the judgmental twist of the man's lips I was already certain of the physician's dislike for myself. One of the cuter nurses had let it slip that the medical professional in question was something of a racing fan… and the contender from Japan stealing the win on his home soil had not been a popular move.

"He says… ah," My translator looked slightly embarrassed. I didn't care for it. "Wearing bandages, on you… on your… he made a motion across his chest area. "That wasn't a helpful thing for you." The curtain was swished back to reveal my visitors just as Machu hissed.

"I told you it was true! You can't fake that…"

"_Machu_, you can't…" The three stopped guiltily.

"Can't what?" I stared stonily. "Tell me before I give you your _own_ chest-tube." The male contingent appeared to be caught in the headlights. Taki sighed.

"Look, I'll just tell you… But you can't go into respiratory failure or anything…"

"Try me."

"There has been… something in the news. How much do you remember of the crash?"

"I don't, to be honest."

"Well, that's the thing. We weren't allowed onsite either. So it's hard to judge where the video came from…"

"Some idiot's camera phone, who knows."

"Well, in any case it's hard to hold off the press from…"

"Get to the _point_?" I gritted my teeth.

"There's a film of the med team… cutting open your fire suit. They had to check, obviously, your chest injuries and, well, from the clip…"

"Oh Christ…" I closed my eyes.

"You can see your…" Tora began, ending in a cupped mime.

"Breasts." Taki finished raising an eyebrow. The guys blushed furiously. "So, _Tenoh_, any other questions?"

"About ten thousand… but I don't know if I can face the answers…"

"Your agent is dealing with it as best he can, but I think a delayed release is the best you can wish for…"

"And who…?"

"Thus far it's only the team who have had… uh, the viewing pleasure…"

"Oh _Fu_…"

"So do _we_ get some answers at this point?" Machu raised his hand forcefully.

"Uh… what part are you confused about?" I ran a hand through my hair slowly.

"When did you decide on a sex change?"

"A… sex…?" I looked at Taki for assistance.

"I haven't answered anything," she shrugged. "I think you can explain _yourself_."

"Machu, I'm not _changing_ anything…"

"So you were born with breasts?"

"What? No! Born with…?"

"Like a… hermaphrodite…?"

"Intersex!" Tora cut in, seemingly scolding. "It's _rude_ to say hermaphrodite."

"No I'm _not_ a… I'm a woman!"

"…"

"…"

"How can that be _more_ shocking?"

"But all those women…?"

"How could you have…?"

"Are you serious?" They didn't seem to be forthcoming with sensible responses at present. I turned to Taki. "Are you serious? You expect me to relay the finer points of _lesbian sex_ to these two?"

"I'll listen in as well." She smiled slowly.

X

The more senior staff were quieter, dealing with the issue of my gender on a pragmatic level. I suspected any other level would have been rather too… messy. I wasn't fired. There was a good chance we could even take out the trophy. But there were three months of racing I wasn't going to be participating in, recovery and a preparatory fitness regime required that of me. It was still possible to win, it just cut a sizable hunk out of my points lead.

It was just a knock, I kept saying. And it was, really… granted it was the _largest_ knock I had experienced, but the pain was pulling away. The poison mist that had embraced me was ebbing back to an inconvenient ache. I was feeling stronger by the day, but I knew that came with it all I had neatly avoided in unconsciousness. Taki asked to see me alone that evening. I knew I owed her. I knew she had started falling.

"I brought you dessert." She grinned at the hospital issue monstrosity of wobbling green.

"Is that some form of penance?"

"'Course." She placed it down, helped me into a sitting position. "You know how I enjoy seeing you suffer, Tenoh."

"Aw… I thought it brought a tear to your eye…"

"Ha." She looked down shaking her head. "A thousand tears… and more than you're worth."

"Could've told you that for free." I prodded the jello brick with a plastic spoon, observing whether it could remain planted at a ninety-degree angle… it could.

"Listen I've brought in the phone… I'm not going to stay long tonight."

"Eh? You call that a date?"

"You don't want to date me, Tenoh."

"Sure. Why not?"

"Cut it out. It isn't kind to play with people."

"I'm not."

"Haruka," she sighed, holding my cheek, "you don't love me."

"I…" _That_ cut through alright. _Love?_

"Here, I have a number I want you to call." She pressed a folded slip of paper into my hand. I read it obediently, recognizing it instantly despite the international coding. I folded the paper again.

"I'm not calling that number." I said flatly.

"Yes you are."

"Nope." I handed the paper back.

"_Why_?"

"Because… There are only so many times anyone can take their chest being crushed. I can't do it."

"Her husband called, he still has contact with management."

"That's his problem."

"Haruka… she's not doing well. Not eating properly. He was worried. And he's worried about that kid of his…"

"_What_?"

"Just call her. Let her know you're alive."

And I was left with a block of jello, a piece of paper and a handset humming the "ready" tone.

X

M

X

"Hello?"

"Michiru."

"…" My head spun, I staggered back to the armchair.

"Hello?"

"I… just can't believe it's you… I was so sure I had lost you forever…"

"Hey…"

"And I know it was supposed to be forever anyway… but I can't imagine never seeing you again."

"Me neither."

"…Really?" She left a silence on the line.

"It wouldn't make sense, would it?"

"No." I whispered. A warmth, the kind like a homecoming. An answer to dispel all those thoughts that had written me as a madwoman in my own life. "I don't make sense without you."

"So, I wondered whether you'd do me the honor of joining me for dessert?"

"Sounds tempting, though I'm afraid I haven't been grocery shopping."

"Well, then… what are you wearing?"

"That's no way to speak to a lady." A little thrill of excitement traveled down my spine, a long lost smile of flirtation urging at the corners of my lips.

"Ha! I only ask because… then there's no reason you can't go to the corner store. You're on your mobile, after all?"

"I suppose."

"Dress warm."

"I think not, it's been a rather temperate few days locally."

"Ah… Tokyo."

"And how is the weather in that part of the world?" I took my keys and closed the front door behind me.

"Looks great from the window. Honestly, I'd be happier standing in a hurricane than being stuck in this bed any longer."

"I'll bet. Oh, but staying in bed isn't always so bad?"

"Spoken like a woman who hasn't made love in the center of a hurricane."

"Hurricane Tenoh, is it?"

"Eh?" There was a low chuckle. "I should use that one. P.B.T. is wearing thin."

X

"So, which did you decide on? It's an important choice, you know."

"Uh… I turned the container slowly. "Maple Walnut?"

"Very nice…"

"It _is_ actually. And what will you be enjoying this evening?"

"Me? I have weird-mush-block. This evening I shall be enjoying the vision of you, reclining, nude in the moonlight, languidly licking creamy…"

"_Haruka._"

"Mmm?"

"Bed-ridden, thousands of miles and oceans apart. How can you still make me blush?"

"Gifted with words, I guess."

"_Really_?"

"Sure. When it suits me."


	15. Chapter 15

H

H

07hr 00min 00sec

X

"Explain myself?"

"Yes."

"_Explain…Myself?"_

"Yes. There's really no other option at this point. The pictures are going live."

"Isn't this _your_ job? Isn't this _precisely_ where _you_ step in? What the hell kind of agent abdicates at this point!?"

"My job. _Ms_. Tenoh, is to give you the best advice to ensure the progression of your career. Frankly, I have no idea what the expected response is to such a… situation. All I can say is they are looking to hear _your_ answer. Personally."

"Christ."

"Look, if you would prefer that I…"

"No. You're right. You're right."

"You'll be present at the press conference?"

"Yes."

"I'll make the necessary calls."

"Right… Don't you need to know what I'm going to say?"

"Kid… you've made it. Hospital hostage or not, you've stamped your mark on the sport, certainly on the fan following. Whatever you say… well, I think you've earned the right to that decision."

X

M

06hr 30min 05sec

X

A strangely brilliant thing had happened. I was eating tsukemono alongside American style brownies. _For breakfast_. And with not the slightest threat of morning sickness. I was, finally, eating like a pregnant woman. Such intensity of flavor seemed more relevant to the style of food Kuriko requested. Rich sweetness. Piercing bitterness. This baby had strong tastes. I had dreamt about him the last night. It was reassuring that I had been left without the image of Haruka even after her voice had so penetrated my senses. I had dreamt of my little boy.

In my sleep I envisioned him at elementary school age. He was indeed blonde, his hair waved softly, his eyes a calm, opal blue. He didn't speak. We were walking to the school gates and I felt anxiety clutch as his fingers loosened from mine. He looked up serenely, smiling lightly, unafraid, yet without the oblivious excitement of his future classmates. When he took my hand once more, for only the smallest moment, I knew it wasn't for his benefit.

I saw myself standing at the gates, watching the small form wander away scattering pigeons before disappearing into blue cluster of matching larger uniforms. I heard the sound of an engine revving, of a car beeping behind me. It turned out to be the timer on the alarm clock.

X

04hr 15min 49sec

I went to the corner store once again. I had decided to collect Kuriko after school, it was time to face all and any of those questions that must surely be bubbling in her inquisitive mind. I collected items for making a lemon cake. It seemed appropriate to instill some decent kitchen practice given her more recent misadventures in the area… and I found the idea of lemon cake particularly inspiring that morning. Or perhaps the baby did. I called Shun to confirm.

"Abe speaking."

"Good morning."

"…Michiru?"

"Of course. How are you?"

"Shouldn't _I_ be asking that?"

"You may. And I am quite well, thank you. I wanted to collect Kuriko from school today. Bring her back to my apartment to do some baking."

"Your…? Do you really think it's necessary to bring her there?"

"How else can I see her, Shun?"

"Well… when you're better… When you're back at home."

"_Better_?"

"This… depression… or whatever it is."

"That's what you honestly believe?"

"Darling, I'm at work, I don't think it's best we get into this right now."

"Oh… when would be _best_?"

"Don't be sarcastic. I'm thinking of Kuri here. What's she supposed to think, huh?"

"I…"

"That her Mother will so easily abandon her. She'll lose out again because, it doesn't suit you? That marriage is little more than a… a _game_? Not even worth fighting for?"

"Stop."

"That you wouldn't even try for your daughter?"

"Shun. It's enough."

"So you've said."

"Believe me I've been fighting. And searching. And praying for answers. There was nothing easy or game-like for me. Nothing." I sighed. "And I've thought about Kuriko over and over, more than anything or anyone for the past few days. I want her to feel free to make her _own_ decisions, not to be lost, not to be bullied into relationships. If you're asking me what I want for her, it's what I want for me. I only hope it will be with less heartache."

"…Fine."

"She will _always_ be my daughter, Shun."

"Take her after school." He sounded defeated. "She'll be half an hour later because of music practice."

"I know."

"Right."

"You are always going to be the father of this baby too, you know."

"I… can only take your word."

"Believe me."

X

H

01hr 46min 51sec

X

"Hey… rock star." Taki leant against the doorframe smiling slowly. "Ready for your interview? Come up with something witty and charming?"

"There…" I gingerly pushed down my collar. "Is little room in my brain for wit or charm."

"Lucky that's not where you store it then."

"Cute. Seems as though this conversation is heading south."

"Hey, you only have to ask… I can talk dirty with the best of them."

"I know. I was _there_."

"You consider yourself 'the best of them.'"

"Are you saying I'm not?"

"It'd be easier not to… Have you called her today?"

"I will soon."

"Going to brief her on the speech?"

"Huh? No, I just wanted to check she was… Oh… _FFu-"_

"Careful, nurses present."

"I was counting on the language barrier."

"Copious swearing has a certain… universality about it."

"Taki… what am I supposed to do? I can't call her."

"You'd _better_."

"How will it even help? We're live in under three hours."

"Consider it a courtesy call, Tenoh."

"You're right…I hate it when you're right."

"I'm well aware."

"I hate today."

"Some people find confession a relief."

"I hate those people."

"I'll see if they can bring the phone in a little later."

"Not too soon… I need to think of a way to put it…"

"The Truth will set you free."

"As would a running leap from this window."

"If only you could open it."

X

M

01hr 04min 20sec

X

I knew, somehow, that she would call again today. The composure I had gathered inside of me still teetered when the phone rang. But this was important. I had to move on.

"Michiru."

"Hello, Haruka."

"I… I wanted to talk to you."

"More distant wishes and ice-cream?"

"Not… no, not quite."

"I need to speak first." I was thankful for the slight delay on the line, certain it would aid in masking my wavering confidence.

"Sure… okay. Are you alright? Are you still eating? And the baby?"

"Yes. We're all fine. But I need you…" I winced to hear the words.

"Yes?"

"I need you… not to call me anymore, Haruka."

"I… see." There was a sigh. "I only wanted to be sure you were okay…? I thought you were having fun last night."

"It was fun but it's a different kind for you and I. I truthfully never say such things, or feel so free, or laugh so much, and it _is_ fun, but it tears me to pieces. Because you can't feel the same as I do. Or you won't."

"Michiru, I never meant to…"

"I need to go now."

"_Please_..."

"Haruka, I'm going to hang up, and I am going to give you an hour. If you can tell me you love me, pick up the phone. If you can't, then please, _please,_ don't call."

X

H

01hr 00min 00sec

X

I dropped the phone, dropped my face into my hands. I hated today. Right on cue my agent arrived, again uncommonly sober. He kept his hands in his pockets as he approached.

"Abe's wife?"

"You knew?"

"I heard a rumor circulating that you'd been given her number."

"Don't miss much, eh?"

"Well, seems like I _did_."

"How much did you hear?"

"Enough. And I can observe your expression perfectly well. Do you want my advice?"

"…yes."

"If she's important to you at all, you can _not_ keep in contact." He walked over to the window.

"Oh _now_ you're full of opinions?"

"Tenoh, the woman is several months pregnant, with, I _presume_ your _ex_-sponsor's child. When word gets out about your… hidden a-_gender_ the press is going to crawl all over everything you've touched."

"Nasty Midas effect, eh?" I felt cold.

"It's not fair. But it wouldn't be fair on her either. Plenty of women still out there. I thought you were just out for the sport if it, anyway?" He looked over suspiciously.

"Guess you're right." I shrugged. "Appreciate the advice."

I couldn't fake a smile.

X

00hr 00min 15sec

X

I sat by the receiver. I saw the minutes die on the hospital clock. I wondered whether she waited too, some thousand miles away. My hand quaked over the phone, as the second hand pushed dumbly past the twelve.

"Of course I love you." I whispered to the empty air.

X

"Can you respond to the questioning on extent of your injuries?"

"You'll have to ask the doc's for technical terms, but crushed ribs, pierced lungs is the basic run down. Nothing I can't recover from before the season is out. Other questions?"

"Are you still going to win for Japan?"

"Planning on it."

"Tenoh! Hey, Tenoh, reporter for the evening star, how do you respond to the masses of fans who've supported your career, fan's you've essentially deceived?"

"Fans?" I found my apprehension had quickly turned to intense irritation at the press conference. "If they enjoy watching the sport, I hope they continue to do so. This isn't going to keep me from driving."

"But you're a woman. Aren't you?"

"…Yes I am."

"So…?"

"Tell me, at journalism school, are you taught no better terms of inquiry than 'so?'?"

"_Ms_. Tenoh… your pictures have sparked _massive_ controversy, are you not… _ashamed_?"

"There were already women in this sport, in my team, my top mechanic, Muyami Takiko happens to be a woman, and integral to our success I might add. If I should be ashamed of anything it would be perpetuating the stereotype that racing is a man's world."

"What about the women you've been photographed with?"

"I have no comment."

"Do you deny being… _involved_ with these women."

"That's not relevant to racing."

"Care to respond to the hasty change in sponsorship?" A voice rose threateningly. The seeming irrelevance of the question silenced the room.

"That area is out of my hands, to be honest."

"Is that so? How would you describe your relationship to President Abe Shun's wife?"

"I… she was a very charming and welcoming hostess at race functions."

"_Ms_. Tenoh do you deny knowing Ms. Kaioh Michiru on a more… _personal_ level?"

"Trust me, whoever you are, you're barking up the wrong tree. President Shun and his wife are happily married and have a great fami…"

"Why do they no longer live together?"

"_What_?"

"Ms. Kaioh has been seen to return to a separate apartment to her husband… I don't suppose you could shed any light onto why that may be the case?"

"But she's…? Who's looking after…?"

"Thank you, thank you." My agent pulled the microphone from me, gently guiding me out of the view of flashing lenses and video cameras. "That will be all for this session. The team anticipates much success before the year is out…"

The noise became lost to my ears.

X

M

X

"Mama! I didn't know you were fetching me!" I broke into a lost smile to see her familiar skipped step as she emerged from the hall.

"Well, I thought you'd like to see my new apartment, maybe do some baking?"

"A cake?"

"A lemon cake if you like?"

"Okay. Then we can feed it to the baby."

"Oh… well…"

"He's still in there?" She reached up gently to stroke my swollen belly.

"He is. He's still growing."

"So if _you_ eat the cake _then_ the baby eats the cake. That's how it works."

"Oh, I see."

"Don't worry, I asked my teacher lots of questions. I'll explain _everything_."

X

And indeed Kuriko proceeded to explain everything related to childbirth as tactfully put by her long-suffering educator. I found myself blushing furiously by the time we had completed our walk through the park. Not that it was anything particularly graphic or revelatory, only the sheer volume and enthusiasm of her vocalization on 'special hugs,' 'over-raries,' and the reprised role of 'tadpoles,' managed to resound through the entire area of inner Tokyo. Lost in a daze of embarrassment, I hadn't the time to anticipate the small gathering outside the apartment complex.

"Ms. Kaioh, is this where you live?"

"I…" I instinctively took Kuri's hand. "I don't think that's particularly concerning to you. If you questions regarding the C.D. launch, you find the company has…"

"We actually wanted to know your relationship to _this_ woman." My blood froze in its veins. It was a publicity shot of Haruka.

"That's the King!" Kuriko almost sang. "He's sending me postcards from his races."

"Really? And what's your name?" A man kneeled down, dangerously close to Kuriko. My heart pounded in fear.

"Stay _away_ from my daughter!" I dropped to collect her in my arms and half ran into the building.

Behind the closing of the elevator doors my head swam trying to gather the pieces in a tangle of deception. Did they know everything? It seemed they suspected it all…

"It was just some questions?"

"Sweetheart, It's not good to talk to strangers."


	16. Chapter 16

X

H

X

"Were you planning on ever bringing this up?" Machu was red-faced.

In the back meeting room with the closing of the door muting the journalistic fury from beyond I found myself in a human _Colosseum_ of my colleagues, bosses… my crew. Following the utterance of the question, nothing more than silence.

My crew, my friends looked to me as though I'd never been introduced. That managed to dig into me beyond the any confusion.

"What did you want to know? What do you care?"

"Never mind the rest of the crap you've led us to believe, you were _banging_ the sponsor's wife?!"

"What crap? You don't think you _believe_ what you want to believe?! How is this any of your concern? _Huh_? How are _you_ any different to the scum out there trying to extract some scandal to spice their sad little lives?"

"Screw you! This is _our_ team, _our_ sponsorship, _our _goddam careers! You never even gave us a second thought did ya? Just wanted to play whatever your sick sexual game…"

"Enough!" Hideo cut in. "What we _mean_ to say," a chilling, warning look was sent in Machu's direction. "_Haruka_, we have always been here for you. As a team, as a family. You couldn't take that for what it was perhaps. Maybe it wasn't apparent enough. I'm not sure… but it saddens me that you would keep these things from us. That you felt you had to."

"I'm a racer." I choked out, completely taken aback. "It's _not_ my job to be your brother, son, sister or daughter. I do the best with what I know. Taking out the title with everything I have, with my _life_, I don't know what more you think I have left to give."

I turned, pushed through and away.

"Where are you going?"

"Away."

"Are you kidding?!"

"I plan to complete my physical rehabilitation in Tokyo."

"Do you now?"

"You know, you could get off my back!" I twisted to face this unasked for "family". Fear and fury mixed and surged sickeningly. "I'm not dropping out. I'm not letting you, _any_ of you down. I'm _going_ and I'm fixing your great investment!" I slammed a palm against my collarbone. Pain reverberated. Silence welled before me, I turned again.

"…Haruka." Taki uttered softly.

"I need to see her." I barely managed. "I don't need you to understand, just let see her…"

X

M

X

I had phoned to arrange for Shun to collect Kuri, not wanting to encourage any more interrogation from surrounding media. I waited out until night crept over the city, flitting back and forth checking from my apartment window with the listlessness of the paranoid. Kuriko had picked up on the air of fear, and being failed in any suitable explanation had become quickly grizzly.

"How do they know the King?"

"I…" There was a knock at the door. "Shun, thank God." I fell into his arms. The feeling of warmth, strength, momentary support. Arms surrounded me gently.

"Well hello… Michiru?" He looked down warmly. I was jolted, stepped back. It wasn't what I meant.

"_I said_ how do they know the King?" Kuri demanded, largely ignoring her father's entrance.

"They're journalists, honey."

"So they want to put her in the news?" My heart sank.

"What…?" I had to sit down, my head spun.

"They _wa_-ant to put _He_-er in the _New_-ews."

"Kuri?" Shun moved over ruffling her hair. "Why would you call… _'the King'_… a Her?"

"Cos she's a girl…_duh_." Kuri looked unimpressed. Shun looked back to me a shock enveloping his form.

"What…"

"She's just playing pretend being a boy. I knew from when we went to that dance at the art show." Kuri remained exasperated. "The King picked me up to see properly. It's tight from something under her shirt, but she's soft there. She doesn't smell like Dad. She's not a real boy."

"Not…a real…Michiru?"

"I…" I swallowed, gaze fixed on the outside view. "I have a feeling…I think it's going to come out in the press. They were here, at the apartment." I looked back to my husband. "I need you to take Kuri, it's more secure at the estate."

"And you."

"I'll take care of myself. I'll be fine."

"But… shouldn't we talk?" An unintelligible grin was spreading across his face. "I mean, so this means the _baby_…"

"_Shun_. I shot a pointed look at our daughter. "This is hardly the time."

"But when?" He shook his head laughing. "I mean, what is this? Why not come home with us? You're my _wife_."

"Just what is it that seems so funny exactly?"

"This," He swung his arm around the apartment, "this whole situation. All the misunderstanding. It's a joke. It's ridiculous!"

"I'm not laughing." I felt suddenly tired. Where was my call? Tears welled. "None of this is a joke. It's very serious to me, I don't need to be made to feel crazy."

X

H

X

After storming back to the hotel suite, it became apparent that I needed help. My agent. Managing details of flights back and also keeping under the radar while the press hadn't quite caught up was where he excelled. Everything was streamlined to move me out of the headlights, into my apartment.

X

3 am local time.

The taxi ride was silent aside from a tinkling of classical music and the swish of traffic in the rain. I was on home soil, home being one of the most alienating cities of the world, I thought bitterly. A further stipulation of my 'condition' was that driving was out of the question. Numerous calls to Michiru's number concluded that she had no intention of answering her phone. Where I might have been otherwise deterred, it was more important that she know the harshness of the potential media spotlight that would threaten her. Threaten Kuriko. I cursed under my breath. My driver remained oblivious.

I looked to my phone, clasped tightly. It remained hopelessly mute. I dialed.

"No press attacks?" Came his instant reply.

"No press. You do your job very well." It was at such times that I truly appreciated my agent's objectiveness. "I've another favor to ask..."

"Thought you might, it's apartment 850 in the Ueno Atmos Building, a new development close to the harbor?" I was barely surprised by his preemptive abilities any more.

"Thank you."

"Of course. I've made some calls regarding local physios. You're booked in, the details will be faxed through tomorrow morning."

"You're a saint."

"…I…" He wasn't expecting that one."…make sure you see those doctors."

"Gotcha. Bye."

"Good luck."

"Change of plan," I spoke up to catch the driver's attention, "We're heading to Ueno."

X

M

X

The storm was wretched, gusting and howling unpredictably. Surely enough to keep the hyenas at bay, or so I had thought. Apparently not. Once every phone had been silenced, I was startled by the buzzing of my apartment number. I drew the curtains defensively. Willed it to stop. Couldn't find sleep for all the stars in the sky. I stroked my stomach apologetically.

"So much stress before we can even meet," I imagined the steady, trusting beat inside of me, "I am so sorry, my darling."

X

X

It had to be done. An anxious night and over-tiredness had inflamed determination in me. I would not be a prisoner in my own life. Taking a long, sultry shower, I massaged the ache from my head in gentle circlets, breathing in the steam of wild lavender and aloe. Always feeling for change, the affects of a new life, I ran my hands down my body following the path of glossy streams. We would be okay together.

Stepping out from the lobby doors, I couldn't have been prepared for the sight that met me. Crouched and sodden against the stairs, recent injury still written into every small movement, a broken, _broken_ woman.

"Haruka…?!"

"…'morning." A husky whisper.

"How long have you been here?"

"I… needed to tell you before they came…"

"Can you stand?"

"yep…" A staggered response contradicted the certainty of her affirmation. I leapt to wrap around the hunched figure. She kept her right arm clasped tightly around her ribs.

"We're going up." I said levelly.

"I'm okay," She swallowed, "Really, I just needed to…"

"_Liar._" How terribly she melted all resolve. "How am I supposed to handle you?"

"'_With care'_ would be great."

X

"This is the new place huh?" She raised a cocky eyebrow. "You were here when I called you?"

"I was here." I helped her to the couch.

"This was the furniture upon which you reclined in the nude?"

"Should you be out of hospital?"

"Definitely." She winced slightly sitting forward. "It's nice to see you."

I sat across from her dropping my chin to my palm. "You were out in that storm?"

"You weren't taking my calls."

"I wasn't taking _anyone's_ calls. The press are all over us."

"…Us?"

"You and I." I let the sound roll around my thoughts.

"_Damnit!_" She looked away, desperate. "I didn't think they'd be so fast, after my press conference I tried to tell you…"

"You waited in the rain to speak to me incase _I _was endangered by this information?!"

"And Kuri."

"Haruka, you're clearly suffering from severe chest injuries, what do you imagine catching pneumonia is going to do to you?"

"It won't _endanger_ me."

"…"

"I'm _not_ going to catch pneumonia."

"Oh _really_." I dropped my hands, exasperated looking out to the clearing sky. "My ex-lover waits for me, taking up the position of a homeless person, huddling in pouring rain…"

"Yeah well, don't tell your Mom… She'd probably be quite disappointed." That devilish grin.

"What am I going to do with you?"

"Ah…whatever you like… I'm rather incapacitated at present."

My child wants to laugh. I want to cry. We do both.

"You never called."

"I was warned against it. I didn't realize they had already latched onto our history, I don't even know how…"

"What's happened?"

"Uh… I guess… I've been out-ed."

"_Out-ed_?"

"Someone filmed the medics coming in after the crash. Some rather fine footage has been circulated of my bandages being cut. The whole boy-racer image has been slightly… destroyed."

"Thank God."

"What?"

"You're getting out of that death trap."

"Only temporarily."

"What further sign do you need?"

"Not looking for signs. Looking towards a big shiny trophy."

"The mentality of a boy doesn't seem to have suffered any damage."

"Cool."

"Indeed."

"Michiru, I'm so sorry you're involved in this." She was suddenly serious. "I told them you were happily married, that nothing…"

"Well I'm not." I looked at her soberly. "I'm _not_ happily married… and I'm _not_ regretful of anything that led to me moving out… Not even you."

"I think…we should be able to squash any rumors."

"_Gay_ rumors?"

"Ah… well not for me. But for you… I'd say so."

"What can I say," I sighed, "I'm not terribly concerned."

"Seriously?"

"It's hardly a rumor, now is it Gorgeous?" I smiled flirtatiously.

"…Uh…?"

"Coffee?"


	17. Chapter 17

H

X

I was caught up on details of the pregnancy, the move, introduced to the extravagant harbor view from the window.

"I'm disappointed, Ms Kaioh."

"Oh, is that right?"

"I expected something …bigger."

"Really?" She looked up dangerously from the rim of her cup. "Do forgive the meager nature of my runaway dwellings."

"Ah," I sighed in false disappointment, "I suppose I could handle it."

"You don't have to."

"Really? You're going to go solo painting the room for your new daughter?"

"I haven't even picked out colors. It's a son actually"

"Pregnant woman up a ladder?"

"Crippled woman in a storm?"

"Hmm. It's a daughter. I was told in a dream."

"Well, much as I'm sure you're in-tune with your maternal instinct, I dreamt of my son - "

"He is quiet and has blonde hair…"

"What? How could you…?"

"_And_ he has two older sisters."

"Who told you this?"

"The premonition fairy."

"Is that right?"

"Want to know what else she said?"

"Not sure that I do really…"

"That you and me…" I took a sip for effect, grinning at her earnest attention. "We're not over. It's not our thing."

It didn't appear to go down that well, a cold tiredness passed over her features. With the slim cool finger I knew so well she rubbed the right side of her face, leaving it to rest in her palm and giving me an expression usually reserved for Kuri-chan.

"Haruka, you're lovely," there was a blankness in her smile, a numbed calm, "But I need to take care of my _son_, and my daughter." She closed her eyes for a moment; they were watering as they reopened. "I can't do that when I not looking after myself. I can't chase your shadow, can't hope forever for an absent woman who's still living out the dream of a little boy. You can't be what I need – "

"I know." That stony tone was infectious. Gravity with its rope, chains and foul unfairness resurfaced gleefully. "But I can be your friend." I wasn't sure of the words as I spoke them.

"You're right," I shared that blank smile of hers, "I wouldn't trust me to take care of kids,"

"I _didn't_ mean that…"

"It's okay, really."

It wasn't it hurt like hell.

"But, you know I _do_…"I couldn't breathe, like a damn teenager. "I…" I couldn't do it, wouldn't be fair. "If you would let me, I could help out, y'know, with painting and stuff." She looked devastated.

"That would be nice." A buzzer on her phone rang.

"Oh! Oh I almost forgot, I've my second scan."

"Wow, you're good at this pregnancy, level 2 already!"

"Smart-ass."

"Got that right." I pushed my self forward, something of the warmth had defrosted the pain of my injuries. Not good. "I'll head off, grab a cab…" All I caught was her hand on my shoulder. Warning… but still…

"You're not going back out in that."

"I'm _fine_."

"_Looking_ fine isn't going to keep you alive."

"I hear it's a thriving industry, actually."

"Not funny."

"Perhaps a back-up career path?"

"Kindly escort me to my vehicle."

"Escort…?"

"Haruka!"

X

I wasn't fond of hospitals, nor this international conspiracy to keep me out of the drivers seat. Apparently it was _not_ more dangerous to be behind the wheel while pregnant. Kaioh Michiru was lovely, talented, charming but slo-ow to accelerate! The morning was seeping timidly through the aftermath of the storm. A few branches, lost washing, some litter were yet to be retrieved. All in all it looked like a beautiful day might eventuate. How was I supposed to deal with that? Stick to the shadows until the photographers, the medics, the world in general had taken the pieces it wanted of me?

"Mrs. Kaioh, welcome!" The receptionist brightened as soon as we entered. "The Doctor will be with you -"

"Mrs Kaioh!" Turned out the Doctor was waiting already to pounce. "A pleasure! Please come through, both of you."

"I think I might just…" I looked longingly at the waiting area.

"Nonsense!" Interjected the Doctor. "In any event, it seems you might need some attention yourself." He laughed condescendingly. Damn Quack.

"_That_ area of my person is in full functioning order, thanks."

"So I hear, Ms. Tenoh, but please, do come though, I'm not fond of those media sharks in my waiting room."

Bastard. He had me. I followed in a silent steam of embarrassment. Christ, had anyone come forward? Where were these bloody papers?

After refusing tea and coffee, we entered a room where we were joined by a waxy plant, a pale green bed and some kind of obscene baby-discovery-robot. The Doctor, Watanabe, sat us down in leather chairs smiling in a style to match his infuriating chuckle. His gestures were practiced for calming, speech-making, and reminding minions of their position.

"How are you since our last visit, Mrs. Kaioh?"

"Seems you know a little more than I've divulged personally, Doctor?" She raised an eyebrow.

"Only the tabloids. Our receptionist thrives on them." He shook his head, that smile never waning. "It is important, as I'm sure you're aware, to take care of your stress levels. I trust, your – eh – Ms. Tenoh, you will be sure to assist?"

"Look I didn't mean for any of this…!" Gods, I was endangering this kid!

"Now, now, that's not what I mean. We all have our scandals from time to time – "

"_You'd_ better not with _her_ in your care." I cut him off.

"Haruka, _please_," Michiru was tensing, "Dr. Watanabe is a leading physician. One I selected personally."

"Thank you yes, and no, that wasn't what I was referring to." He adopted a plaintive look, oh so patient. "A back-rub, running a bath, the small things you understand?"

"What? No. Listen guy, I'm not…"

"And sex, of course." Only his genial laughter filled the hideous silence. "We all know that's a wonderful relaxant!"

I got up to leave.

"I'm sorry, Ms. Tenoh, I'm not here to make you uncomfortable." He gestured back to my chair. "Please understand, you aren't the first same-sex couple I've had looking to conceive."

Michiru looked up, urgency in her expression. My ribs ached.

X

M

X

The jelly was cold where met my stomach. I was terrified. My son, that little life had assured me, he was there. Still, all this intrusion of medicine, would it prove us wrong? Moving in slow circles the scanner enlivened the monitor. I let out a shocked laugh. Relief. There he was. _There_ he was…!

"Wow…" Oh Haruka, she was as much a little boy as ever. Her eyes widened, lips just parted, spreading to a grin.

"Yes, _wow_." I swallowed, looking back to the monitor.

"Looks like you have been doing just fine, Mrs. Kaioh," Dr. Watanabe encouraged, "very well indeed."

"Thank you, Oh," Her hand brushed my face, it was warm with tears, "Isn't he lovely?"

"Well, Mrs. Kaioh I'd say, on appearance, that this was a daughter, but –" I shot him a look. I was _not_ in need of one more _non_-pregnant person to give their opinion on the matter.

"Told you." She didn't even deserve a look.

"But appearances are always tricky." Conceded my physician, "The proof's in the pudding!"

"_Yare, yare_," Haruka again, "Unkind of you to refer to my same-sex-life-long-partner-in-conception as a 'pudding'."

Idiots. We made it to the end of the scan with thankfully few lame jokes and fewer threats of any near-atomic argument. There was only a short wait before it was possible for an appointment to be wrangled to check out Haruka's injury. I hated it, really. I hated the little flinches, the disguising of pain. What might a night out in that weather have done. She'd coughed before, only a little, but still…

"You're amazing." She smiled, she'd been fixed on the printouts all through our wait, and I think she meant it. "Both of you."

"You want to make an issue of the sex of my child, don't you?"

"I won't, I won't. My job is only to alleviate your stress."

"But…?" That was far too easy.

"But." She nodded. "If I am right, if myself, the good Doctor, a-and the premonition fairy-"

"_Really_? The Premonition Fairy?"

"Nice lady. Long, dark hair, olive skin, crazy short skirt." She continued, shouldn't surprise me that her visitations would carry such a persona. "If it turns out we are _all _correct – you'll let me take you out?"

"Out…? A date you mean?"

"Mmm. Like in public."

"…Haruka…please, I don't want to play games with you. Not like that. Not anymore."

"I know I'll win." She shrugged.

"You know what? Maybe, maybe you will, but you're asking me to gamble with more than I have to offer."

"One night?"

She really had no clue.

"One night? _One night_? Do you know what it was like watching a screen? An indifferent monitor? All those logos, those sponsors cluttering up the view and _You_. Your car, your logos, your body beneath it all. Smoke clouds, press releases… long distance phones lines…?"

I seemed to have attracted some attention. I bunched my fists, closed my eyes, took a moment to slow my breathing and continued more quietly.

"You don't understand. You keep your injuries out here," I touched her chest, "You have a team, medics, crew, whoever else. You have the systems to repair all this. You will heal, you will bounce right back on track, won't you?"

"I will."

"I don't have that. I hurt me. I can't take more."

"Ms Tenoh? Exam room three is ready for you."

X

Her grin had slipped again. I hadn't meant to say it all, but that callous bargain? It would be just as fine, one outcome or the other? I don't know why she couldn't just find some other… but I couldn't stand to think of that either. So good, so terrible to see her. The doctor, a quiet and respectful woman ushered us through.

"Do you need some help removing your shirt? Miss?" I was being looked to. Haruka couldn't meet my gaze. Ashamed. It was apparent that the pain of moving her arm burnt more fiercely than I had recognized. I approached the bedside; crouched before her, spoke quietly as I might to Kuri when she'd recovered from a tantrum.

"Do you mind?" I touched her collar.

"thanks." A mumble, still not looking up.

Slowly, careful not to pull or release too jarringly, I unbuttoned from her collar, past her breasts, her stomach, to open he shirt completely. It flooded my thoughts with nights past. She had on the same cologne. The heat of breath, the slickness…that dissipated as I saw the vest beneath. It appeared to have caught some of the red-brown blood that had leached through from bandages and gauze. It turned my stomach. Her beautiful body. That unfeeling, god-awful machinery had pierced it. Thrown and torn her like a broken doll.

The vest was harder to remove. Dried blood caught at it painfully in places.

"It's fine," she said, "It's fine," and she winced.

She was so thin, I wanted to cry. It was terrible, that build-up of intense training, she didn't look to have eaten anything in days. Her torso was left to little but sinewy muscle and bone.

"Hospital food isn't my favorite." She must have noticed my attention.

"Okay, I'm going to bring this up over you head."

"Thank you Miss…?"

"Kaioh Michiru."

"Thank you Miss Kaioh. It's so important at this time for Miss Tenoh to have a caregiver, much nicer having a friend than being assigned an agency nurse."

"Oh?"

"You're living together?" The doctor had taken out her stethoscope and begun listening to Haruka's breathing.

"No, sorry, I think you misunderstand. We're really only friends."

"Of course, I see, you'd like some assistance in sourcing home help?" She now addressed Haruka.

"I'm fine, thanks." She inhaled and exhaled obediently.

"Only I must insist that you do have someone available. I'm surprised that you were discharged, it's important that you keep a watchful eye."

The examination was completed. Apparently nothing critical at present. I did mention the night in the storm, as Haruka seemed less than forthcoming with details. The Doctor, quite as I had suspected, was not so keen on a repeat performance. Second opinions had their place.

"I don't want any heroics, please." She looked sternly to Haruka, who had become virtually mute. "If you have any trouble breathing."

"I'll call you, promise."

"Perhaps Miss Kaioh can attest. Is that something she says often?"

"Mmm." I shook my head. "_I'll_ be sure to call you, I think."

"Michiru, this is between the lovely Doctor, and myself," the patient in question started off cockily. Neither 'the lovely Doctor' nor myself were impressed.

"Thank you Miss Kaioh. Miss Tenoh, please, take care of yourself."

X

H

X

Doctors! Who needed that kind of treatment as an adult? Seriously. And now I was back in the passenger seat. Michiru had kept a stony silence since our exit. The sun was streaming through now, the noise of a fully woken city reverberating through the air. What to do today? Gym was out. Docs were done. Public visibility impossible…

We pulled into the car park below my apartment complex. Unnecessary. Michiru bowed gallantly as she opened the passenger door. As gallantly as a pregnant woman could, anyway. Funny.

"Thanks for the lift, really you don't need to worry."

"Oh, I'm not. I'm coming up with you."

"You don't say?" I raised a brow.

"We're going to pack up some of your clothes and we are returning to the car and I am driving us back to my apartment."

"Eh?"

"I don't trust you." She said stiffly, walking to the elevator doors.

"Probably not best practice to spend so much time alone with me then."

There was a short, old guy who's eyes almost bugged-out to see us joining him in the lift..

"'xsss - excuse me?" He spoke with equal measures of sounds and saliva.

Michiru looked down pleasantly, smiling politely. I feigned a hearing impediment.

"Are you, are you from the papers? Are you the famous new ones from the racing?"

"I don't read the papers." I said.

"Oh, oh I see," but he didn't seem put off, "I think it's a great, a great achievement. Think of it!" He laughed slightly. "A wo- a woman winning a racing title! Brilliant."

"She's very talented." Michiru nodded genially.

"Ye-yes. And you too, it says. You live here?"

Thankfully the door binged open on his floor. He forgot his question, bowed his head and left quitely. Excellent. My heart was moving faster, everything seemed to be closing in. Goddam papers!

"So, as I was saying, it might be for the best, for now." Michiru said quietly. "You'll come back with me."


	18. Chapter 18

M

X

It was now six days since Haruka had moved in to lie on my couch. It had been really the only viable set up. Her cracked ribs required her to sleep in a half sitting position. It had caught me off guard at times, the appearance of wakefulness in her slumber. She hated it all, frequently muttering about over-protection, inaction and a universal lack of understanding. What she didn't say was how much pain it caused, but I knew. The stiffness, the flinching. Sometimes breathing itself appeared agonizing. But she was making progress. Everyday I had returned from work it seemed a little easier. Easier for her anyway.

I had finished at the studio for the day and pulled out onto the road when a scatter of newspaper blowing up into the windscreen startled me. Sudden things like this, especially when I was driving now evoked a quiver of panic. Pregnant women behind wheels… Shun might never forgive me. I calmed my breathing reminding myself that it was nothing. Nothing at all.

I recalled the time that Kuri found a stunned sparrow outside her bedroom window. The clatter from the pane had initially terrified her. We'd gone to investigate and found the little thing, saw its bravely beating heart, and put it in a shoebox.

"Somewhere warm and dark, he'll like it." I explained.

"Was that why he was trying to break into my room?" Kuri asked suspiciously.

"Maybe he wanted to come and tell you something. Maybe he's a special messenger."

"Okay, okay, we'll save him." She looked around the room. "So in the microwave?"

"Perhaps not, Darling."

In the end we'd found a spare drawer in the conservatory. The streaming sun kept the area at a steady warmth. I'd silently prayed that this brush with nature would not leave my daughter staring at a tiny, rigid corpse. Or at least that she might loose interest before such an event transpired. She did not. While I'd spent some of the morning with groceries, confirming a few arrangements for another cocktail gathering, Kuriko stayed seated in the conservatory. Her legs kicked out and swung. Her head looked over to the drawer and she sung in that strangely aimless way that children do, to the words and tune of their own imagining.

"When do you come out? It's warm to play outside. Come out to the garden and I will give you cake…" the song continued in a similar vein.

I had to leave her to it for a while. Frequent cocktail nights and gala events were both a pleasure and a burden that came with my marriage to Shun. When Kuri came through to the kitchen it was with the force of a tornado.

"Mama, mama! I looked through the hole, he looked back at me!"

"That's wonderful, Kuri, we can let him fly home to his family."

"What if he doesn't have one?"

"I think he does."

"But we don't know. I said I'd give him cake. I think he wants to stay in his box."

"Oh really?"

"Ya. That was his message."

I gathered the little liar in my arms who shrieked with laughter before returning to an earnest expression.

"He's my friend." She said. "He wants his box."

"Darling, he will get scared in a box. He likes going out to play like you."

"But I don't play in the whole sky!"

"No you don't." I kissed her on the head. "You don't right now, but when you get big you might want to play all over the place. You might jump in planes and fly far away from me."

"Nah, I'll stay."

"We'll see. But we need to let your friend go."

"You can't I love him!" She began kicking.

"I won't, we'll go together, come."

And we went hand in hand to the little shoebox. The sparrow cheeped inside as he heard our footsteps. Kuriko was sniffing a little but no longer arguing. In truth I think she was still a bit frightened by the bird's presence and wanted her box back.

Taking the box to the middle of the garden and lifting its lid off, Kuriko stood back and watched the flicker of wings steal her friend away into the whole sky. She didn't complain anymore that day, but neither did she return to her usual inquisitiveness. I wondered whether my prayers were really for the best. It wasn't often that a small child could find a smaller creature to look after. I found myself feeling irrationally angry with this sparrow because he couldn't live up to the fantasy of friendship. He could've observed her need for his need, and maybe stayed on a while…?

My recollection ceased with the pulling of the handbrake. I was in the parking lot beneath my apartment. I then realised I could not remember the journey from work at all. Baby-brain was kicking in it seemed. And it was late. I went up the lift, along the corridor, into my new home and, following the usual greetings, straight into a confusing conversation with my present houseguest.

"If you don't have a full cover, you can use plastic plugs." said Haruka.

"...I see." I said.

"It's a good idea, probably for a bottom cupboard to be filled with tupperware, more robust pots, stuff like that."

"That may be a while off." I said.

"Sure, but when are you going to get around to it?"

She ran a hand through her hair. Her fringe was dampened with sweat.

"Otherwise," she continued, "I've gone through and put safety catches on the doors."

"The doors?"

"The doors, yes."

"Which doors, Haruka?"

"_All_ the doors."

"You really believe my son will be so inquisitive?"

"Your daughter? Not sure, you can't be too careful."

My apartment, once so lovely and clean and adult, was now strewn with tools. An apocalypse of opened baby-proofing kits littered the kitchen and lounge. Apparently some had not met with the testing standards. These standards had been imposed, in my absence, by my dear, recently acquired flat-mate and my daughter whose scheduled visit I had completely and guiltily forgotten.

Rehearsal. Re-edits. Re-arrangements. There was just so much left to wrap up at work before maternity leave.

They'd been baby-proofing since at least 4:00, and I had arrived home at 9:00. Apparently Shun had dropped off Kuri to the sound of who he expected was myself in the shower. A small blessing. I had been avoiding his calls. That smarmy smirk of his. That laughing off of my affair. Having had my present housemate discovered would certainly be catastrophic. Instantly misunderstood. It was out of necessity, our living arrangement. Out of necessity, I kept telling myself. But then, it had to be. This was no walk in the park. As much as I felt myself swell with the comfort, with the thrill of her presence, I knew it couldn't last. We couldn't touch. I couldn't let myself...

And I ached for her. I truly did. There was a most keenly painful aspect to see her smile. I wondered whether I was alone in this, whether that chill she sometimes had, whether she missed something, wanted something more, something _real_ from me?

"If the baby, Mama?" Kuri, snatched at my skirts for attention, "If the baby want's to go outside-"

"Yes?" I said.

"It can't."

"I see."

"If the baby wants to go in the fridge?"

"Uh huh?"

"It can't."

She waved her hands excitedly.

"Right." I said.

"If the baby wants to go the bathroom."

"I'm going to guess _it can't_?" I asked.

"Ya, It can." Kuri's cheeks were puffing out with barely contained glee. "It has a diaper, doesn't it?"

"It-"

I was cut off by their burst of laughter. Kuri in a hysterical giggle, Haruka in her low laugh. She was bent slightly, clutching at her ribs, which probably were suffering. Good.

"I supposed you've been practicing that one?"

"Only most of the afternoon." Said my fellow adult.

"Cute." I said.

"'s okay, Mama, s' just a joke."

"Yeah, just a joke." Haruka repeated.

I bent down and picked up my slightly scruffy daughter. Haruka ruffled her hair.

"Kuri came up with it." She said. "Wasn't even me."

"Of course she did." I said. "And have you jokers eaten dinner?" I felt that guilt returning.

"Uh huh, Kuri made it."

"Really?"

The kitchen, aside from the debri of a plastic nature, was notably free from the general chaos of food that usually exemplified my daughter's culinary endeavours.

"It's easy," explained my daughter, "you call the guy on the phone. You get the King to give him the money. You eat it out the box."

"How talented you are!"

"We got you some too. I asked for all the pregnancy ingredients." Kuriko said, bursting with the pride.

"Oh?"

"Mm," Haruka said, "It's in the fridge, but you might want to try a re-order…I wasn't listening in at that point of the conversation. It smelt really interesting. Frankly I'm afraid to look inside the box."

The food was tactfully forfeited. Neither my unborn child nor myself were enthralled by its description. It took a little wrestling with a poorly planned bedtime routine, but the day had taken its toll on all of us. Kuri, once bathed and pyjama-ed, was satisfied with half a story before she drifted to sleep. Obviously, given the joyous reunion, it _had_ to be a 'King Special'. I walked to the doorway and caught the start of the tale in her low-spoken words:

"There once was a Prince who would not be King…"

Haruka was now steady or stubborn enough to take care of her own dressing and bathing. I left for my darkened bedroom and wondered if it were like the box that the sparrow had. And I wondered how long it would be before Haruka would fly.

X

H

X

Inside of me I imagine a lantern, papered, webbed with thin strips of wood. The pain there now is a volatile flame. A gust, the smallest shift of my body whips the fire. It threatens to take and to burn and destroy. Burn itself out in me. I am uncertain. Does this harm? Will this heal? It has such a tiresome eternity. My memory of easy physicality leaches quickly under the strain. Perhaps this is what it's like to be old? The taxing of life ebbing away? I am living for gold right now. For a golden cup. It is cold and solid and will outlast me.

X

M

X

Inside of me I imagine a lantern. Its sides ripple and give. There is heat inside. There is heat outside. And there is an unwoken joy, a little punch line, my tiny acrobat. He hasn't learnt yet how to smile or to fear darkness. He is tucked up with me. He is dreaming himself into existence. I have had his potential in me for all of this time, the dream I hold and will not remember. You are my sunshine.


	19. Chapter 19

X

H

X

A piercing shriek. A sharp jab to my left side. And pain, like a terrible phoenix, woken and ripping out from beneath the point of impact. My vision was blurred, my breath a series of sucked in gasps, and my arms were heavy and slow to defend.

"Gooooood Morniiiing!" Kuriko's face came into view.

I couldn't yet respond in words. I was forcing my breath through gritted teeth. I tried to grin. I willed my need for air to lessen, to stop the hideous pressure of lungs against ribs. The pain. The dizziness.

In and out. In and out.

"Why are ya crying?"

Kuriko wriggled down beside me on the couch, again nudging my side with her knee.

I cried out.

Kuriko stopped squirming. I held my breath. I wished, in part, for unconsciousness to take the wheel. Kuri looked at me distrustfully. I then allowed quick, shallow breaths, feeling more and more lightheaded.

Michiru's approaching footfalls sounded. I closed my eyes. Savior.

"Kuri-chan -" Michiru's legs, I observed, were fantastically bare as they flashed through the opening in her robe.

"Morning, mama."

Another wriggle. I winced.

"King's still sleepy. He might like cartoons."

"Oh...!" Michiru bent down, holding her arms out to her daughter. "Sweetheart, be careful, the King's not feeling very well. You can't jump up, it'll hurt him."

"He picked me up before!"

"Ssh, ssh, I know, please be gentle, come now." Michiru spoke and carefully lifted my tormentor to a safe distance.

"Are you okay?" She whispered, her eyes apologetic.

I was biting down, breathing through my nose. I nodded and forced a smile.

"I'll get the painkillers." She carried herself and her daughter over to the corridor, through to the bathroom.

"Cartooooons...!" Kuriko sung out.

In and out, my mantra continued, in and out.

Michiru was quick to return with a glass of water and a palm of blessed pills. _Oh, please._ Kuriko had been instructed to wait at her side.

"Hold on," she said, "Don't try and sit up, I have my hand here, okay?"

I felt warm pressure behind my neck.

She touched my lips, instructing them to part and my jaw to unclench. She placed the pills, bitter and absorbent on my tongue. She reached for the water, tilted the glass as she tilted my head and I sipped and washed down the sublime cocktail. _Oh yes._

The morning silence was broken into with my pathetic, gasping breath. I was being watched. Kuriko pouting with a hand on her shoulder, Michiru with her same sorry, worried look. The light was dim in the lounge with the blinds still drawn. I suspected it'd still be dim regardless. Who knew how damn early "cartoons" were supposed to screen.

"Thank you." I murmured eventually. Then, looking to Kuriko, "'S okay, Princess, I just have... I'm bad at getting up."

"The King was in an accident." Michiru's stern gaze didn't leave me. "Really, you don't have to thank anyone."

I pushed myself up to sit properly. Pain rippled down my body. But with confidence… mainly gained by the drugs I imagined the ripples becoming smaller, the calm spaces ever expanding.

"But I must thank you," I said, "I have never seen such exquisite pajamas, Mrs. Kaioh."

X

M

X

It wasn't my preferred way of spending the weekend, but it had to be done. I needed to speak with Shun. Though the idea had presented itself, I couldn't ask Kuriko to keep my housemate a secret, nor could I let her blurt it out and ignite an outrage. I'd arranged to meet at a coffee shop with relatively private booths. Phrases like 'neutral territory', 'respectful distance' and 'adult discussion' came to mind. Even with this mixture of reassurances, I felt slightly ill as I awaited his arrival. I was pretty sure it wasn't morning sickness this time.

"Lovely to see you." Shun had that self-assured smile. "You're looking very good, the baby must be..."

"He's fine, Shun, you're fully up to date on that front."

"Wonderful. You have other news?" He was being obnoxiously good-natured.

As though he'd won a bet that I'd never taken.

"I... think we need to talk," I began, "not that it's really of concern to you but -"

"Is this about Tenoh, perhaps?"

"Well-"

"Tenoh Haruka, scandal of the racing world? Lucky I dropped that sponsorship, eh? That could've blow up in more ways than one..."

"_Shun_ - "

"A shock for you too though, probably?" He laughed, shaking his head, "These crazy times our son is almost brought into."

"Are you going to let me speak?"

"Of course, of course," he smiled, more mildly now.

It seemed the teasing had burnt itself out.

"Haruka is..."

I was given a strange look. Over familiarity.

"Part of the rehabilitation," I continued, "requires that she have assistance on hand. She's in so much pain, it isn't safe-"

"What are you saying?"

"She is - _temporarily_ - living with me." I swallowed.

The sunshine of his imagined victory was immediately eclipsed. Shun had a face like thunder.

When he spoke again his voice was low. His words fell out deliberately.

"Are you mad?" He paused, "Have you actually lost your mind completely?"

The air hung heavily between us. I sighed.

"Again, not that it's any of your business-"

"What? What do you suppose the papers are going to make of this?"

"They can make what they like."

"They're calling you... have you been reading at all?"

"Bits and pieces." I shrugged. "They haven't been hanging around the apartment so-"

"Michiru, you're my wife, you can't... I won't let them rip your credibility to shreds...!"

"They can't do that. My agent will handle any false claims."

"Like "_lesbian lovers emerge from the flames_"?"

"That's rather florid."

"_Florid_!"

"I can't deny." I shook my head. "I'm not ashamed of what happened. Third-rate journalists are certainly not going to change my mind."

"I want her out of that apartment."

"Don't be ridiculous. You can't control who visits me."

"I can control who is around _my_ daughter. And son for that matter."

Red anger washed over me. A blinding, boiling sense of injustice pushed me up, out of my seat.

"Don't you dare. Don't you _ever_ threaten me with my children."

I picked up both coat and handbag.

"They won't be influenced by a lying, scheming... deviant!"

"Don't be _absurd_."

"Keep that woman away from my kids."

"Good-bye Shun."

Once in the car and alone again, I realized I was shaking. It was a nightmare come true.

_My __babies, my babies_…

The hours I now spent with Kuriko were already too stunted. I missed the sounds of her. The running feet, the constant questions and bizarre observations. I missed her morning routine and evening protestations. Her darling face. _Oh,_ there hadn't been a day I that didn't consider returning to the estate. Well, not until Haruka, but I loved Shun, would always love him. I found his expressions on my daughter's face. The pieces of wonder I found in my daughter, they came from _him_. I just couldn't feel, it was just not as much as…

My hands on the wheel trembled. Any rage-inspired resolve was fleeting as a castle of sand. I turned on the vehicle. I pulled jerkily into the traffic and was honked at from behind. A man in a blue van gave a gesture of exasperation, said something indecipherable and certainly colorful. He would never understand. My heart hammered. The sun burnt cruelly. The air smelt metallic. The world had become a more menacing place.

Back at my apartment, I came in and saw "_that woman_" sitting, cross legged on the carpet, listening to my daughter describe the ailments of several toys who now bore toilet-paper bandages. Unnoticed in Kuriko's doorway, I stood and watched them and felt hot tears run down my cheeks. It was like a dream that my presence would destroy. I was caught in the inconsolable fury of the helpless. My son felt it too. He somersaulted. Little thing. What indeed was he coming in to?

"Mama!"

Kuriko, with her uncanny ability to sense need, ran up and wrapped her arms around my legs. I bent down and held her tightly. I smelt her hair, and felt her small fingers and sobbed into her neck.

In time I felt another, a larger calmer hand rest upon my shoulder. The sensation still stirred me.

"Come now," said Haruka, guiding me to a standing position "We'll run you a bath, doctor's order's huh?"

"I'm just..." I felt choked, "I'm not up to all of this, he wants to-"

"Hey, hey," She brushed her knuckles against my cheek.

Her touch was so terribly gentle.

"Let's talk about that in a while. You've got to take some time out. It's a _weekend_."

"I used to be fine."

"You didn't _used to be_ pregnant." She gave a cute smile. "Give yourself a break, huh?"

X

H

X

While Michiru bathed and rested and floated back to her usual composure, the day slunk off and night stretched through the windows. Kuriko was subdued. She was quiet in that way that children sometimes get when the heaviness of the adult world becomes concrete. She ate a bit, washed, and listened to a few pages of a story before claiming tiredness. I knew she was lying. But even kids need privacy in thought now and then. I certainly had at her age. More so as time progressed. At any rate, I wasn't sure what to tell her about her Mom and Dad. Or how her sister was a brother. Funny.

Michiru came out into the lounge where the dining table was left illuminated by a candle. I was sure scented candles came into the realm of new agey-relaxy-pregnancy accoutrements. Her skin looked blue in the evening, then rosy in the light.

"Made you dinner." I said.

"With your own two hands?" She smiled weakly.

"Gotta use them for something."

"It's lovely, thank you," She sat down and looked blankly at the plate. "Won't you join me?"

I walked up behind her, put my hands on either side of her neck and pushed with slow pressure at the tension there. I tried to ignore the scent of her. I tried to feel platonic and selfless.

"Mmm." she sighed and dropped her arms.

I felt the vibration of her voice at the back of her neck.

I worked my hands down the tender muscles along her spine where hardness and forgotten aches were roused. She squirmed and inhaled and then relaxed back against me.

"'S' good..." She murmured.

I felt weak.

I massaged a while longer and tried to think of racing tracks and strategies. Of points accrued and trainings missed. I tried to think of anything but the skin that was smooth and warm beneath the sliding material of her shirt…

"You want to tell me what's up?" I asked finally.

"Mmm, thank you," she rolled her neck around, "Will you sit?"

I moved to the seat before her, feeling drunk on candlelight. Or perhaps it was the painkillers. Her eyes, now a dark sapphire, were impossibly tired. From the opposite side of the table, I watched her search for words.

"I don't think it'll be an issue, Shun will calm down." she said.

"He knows I'm here?"

"I had to tell him, Kuri would've otherwise."

"Hmm. She's a terrible liar." I nodded.

"Aren't we all?"

"I'm not sure." I said, "Does omitting count?"

"Omission is the worst." she smiled. "But maybe necessary at times."

"You don't say…so what does your husband want?"

"Oh, only to keep his children away from... I think 'deviants' was his terminology."

_Not Good._

"Would he...? Michiru, I don't want to wreck what you've got going here, I can disappear, I can even get a - sitter - or whatever to sort out the drugs..."

"You'd just run off again?"

"That's not what I mean."

"What about Kuri? You'd '_get out of here' _as assistance to her? And my son? My son who has been hearing your voice and sensing your presence, will you disappear to benefit him."

"They don't..." I began.

"_Huh_?"

She was mad. Pregnant mad.

"Michiru, they don't need me, maybe they don't even need Shun, but they definitely they need _you_." I shook my head. "There's no way I could forgive myself if they were taken away from..."

"Right," she said, "and what happens when I meet the next deviant?"

My heart sunk.

"...Sorry?"

"Do you suppose I should roll over to his temper tantrum, send her away?"

"Is there someone you've…?"

A chill spread over my body.

"I mean," I tried a valiant smile, "of course not. Of course you shouldn't. You should have whatever friends... or... _girl_friends..."

"So you can understand?"

"I..." I felt my heart racing. "I don't know how to think of it."

"What do you mean?"

I had to look away from her, somewhere into the blue shadow of night. A coldness, a deep, freezing sensation crept all over me. It was like a dream breaking. It was like my heart breaking.

"I don't know how to be your friend." I said.

"Haruka-"

"You can accuse Shun of going crazy but..."

But I could understand that madness. I looked at her and all forms of insanity were conceivable. I wanted to stay here. I wanted to surround her. I wanted the family she believed in and I wanted to be the one to remind her when her belief was lost…

"Maybe now isn't the time to take a stand." I said.

"I won't let him take my children away."

"I'm sure that's not what he wants."

Useless words. What did I know of his wants?

"You know," she said, "When I first met you, this strangest feeling came over me. This familiarity.

Candlelight danced in her eyes.

"There was attraction, sure but, a kind of a sense of allegiance. This feeling like you just knew… me." she said. "I thought you might help…"

"Help? Not sure it's my forte."

A pause.

"You baby-proofed my house." She said.

"I was killing time."

"You take care of my daughter."

"Juvenile mindset – no big thing."

"_Must _you be so flippant?"

"…yes."

What else was left to me?

"But when you do..." I had to look at her. "When you find someone _right_ for you. Someone... responsible enough and exciting enough and all of those things that..."

I shrugged. I hated the idea. Simply hated it.

"I want… I'm sure _we all_ want what's best for you. All three of you."

The candle flickered slightly. Beyond it darkness wrapped all in mystery. I turned to look at the window where a pregnant woman and a hospital escapee were reflected in gold.


	20. Chapter 20

X

M

X

"We should go out." I said.

It had been weeks of working, rehabilitating, healing and preparing. Haruka was back on track with physiotherapy and extended gym workouts. I was slowly but surely moving through the to do list preceding my due date. Furthermore, the amount of "baby-proofing" that my apartment had sustained was unreal. Every corner curved, every door latched, every socket… socked. Perhaps it was a way of distracting ourselves from ourselves. So far we'd avoided any further deep conversation. Mobiles were hung. A motif had been painted – lilac stars on minted green – well, _that_ had been after some intense discussion.

Haruka was ridiculously adamant that my son was in fact a daughter and would not accede to paint a single line in eggshell blue. Blue is for boys, she'd said, in an outrageously hypocritical speech that ended with her listing off potential mental illness that might result via the discoloration of a childhood bedroom.

Depression,

_Manic_ Depression,

Schizophrenia

and ultimately Psychopathy.

I tried to remind her who was supposed to be pregnant and unreasonable. This only led her to agree that yes, I was being pregnantly unreasonable, and that she would happily purchase the required litres of "_Winter's Dew Green_" and "_Wisteria - Light_". I'm sorry to say we left the hardware store assistant in need of a stiff drink.

A condition of Haruka returning to driving was on the understanding that I was both pregnant and mortal and as such required the speed limit to be adhered to. On this point she assented. And perhaps given the renewed novelty of the privilege, I was taxied to every manufacturer of tiny furnishings in the Tokyo area. There were beautifully carved and painted cribs and toy boxes. There were towers of diapers and tins of formula. Small sets of shoes had me recalling Kuriko's infancy. Given the stalemate situation over my son's gender clothes shopping was problematic. But there had to be something left to endure with the grandmothers-to-be.

Whenever my mother and mother-in-law came to visit, Haruka managed to vanish. Perhaps a sixth sense. I hadn't raised the issue of our cohabitation with them, but considered too that Shun had said nothing. Perhaps it wasn't relevant to our parents. Perhaps it was simply a conversation that would raise questions I had no answers for. Why now? What next?

Who knew.

Shun had been moody but non-threatening in the times I had seen him since the blow up at the café. He wasn't out to cause unnecessary stress and I appreciated it. He'd even managed a terse "hello" when Haruka had exited upon his arrival with Kuriko one evening.

He'd waited for her to disappear into the lift with a gym bag before asking: "Getting back together to finish the season?"

"We're not back together," I said, quite unnecessarily.

He _looked_ at me.

"Oh… You mean the rehabilitation. Yes."

"She'll be on her way soon."

"Yes." I sighed. "You've no need to set the lawyers on her."

"Quite. Should at least wait for some prize money before –"

"_Shun_."

"A joke. I'm joking. We've more important things to focus on."

He glanced down at my belly.

"Have you thought of names?" He asked.

I'd invited him in then. We chatted quite pleasantly, considered titles of strength or joy or sweetness. From Aiko – love child, and Akiyo – a bright man to Yoshio - a righteous man, and Yousuke – of an ocean meditation. I liked the last, the image of a gentle dreamer and I liked it for its whispered sound. Yousuke. I murmured to my stomach, but my son was impassive. Perhaps not. Shun's expression had mixed joy and despair. And pride, I thought. It was strange, I wanted to embrace him, to allay his unhappiness, but it would only be taken the wrong way. And perhaps the want for support was more for myself than him. I kept my hands in my lap.

But that was last week.

Back in the present, Haruka looked dubiously in my direction.

"We should go out tonight." I repeated, "No cribs or toys or tiny clothes. Somewhere for adults only."

"Eh? Like a club? Where do you think we'll be free from the cameras?"

"Actually… I hoped you might know."

"Ha!" She said. "You're after a gay bar aren't you?"

"Why not?"

"Well, there's not guarantee on the tiny clothes… or lack of toys for that matter. I didn't think it'd be your scene?"

"You think I'm too pregnant?"

"Yes."

"It's not like we'd have to drink."

"I _can't_ drink. In training. Being a machine."

"I'm not too pregnant."

"What if someone walks into you, or you fall or…"

"Haruka, we're in Tokyo, that could happen anywhere at any time."

"You're actually serious."

"I'm serious. Take me out. Take me dancing with the deviants before you have to disappear forever."

X

H

X

The night crackled. I was charged up on a decent gym session and total universal gratitude. My body was ready to hit the road. My trainers were happy. My tests were turning up gold; there'd even been some well meaning, if stunted, conversations with the guys. I think they'd almost written me off as deserted. Morons. Murmurs of my comeback, fuelled largely by my oh-so-charming agent had them all gearing up for a surprise win. It wasn't far now. The running motor, a lightning quick gear shift, we'd be off!

I sat in the lounge waiting for Michiru to finish getting organized. She was way faster when Kuri-chan was visiting. Typically, via the whirlwind of parental necessity, we were in a constant state of readiness for evacuation to the school, the park, the store… Kuri found distraction otherwise. Usually something quick to act out and slow to clean up.

"If you want a bit longer," I called, "I could make another nail polish painting?"

"Not funny," came Michiru's voice. Then, walking into the room as she put in an earring, "I'm sure I can still smell acetone every so often."

And she was ready. She moved out into the light in a dress of light blue silk that wrapped around her breasts, draped over the small bump of her belly and fell to the floor. She wasn't big, apparently. Geez. All these clues and she still thought it was a boy. As she walked, the material of her dress rippled in darker and brighter reflections. Her arms were bare, slim. She twirled, maybe a bit self-consciously. Her back was exposed but for a criss-cross of silver lacing.

"Well if you weren't pregnant already, you'd be at risk going out like that."

"So crass…!" She hit me lightly on the arm, "You think it's too much? I could find something else…?"

"Stop!" I stood, took one of her hands, and twirled her again. I watched the flashing of colour as she spun, marveling at her impossible elegance. Like a tango dancer, she twisted away then turned and returned to me.

For a breathless moment, I had her caught, wrapped in both arms. She had her back to me. She bowed her head but didn't move away.

"You look incredible," I said, and let her go, "please don't change."

X

The club was cranking by the time we arrived. I'd gone for one of the classier establishments. All your well to do, possibly still-closeted, women frequented. No photos here. No drunken teens. No ripped jeans. Utmost discretion, if you please. Needless to say, I hadn't expected to see Takiko. Her red hair was hard to miss.

"Tenoh!" She waved us over. "My God! You're with the living!"

I'm sure Michiru stiffened. I certainly did. But there we were, weaving through the crowd towards one of the few tables. Perhaps it would be good to have a seat incase… No, I couldn't say any part of this felt like a good idea anymore.

Taki was radiant. "Mrs. Kaioh, so good to see you again."

"Thank you." She responded. "And you too."

Michiru's eyes were everywhere. I realized that such a place existing might be something of a revelation to her.

"We should be fine," I said quickly, "Members only. No cameras, no journalists."

"Really and truly." Takiko nodded, "Perfect for surreptitious dates with-"

"We're not dating, Taki." I said.

"But all these fantastic headlines…!"

"We're not." Michiru repeated.

"Then it's our gain," said another woman.

I didn't recognize her. Not my type.

"Oh sorry, this is Ren-kun," Taki bumped her head against the woman's shoulder, "my partner in heartbreak."

Ren, in a shirt and tie, had dark hair, shorter than mine and pulled into stupid little spikes. She kept her eyes, dark too, fixed firmly on mine. She offered a hand to shake and didn't smile.

"It's good to meet you," said Ren, "Taki has told me so much."

"Well, well, how funny she hadn't mentioned you yet." I said. Then looking to Taki, "Perhaps she's keeping her liaisons secret these days?"

"You're one to talk, Tenoh!" She giggled.

Same old, same old.

"Ms. Kaioh, it's an even greater pleasure to meet you," Ren spoke again, took a hand and kissed it. Sleaze. "It's a fine thing to hear you've joined our team."

"Ah, I haven't signed up yet." Michiru said. "I have a present commitment to the pregnant and boring club."

"Oh?" Ren said, "It hardly seems that way. Come to the bar with me? Let me buy you something… fun, but pregnancy-proof. Perhaps I can look into your membership.

X

M

X

Ren, perhaps a bit cheesy and eager to impress, offered an arm for me to take. I did. She was sweet, boyish. And I wasn't terribly comfortable being party to Haruka's little catch-up session. That Takiko woman wasn't a great fan of mine either. Her expression said as much. I walked away and caught glimpses of her through the crowd. Her red lips whispering gossip. Her head thrown back in laughter. Her hands on Haruka's arm, shoulder, face...

"Ginger fizz, what do you think?" Ren snatched my attention back to a drinks list. "They call it a mocktail."

"Sounds perfect." I smiled.

Ren leant in towards the bar. I felt suddenly alone. All around me were women, many of them elegant and slim and certainly not pregnant. It felt as though I was the only soul not in black. From the bar to the tables and the open floors, they ranged the gender spectrum from highly feminine to androgynous to super masculine. I thought I even caught a glimpse of a moustache at one point. The dress code seemed in theme with European 1930s. There were champagne flutes, long gloves and ribboned dresses. Dapper jackets, braces, pinstripes. Ren fell into the pinstriped category. She had turned again to me, offering a glass.

"Perhaps they need a moment." She referred back to the table we had recently vacated.

"Mm." I said.

Takiko's arm was around Haruka's neck as she talked, gesticulating with her other hand, flicking it at the wrist. Haruka appeared to be listening more than talking. She was smiling. I felt ill.

"A dance?" said Ren.

She must have understood something of the situation. And she was cute, offering her arm again. Again, I took it and we moved out to the checkered floor.

The music, pouring over from large speakers, was a slow jazz. There were other couples, all female, turning in leisurely circles. There was a woman, eyes closed as though in a trance, dancing alone, moving her arms in waving lines. Ren had us stepping in a kind of waltz. Her scent was spicy. She was shorter than Haruka. I don't know why that came to mind.

"What's the story with you and Takiko-san?" I asked.

We kept moving.

"Oh, that one. Perhaps we're "not dating" just the same as you."

"I don't think anyone is _not dating_ in quite the same way." I sighed. "I don't even know how to explain it."

"Well Taki and I were a short thing. We're not anymore."

"No?"

"No. Didn't work out." Ren said tiredly. "Wasn't my choice but-"

"It's okay, you don't need to explain."

"Ha… yeah." She sounded sarcastic. "They're doing all the explaining for me."

"Oh?"

"Taki…" Ren paused. "She wasn't quite over her thing with your _non-date_."

"I see, I'm sorry."

"A bit of a lady-killer, I hear."

"Oh no," I found myself feeling sympathy for Ren, and smiled as I spoke, "Not all killed. Some of us still survive to tell the tale."

"So it's over? With you two, I mean." Ren pulled back to look at me. We ceased our crescent maneuver.

I watched her sorrowful eyes and sweet boyish face. Had the dazzling redhead stolen her heart? Perhaps she could understand my predicament better than I imagined.

"It has to be." I said. "There has to be something-"

And she kissed me. Took me quite by surprise. It didn't last long, but I was left speechless, not able to reprimand Ren for her sad expression, but definitely not ready for any kind of…

Haruka was watching me. She evidently wasn't listening to Takiko. I looked back at her. Ren made some kind of murmured apology and shuffled away. I was left alone again, amidst a sea of dancers. I was the only one sinking.

X

The car on our return trip was cast in stony silence. I hadn't anything to apologize for, actually, but I couldn't stand it much longer. What a disaster.

"Haruka, can I just explain?"

"You're under no obligation to me."

"But you feel obliged to _not_ speak to me."

"We're speaking."

"Don't be childish."

"_You_ don't be…" She was silent for a moment. "What do you want from me? Congratulations? You really expect this to be easy for me?"

"You're jealous."

"You want me to be the taxi driver while you peruse the local talent?"

"You're jealous." I repeated.

"Of course I'm jealous!"

"And how about you? All over your mechanic woman…"

"I was _not_." She shook her head.

"Watch your speed."

"Sorry."

It was quiet for the rest of the trip home. Haruka turned on the radio. It was a love song. She promptly changed the station to something that sounded like a steam train and left it there.

Inside the apartment, quiet and baby-proofed and dreadful as it was, we wordlessly went off to our respective rooms for a what was, at least for me, a restless night. Several times I sat up, I thought of moving out to her, saying something. And I thought of saying nothing, of going out and lying down beside her, pulling her arm around me, being reminded… I thought I heard her footsteps too. I imagined her just outside my room, pausing. With all my might I willed her to cross the threshold. I conjured nothing but ghosts of remembrance.

I had feverish dreams, polluted and unresolved. In them I walked through a surreal scene. The ground was yellow, uneven, untrodden. Sharp rock and dead trees punctuated a lilac sky. I was as pregnant as in reality, maybe more so. I was heavy and terribly tired. There was no point to aim for. No sun or moon or star. Suddenly, laughter above me sounded. A woman, tall and tanned and familiar but not one I could place in memory. She was sitting in the dip of a dead branch.

"Come now, you're stubborn as ever." she said.

"What do you mean? Where do I go?"

"Wherever you want."

"The path of least resistance?"

"Michiru, my friend, you know that's just not your style."

"You're my friend?"

"I am."

"My second friend?"

"You have many allies. But she's not your friend."

"I'm trying so hard."

"You can't fictionalize these things," the woman laughed again, "I would be worried if you thought of me as you do with _that_ friend."

"You're a mind reader?"

"Everybody knows."

"…the papers…"

"Everybody always saw it with you two." She said.

"She breaks my heart." I protested.

"And you break hers. Why?"

"I don't. I don't have it, how could I break it."

"My friend, my friend, my friend… how is your daughter?"

"I'm having a son."

"You will, in some years. Now you are carrying a daughter."

"If you're so sure of everything else, why _ask_ after my daughter?"

The woman laughed. "Mother knows best…"

The next morning, fatigued and disconcerted, I went in to the lounge. She wasn't there. No haphazard jumpers, not a bag or car magazine in sight. It was spotless. But for a note on the table.

_"Due for training – agent called, hope you'll catch me on the sports channels, I'll be the car in front. _

_All the very best wishes for you and your family in the coming weeks. _

_- Haruka _

_(The King) _

_P.S. Don't dress your daughter like a boy. No good will come of it."_

And I was once again the sole resident of the apartment. I sat on the couch, picked up a cushion, brought it to my face and tried to inhale residual scents of her. It was so, so quiet. I hugged the cushion to my chest and leant forward. Something rustled beside me. In the gap between pillows and chair arm were one, two, a dozen scrunched, balls of paper. Like heads of a wilted bouquet. They were the notes that didn't make the table. I unraveled each and on each I found the same discarded message. "_I love you."_

I read it out loud a dozen times over.


	21. Chapter 21

X

M

X

The time, the days fell away like leaves. As my pregnancy progressed I left my studio work and eventually moved back in with Shun. Not into his bed, nor his room, but I realized I wanted to have someone around. I felt a need then, for both myself and my son, to have help on hand should anything, any complication or uncertainty arise. I didn't give up the apartment, I didn't intend for this living scenario being permanent. If I was honest, as I was trying to be now and then, the evidence of _Her _was too overpowering. The measures of care, the even the damned nursery motif in gender-neutral colours, it all whispered remembrance of her presence. When I thought of a life that might have been, a home in which she stayed... it was just too hard. Just too much.

The postcards came, for Kuriko, not for me. They documented locations accessed by planes. Planes that were not so accessible to pregnant women. Beautiful cities, some of which I had performed in, and whose monuments I could recall. She wrote of these in a language for Kuri, the language of awe. She described a world of splendor, but frustratingly dropped out the details of herself. I did watch the races as they were televised, and sometimes Shun joined me. He was more at ease given my proximity. In moving back in to the estate I'd explained as clearly as I could that I couldn't stay with him long-term, not honestly. It wasn't easy.

"If... when you need to see other people, perhaps," I swallowed, "Perhaps if we are open about that with each other for now..."

"I'm not looking," he said.

Kuri-chan was safely asleep in bed and Shun's "happy face" seemed to have been equally tucked away. He didn't like to fight in front of her.

"I hope you will... soon. But I hope you'll keep me involved. I couldn't bear it if I couldn't see Kuriko-chan."

"But you can bear it without me."

"_Shun-_"

"Forget what I said. I won't. I won't keep her from you."

In the large lounge, in the home we had once shared so easily, night crept around us and I shivered.

"You're such a good man..."

"Maybe that's the problem... not bad enough, eh?" he smiled weakly.

"I think it may be more in the "_man_" problem actually." I shook my head. "If I could choose, if I could make a sensible decision, you'd be it. Over and over, you'd be it. But... it doesn't work like that. I can't choose the way I feel. And I can't be the wife you deserve."

"You're more than I deserve..."

"No, no, I'm not." I sighed. "There are women, many women I'm sure, who would be head-over-heels-"

"Don't say things you don't believe."

"But I do...!"

"You're trying to extricate yourself and-"

"Shun, I'm _not_," my voice broke then, "You are an amazing father, a provider, a sweet and... and my best, _dearest _friend."

I paused to regain composure, "I am terrified of losing you, utterly terrified that you will forget all ties and begin a new family and I will have lost… the best friend I have known."

We had talked for a while longer. He'd even asked some tentative questions about Haruka. We'd attempted a few jokes on our mutual prospects with women. He was heart-broken, it was clear. I would need to leave him some space, to risk the loss of his company and let him heal. But in that murky time, that uncertain period before the due date, we lived in a kind of settled happiness.

X

H

X

Neck in neck. That's what the papers said. It'd be a close final race. Hah, who were they kidding. Back on the track and our team creamed. Sure, thanks to my colossal wipe out, we were down on the points, but the succession of wins, the total track domination was uncontestable. The only thing stopping us was us, and we sure as hell didn't plan on any stopping. Our training had been relentless. The guys had sharpened up under Takiko's command. She wouldn't take any crap as a woman in charge, and frequently reminded them of the "_woman _behind the wheel".

"One cock-up and you've put a _lady _in hospital, that what you want?"

I wasn't fond of "lady" as a term, however it seemed to work. When we hung out nowadays it was at the gym, not the bar. They'd agreed not to drink on nights before training and race days. It had been on the proviso that I did not, _under any circumstances_, get strung out on women. _At least_ until we had a trophy. Fine. Deal. Like I had anything left to get "strung out" with.

These days the crew didn't miss a beat in a pitt stop. In and out, smooth sailing. Points would be close, yeah, but they were nothing. We moved like the wind.

On one day though, a Monday night, I didn't join them. Not at the gym, or the bar, or anywhere with anyone. I had felt it during the race, a jolt, a flush over my thoughts. For a moment I was afraid of blacking out again, heading off the track. But it wasn't the same. I felt it, this feeling like golden light washing over me and I laughed inside my helmet. It made my crew nervous. We took the flag as usual, no trouble.

But I waited alone after the stadium had emptied. I walked up to the top tier of the bleachers and watched the sunset. I felt the dying rays on my face and smiled and smiled.

Her daughter.

Her daughter was arriving.

I guess I would have appeared small in the seating designed for thousands. A speck on the landscape. But as I watched the sun slip away, I felt a joy so massively expansive that I must have been big enough. In that brief possession of an overwhelming happiness, I felt I must have swallowed that sun myself.

X

M

X

The image I will hold most strongly of that Tuesday, was the view of maple leaves through the window. They were brilliant, volcanic red, coating the branches and ground below. It was too early and they were not yet swept away. So red! Each shaped with the outline of a ruptured comet. The sky was smoky in the morning. The gardens surrounding the private clinic kept the noise of traffic and industry as far as far could be. And I, alone as I had not been for the preceding twelve hours, was drifting on a sea of wonder. It's common, apparently, the endorphin flood afterwards. Maybe chemistry. Maybe.

I looked out from my window and saw the thousand fallen stars of fire and felt a bliss I could never have expected.

Oh, and there had been blood. Blood and pain and pain and pain. Rushing agony in rising waves. The universe inside of me had turned in on itself. The structures were warping and gaping and disintegrating. And fear, confusion. A sense of being totally unprepared, ever unready for such a thing. The deep pain, the filling pain of women from ages past, present, future. The great pain of ancestry, I bore it for a time. Or it bore me. And gasping, hissing breath. Ask any woman, I'm sure you'll find sounds of pleasure during conception are far eclipsed by the mortal cries during labor!

And there had been love. An endless flooding supply. My mother and mother-in-law forgot their convention and were present and certain and more than I could have asked for. The looks of pride and happiness. I had been brought into an experience of greatness, passing certainly the fieriest of trials. Shun had been there, his damp hand in mine, his eyes filled with joy and dread. His memories of the only other birth of his witnessing rocked him. I understood this, though he never mentioned it.

"You're amazing." He'd said. "You're doing so, so well."

"Just stay with me." Said his eyes. "Please, just please don't let go..."

I hadn't. Early that morning, and earlier than expected, my daughter was born. Oh, she was perfect. A little miracle. I held her to me and greeted her in the new greater world we would share, the universe outside of me. And she was perfect.

Given her premature birth, she was kept incubated. It had troubled Shun. It had me a little worried too, I wasn't sure how to be apart yet. The great machinery looked vicious so close by her soft skin. But our mothers, our nurses and physicians explained away doubt, encouraged our rest, promised it was best for all. Who was I to question? Shun had left to sleep at home. He would come back later with Kuri-chan. I was promised some hours of peace.

There was a timid knock at the door. A nurse entered behind a large bouquet of fire red lilies.

"Mrs. Kaioh? Oh good, you're still awake."

I nodded. My throat still felt rough.

"These have been looking for a home for quite a while, a bit of a mystery around reception."

"Oh?" I whispered. "They're lovely."

"Yes, the strangest thing." She spoke, setting aside the flowers, now in a vase. "We couldn't find you because they arrived before _you_ did. We didn't have a patient Kaioh checked in!"

"How funny..." I said.

"We'd thought perhaps a friend anticipating your due date? But then, it turns out you're here ahead of schedule...?"

I took the card, smiled and said, "Perhaps... female intuition."

"It's what we rely on around here." The nurse shrugged happily.

_"I'm sorry to miss your arrival but I hope to meet you when I can. One day, maybe more than once, I hope to celebrate the anniversary of this day with you. Be good to your parents and kind to your sister, with your mother's good looks, I'm sure you'll have everyone wrapped around your little finger! Enjoy that too. Welcome to the world, Little Miss Abe-Kaioh. I believe you'll find it is a magnificent place." _

It was Haruka's script. A style I had committed to memory. I had lost her bet, had disbelieved until it was undeniable that my baby was indeed a little girl. I folded the card, held it to my chest and grinned the grin of the victorious. The red trees through the window looked in at the flaming flowers at my bedside. Oh yes, I thought, a magnificent place indeed.

X

H

X

I opened the hotel door to Taki's look of concern.

"Didn't catch you down at the gym last night?"

"S'okay. I just needed space." I said.

"Gathered as much, care to explain?"

We walked out to the balcony, watched the morning sun.

"Her baby." I broke into a grin again. "Her little girl was born."

"Oh? Great, so you're in contact again."

"Ah, no, can't do that."

"Eh?"

"It was… a feeling. But I know it's true."

"Geez Tenoh, you're seriously starting to femme it up…"

"Forget about it."

"No, no, look I'm sorry." She rested a hand on mine. "You wanted to be there, huh?"

"Nah, not possible. Plus I promised the guys…"

"Don't lie to me, Tenoh, bigger obstacles have been nothing to you."

Something caught in my throat, I felt my eyes sting. The sun was so bright.

"I can't be around her."

"Since when?"

"She wants… look that hospital will be filled with her family, Abe, the mothers…"

"Whoa, don't tell me Mrs. Kaioh's got two mommies…!"

"Funny. Her mother _and mother-in-law_. They were at the apartment every couple of days, they get all that maternal stuff. Plus Abe, you know, the guy's been through it before and…"

"And… _her_?" Takiko looked at me suspiciously. "What do you mean you can't be around her?"

"Ah Michiru…" I said the name, one I hadn't voiced for so long and my vision blurred. "She wants… she needs a friend. Not me." I swallowed. "I just can't be what I'm not. Hasn't worked out so far. I hope, I really hope that this'll all wear off, y'know? I need this to wear off, then I can see her and…"

"You love her."

I couldn't say it. I closed my eyes and nodded my head. The day was still.

I felt Taki move closer. She wrapped her arms around my back and pushed my face into her shoulder and held me there. She held me like a child and I shuddered and I wept. It tore me to pieces. I thought of them constantly. Kuri-chan, the baby, Michiru… always Michiru, they were present in my thoughts like an endless song in the background. I missed and missed her. I didn't know how to handle myself when everything stopped moving. In the mornings, the evenings and quiet spaces of the day, thoughts of her were so vivid. Even when we were in the thick of photo shoots, presentations, pre and post-race interviews, I might see a head in the crowd, I might hear a sound like her laugh and I would falter, time would crash down around me, then I'd see it wasn't, could possibly be her and the longing would resurface.

"Have you told her?" Takiko asked finally.

"Huh?" I rubbed my face, feeling embarrassed, "No, she's not interested."

"Dammit Tenoh!" She hit me on the arm. "You're your own worst enemy!"

"Oi! C'mon, where's the love?"

"You've had enough. Why don't you say something! Geez! If it were me I'd want to know."

"That's the thing, _darling_, it's not you."

"Don't _darling_ me." She watched me for a moment. "Is this about Ren?"

"_No_. It's not about _Ren_." I folded my arms.

"'Cause, y'know she did try and call Ms. Kaioh-"

"Spare me the details."

"Though it seems she was on as much of a celibacy kick as you are."

"Taki, _please_, I'm trying to forget her."

"Haruka, I'm telling you. It's. Not. Working."

"It's working just fine. We're cleaning up on the track."

"You do nothing but train."

"It's my job."

"You're miserable."

"It happens."

"We've all noticed it."

"So what?"

She gave an exasperated sigh. "So go see her, tell her! Man up, y'know!"

"She doesn't... feel the same." I said.

"You're sure?"

"Uh huh," I nodded, "Yeah, I'm sure."

"Well…I'm sorry about that."

Quiet stretched between us.

"Wanna talk shop?" said Taki.

"Mm. That'd be better."

"Looking forward to the final being at Suzuka?"

"_What_?"

"Didn't you hear? Track over in Brazil suffered some damage in the quake, they had to transfer. Since you're flying up so quickly in the leader board I think they considered Japan a rocking zone for the final!"

"Oh _come_ on…" I dropped my face into my hands

"Home advantage!"


	22. Chapter 22

Suzuka. One of the few remaining tracks to feature the figure of 8 and final resting place of many a motor racer. It was a track to be reckoned with. I'd won and lost in Japan – that loss had been a bad one; the drifting off track was an expensive error. Memories of it swamped back again. Unnerving. At the break neck pace we would be going, any inexplicable blackout would be totally lethal. I don't recall the hit, but at times, in dreams, the sensations came back to me. Crunching metal and tyre burn in an impossible braking maneuver. I hadn't anticipated it the first time, what was to stop another mistake? When we took the tour of the track we passed the names of the same local sponsors and I felt a foreign fear, a cold sweat crept over my body. I didn't say anything.

The car girls were a riot. I think the press attention following the revelation of my gender had tipped advertising royalties in our favor. We were caught in a gauntlet of bikini-wearing, logo emblazoned, giggling women. A photo with the notorious local team must have been a golden ticket to the would-be models. They clung to our arms, air-kissed, chest grabbed and always leaned into the closest camera.

"Haruka-chan, where's the party tonight?"

"Will you be at the champion's ball?"

"You're brave behind the wheel! I'm so scared of noisy cars…!"

We would've passed through the swarm much faster had the guys been less easily distracted. I think Machu wanted to keep a few as pets. Local girls were certainly cute. But they were being paid. So was I. And we needed to get our game plan together.

"Right Boys, we're on home turf," Taki began.

"She's not a boy!" Kenji interjected, pointing at me.

"She acts like one. Shut up and listen," said Taki, "We've messed up here before, and we're not doing it again on my watch. Got it?"

There was a rumbling of consensus. Hideo watched from behind folded arms, nodding soberly. Taki continued.

"Tenoh, we're not having any heroics. When it's time to pull in to the pitt, you get the hell off of that track."

"Yare, yare, you want me to win without heroics. You got the wrong driver."

"Don't get cute."

"Can't help it."

"_Try_."

I was trying. Trying to release the hold that dread had taken. _Home advantage_. Sure as hell didn't feel that way. There seemed something cursed about this race. There was no reason for the failure that time before. I still couldn't explain my fogging over into unconsciousness, sure the machine had failed, but before that, something I'd _seen_… something insistent and pervasive come over me. Like a nightmare, a living nightmare. I had to get it together. Sink or swim, Tenoh. No time for ghosts or superstition… It would be a gamble like every other race. The odds were just stacked further against me.

Sink or swim.

X

M

X

"Mama, look!"

Kuriko burst into the lounge where I was nursing Kae-chan. We were still in the process of negotiating _quiet times_ for the baby. It didn't do well that Kuri was exhibiting the rebellion common around first children. She wasn't sure yet about her little sister. This tiny interloper was stealing the limelight without so much as knowing how to raise her own head!

With an unceremonious slam, Kuri joined us on the couch. The jolt startled Kaede, who opened her pretty, blue eyes, forgot what she was doing, and began an ominous whimper. My youngest daughter was far less peaceful than her sister had been. I'd spent the days since her birth in a warped reality of utter exhaustion. The whimper became a cry.

"My, my, aka-chan," I sung softly, patting her little back, "so much sorrow, so much sorrow…"

She was soothed in time. Kuri, in a blessed moment of "good behavior," waited quietly for her sister to return to feeding.

"Mama," she now whispered, "Look, I found a picture. 'S the King…!"

"Ah, so it is."

I looked at the crinkled image, slightly faded on the newsprint. It was a close-up from her latest win, her cap was off, thrown to the crowd. She had on a dazzling smile, a genuine grin. Terrible heartbreaker. Her expression was infectious.

"It's a lovely photo," I said, "From the newspaper?"

"Yup, I read it, it says… King… comes… home." She pointed to the words as she invented their meaning.

"Just about, that says Ten – Oh – what was that?" I leant forward suddenly. Kae-chan rumbled her disapproval.

"She's racing in Japan? We're hosting the final?"

"Yah! I've been really good. I'm really big enough. I want to go!"

"We…" A well of excitement rushed up in me. "So do I!"

"Really?" Kuriko cocked her head. "No jokes?"

"It's the final," I laughed, "Of course we should go."

"But we leave Kae-chan at the house."

"_Kuri_…"

"She's just a baby. She'll wreck it all."

"Darling, however much she tests your patience, your sister isn't about to wreck an international racing event."

"Will so."

"How?"

"Just… you're not good at arguing like the King!"

And she stormed off to her room. It was difficult. I hadn't anticipated how much she would miss Haruka's attention. Apparently my baking, my grocery shopping, my laundry folding and bedtime stories were all "not as good as the King." It shouldn't have pushed me, but on top of Kaede's sleeplessness, Shun's recent sensitivity and my utter exhaustion, the accusations began to ring true. I felt an utter wreck. I couldn't deny that it all wasn't quite as good without _the King_. I missed her awfully.

Later, I was roused from a short-lived rest on the couch. I couldn't even remember getting there let alone falling asleep. There was a noise in Kae-chan's room. I was shaken into wakefulness. Kuriko's voice. Gods! Surely she would take out her frustrations on…

I stopped short at the nursery door. Kuriko was sitting by the crib, Kae was burbling happily on her back. Kuri spoke gently.

"You have to know this one Kae-Kae, it's a real good one so listen. There once was a Prince who would not be King, okay, listening?"

Kaede was silent.

"The Prince was a good guy. Also a good-looking guy. He had on a shiny, silver shirt, shiny, silver pants. All his shoes and gloves and all his stuff were shiny, but he couldn't be King until he got him a marriage. Okay?"

Kaede blinked, clasping and unclasping her little hands.

"When the Prince had a birthday, the Queen asked a million, billion princesses to the party. If that Prince would choose one, he would get a marriage. Then be king. Then be happily ever after BUT…"

There was a pause while Kuriko reveled in her own theatrics.

"All the beau-ti-ful princesses weren't even cool enough. The Prince came out his room, he walked down the stairs, he passed… he passed all the princesses, he went to the band and he stopped one of the music players. A _girl_ music player. Then he went," here she deepened her voice, 'Hey baby, what's shaking?'."

I stifled a laugh. I was still unnoticed.

"Then that music player said, 'Not me. I'm not scared of ya!'. Then the Prince said 'That's real good, 'cos I want to marriage ya.' Then the Princess, I mean the music girl, she said, 'My, you are a handsome Prince, but I am not sure about a marriage.' Then the Prince says, 'Kay, but how's about a date?', and he smiled charming-a-ly and he said, 'Just spend a bit of time and you'll for definite want to love me,' and the music player said, 'Kay, you should buy me a ice-cream and-"

I gave a shocked laugh. What a story indeed!

"Mama! Did you listen?" Kuri looked up accusingly.

"I did, it's great, keep going, Kae-chan looks like she wants to hear the end of it."

"Can't _you_ tell it?"

"I'm afraid I don't…" Her look of disappointment stopped me. "don't' you know the ending?"

"Nah, I kept falling asleep before the finishing part. The King told it for much longer. He said all the kinds of dresses and ponies and stuff."

"Oh, I see. Dresses too? Well then," I sat beside her and the crib and gathered the little storyteller into my lap. Kae-chan was quite happy in our company. Anyone walking by would be misled into finding them perfect angels. Oh, but they were gorgeous, my little girls.

"Well, the musician was quite beautiful too, she had a lovely singing voice and a long harp with golden threads, she often used it to-"

"And a violin."

"A violin? _Really_."

"Ya, like your one."

"Are you telling the story or am I?"

"Ya but you have to remember all the parts. The music player has a violin. She has lovely perfume. She has a _beau-ti-ful_ butt…"

"Kuri-chan!"

"Mama, that's how it goes…!"

"That King might not live to see another birthday…"

"Mama, please do the story, please?"

"Well, in the rest of the story there are no more naughty words."

"_Fine_."

"The musician, with the harp _and_ violin was rather wary of the Prince. He seemed a bit too charming and all the princesses rushed around him like bees around honey. The musician, who was stunningly beautiful, was also very smart, she was cleverer than all the princesses, and she knew better than to let herself fall for a rude Prince with naughty language."

Kuriko gave me a _look_.

"The beautiful musician needed to know that the Prince was lovely inside before she could commit to a marriage, so she watched him with careful eyes to see if he was indeed good enough for her. She watched the Prince around the princesses and checked that he didn't flirt too seriously…"

"What does flirt mean?"

"It's a – it's another naughty word."

"You said there wouldn't be anymore."

"You're quite right, I'm sorry. So the musician, watched to see that the Prince was also kind to the other players in her band. Even the ones he wasn't interested in marrying…"

"_Marriage_-ing." I was corrected.

"My mistake," I said, "and the Prince was indeed kind to the whole band. He was sweet to the little children and gallant as he turned down offers from the princesses and he was just, quite _terribly_ handsome. The musician, as smart and astonishingly attractive as she was, found herself falling deeply in love with the Prince, so she followed him with not just her eyes, but with all of herself…"

I stopped for a moment. I was flushed with memories of her body as first revealed, of her lips against my skin. I remembered her low laughter, her hand in mine in the weekend we stole along the beach…

"So when the Prince came to the musician again, and – what do you think he asked her…?"

Kuri repeated her previous line, "Hey Baby, What's shaking?"

"The musician said, 'It is my heart when I see you, it is my senses when you are near. What is shaking, is the world I had envisioned. My whole picture of the future. I don't what will be in it'."

"Like an earth quake?"

"Like a snow globe."

"Oh."

"Like a snow globe, that is stirred up, so that all those possibilities, all the dreams that the musician had had and forgotten, all the magic in her world came back to life. When she was with the Prince, the world became beautiful again, and her thoughts of sadness and hopelessness fell away."

"And they had a marriage?"

"My, I don't know if the musician was ready for another one of those…"

"_Huh_?" Kuri was evidently displeased, "Tell the bit about the marriage. Say about the ponies and flowers."

"Does the King put all those in?"

"The King's real good at the marriage part."

"Oh my…"


	23. Chapter 23

Today I was not starting in pole position. Whether it was another of those dizzy spells or simply the fear of another attack I couldn't say. The fact was that in the first race, thrown by a vision of the same sponsor logos on the hairpin bend, I'd hit the brakes and _hard_. It had cost me my usual spot at the front of the grid and had done nothing to inspire confidence in my team.

"What the hell, Tenoh? That was a no brainer!" Machu had been furious.

There was little sympathy from the remainder of the team. Hideo, Taki and the rest all seemed in wait of explanation. The room was in glossy grey; its beams, and screens and testing equipment seemed to converge on me. The odours of thinners, petrol, fire, were increasingly oppressive. What was I supposed to say? _Yep, had a flashback of past lives or some such. There was this floating woman and…_ Yeah, right.

"Look, I don't know… I'm sorry." I'd lied.

"You took that corner like an old lady…!"

"I can't say, man. It won't happen again."

It was another lie. I had no idea. No, I wouldn't be slamming on the brakes, that could endanger other drivers as much as our shot at the win. This was the final, _not_ the race to save my own skin. Caution and anxiety were weights I could not carry. I was coming out on top or on a stretcher. But hey, my colleagues didn't need to know that.

We were awaiting the start. Engines were rumbling, revving, our expectations surging and diving. Fuel, sweat and heat wavered in the air.

"Keep a cool head out there kid," Hideo's voice was distorted.

"Ice cool." I responded.

"I know… we're not looking to take this one, but I'll have none of that kamikaze crap. There's always next season, understand?"

"I hear you."

"I want you to _listen_, not hear."

"Uh huh."

The bleachers were packed. Flags in red and white glittered across the human tidal wave. The local supporters were out in force. Loud speakers cracked out the pre-race standings over echoing music. I was seated low, the world viewed from behind my visor, gloved hand twitching over the gearshift. Ahead of me were three machines I wouldn't lose sight of until they fell into the rear view. Overtaking from fourth on the grid was no mean feat. Generally, without crashes, nasty mistakes or poor pit times, there wasn't a lot to push us out of this starting placement. The teams ahead of me, as much as those behind me, were hungry for victory. Losing the title to a woman, a physically, mentally well… _generally_ inferior competitor wouldn't be taken lightly. This was from opposition management as much as fellow racers. There was talk of restructure. Firing.

My team wanted the trophy. The competition wanted my head. The vast landscape of spectators was filled with adrenaline junkies, journalists thirsting for tragedy and the faces of so, so many strangers. At that moment, hero or villain, I felt quite alone against the world. Myself, my car, had inches, microseconds separating this life and the next. But the time for philosophising had passed. A coursing silence washed over the crowd. Every soul, friend or enemy or fanatical oddity, held his or her breath and looked to the countdown. The time was now.

Red, orange… green!

X

M

X

Shun had arranged a company-sponsored box for the final race. It was too good an opportunity to pass up in impressing key clients. It was tactical; I'm sure, a good look for him, appearing above any "_muck-raking tabloids._" In private he was clearly mixed in his feelings. He'd really had to agree to Kuriko's demand to attend, she'd waved the postcards from their "private project" and I think guilt prevailed. Nonetheless, he'd become moodier as the day approached. I tried to be sensitive, but Kae-chan's strain on my waking hours didn't leave a lot of energy for placating a full-grown man. And anyway, I was excited!

In the lead up we'd been shopping at malls where specialty watches, sports drinks, and various clothing had featured the team colours. Kuriko had requested each item as it presented itself. I had declined on the basis that no one under the age of twenty need be in possession of a watch valued at 1.3 million yen. In the end, my eldest daughter had been appeased with a team cap that fell over her ears and eyes and was all the more brilliant because Kaede was wa-ay too small to have one.

On race day we were in prime viewing position for the finish line. Shun's marketing team had done an amazing job of arranging the box. It almost seemed like overcompensation – not that I said so. Champagne, canapés, and plush seating were on offer for the esteemed guests. They were suited, jolly and, particularly for my benefit, in the full swing of pompous explanation on the artistry of performance driving.

"It's a special kind of genius, Mrs. Abe," said a large man in an Italian suit and a logo covered team cap.

"I'm sure it is." I smiled, silently thankful that I was able to drink again.

"These men work day and night, they practically live at the gym. Finely tuned as their engines."

He slapped his barrel of a stomach as though demonstrating his own experience in the development of musculature.

"Mm. And the women too I expect?"

"Wha- oh, yes! Yes of course. That Miss Tenoh that your husband sponsored is quite a contender too, eh? Not an ounce of fat on her! Got an eye for those fast women, does he?"

The man roared in amusement at his own joke and I went to check on my daughters. There was a back room that had been set up as a temporary nursery of sorts. Kaede, oddly enough, was sleeping soundly. Kuriko was on the floor, on her back, controller in hand playing, not unpredictably, the official racing video game. It was projected onto a screen, which seemed, in the room, as large as one of the mighty replay displays out in the stadium. She appeared to be driving backwards, indiscriminately hitting into computer generated barriers and photographers.

"Darling, I think this game might be a bit violent for you."

"_Mama_, it's sports."

She continued on her one vehicle rampage.

"Plus I'm real good. I'm killing all the bad guys."

A group of several car girls appeared to scream and dive out of the path of danger. Amazing how detailed these things were…

"Well, if you're interested, the _real_ race has started."

"Huh? I missed the beginning?"

"It's okay, it will be on for over an hour still."

"Hours…? I thought they were s'posed to be fast?"

"Ah well, perhaps you could teach them a thing or two."

Kuriko was quick to put her race on pause and scamper out to the adult area. I leant over my youngest daughter, taken by a sense of bewilderment at the sight of her napping in the midst of so many engines, so much testosterone. Oh, such sweet oblivion. Why couldn't she manage it at night?

X

H

X

I was holding place, holding holding. The bastard in front cut me off on every corner. Damn I was tired of his blue ass! We were getting into the second quarter and I didn't want this joker adding to my time. I chased his tail around the hairpin and onwards. When he took the spoon curve wide I saw my window. I hurtled through the gap, swung onto the straight and made my distance. Hideo crackled in my ear.

"You bloody suicidal? What was that?"

"Doing my job." I called back.

An assault of rather choice language was followed by:

"Keep it up maniac!"

Swooping across the overpass and nailing the casino triangle I pushed the revs. Number two was still out of sight. I checked the display of my lap time. Better, but not best. Would have to make it up and fast. Another lap down. The bulk of the Japanese fans passed in a blur, and I took the next curve damn near perfectly. Yeah, had it down. The S curves drew closer, became present and past in flashing instants. Where was this guy? How far back could I be?

"Tell you what, number 47 just pulled in to pit." Hideo spoke.

"Already?"

"Push through this next lap and he'll eat your dust…!"

Eat dust he did. I flew through to the final quarter, while competition fell behind, ran off the road, lost their nerve. When I pulled into pit, my team was ready, a veritable slipstream of efficiency.

The sun was in full attendance for the end. It was absolutely scorching, Sweat beaded and slithered beneath my fire suit. None of that mattered. This race was between silver and red. And red had enjoyed more than enough time up front. Pulling through the Dunlop curve I finally had him in sight. He bolted, was invisible until the Degner curve. Yep, I was gaining. I was gaining but there wasn't enough time to take it casually, the laps had fallen away, the end was near. Together we tore towards the hairpin. This'd be it. Total madness, but this would be the test, which of us could take it tighter. Hideo was buzzing, yelling. I ignored it. We had all come too far. Sink or swim.

I accelerated in my pursuit, the engine keened at my back. Split seconds, the smallest bodily twitch would throw off my position. The back of the red driver came closer, the logos on it rear wing

Panasonic

Sony

Nep…

_No._ Purple haze came over my eyes. Heat coursed over my body. My hands jerked violently at the wheel and then…

Nothing.

Absolute silence.

I wasn't moving at all.

I held my breath, turned my head and the sound of my helmet echoed all around. The rest of the world, all of it outside myself was paralysed. My hands on the wheel released, but nothing happened. The car in front, the V8 engines, the crowds, the speakers were completely still.

"Trying to kill yourself, Haruka?" A voice, the same that had tormented my sleep, reverberated around my brain.

In time, or standing outside of it, the tanned woman appeared, hovering over my car. She held a peculiar staff and looked over me with concern.

"How do you know me? What do you know?" I called, my voice resonated spookily.

"From the past, from the future too. I know about all these things."

"Am I dead?"

"Just about!" She looked unimpressed, "Fancy trying an overtake on a hairpin bend…!"

"Eh? My premonition fairy is a sports fan?"

"I'm not the premonition fairy."

"You _behave_ a whole lot like… the premonition fairy."

"Gods..! You behave a whole lot like this in every reincarnation!"

"I get reborn?"

"We all get reborn."

"Whose we?"

"The souls needed in recurring cycles."

"Yare yare. You're just saying that to recover your mystique."

"I'm risking a whole lot to save your life."

"Eh?"

"You're going to pull out of this corner. You're going to do it safely."

"What are you risking? S'this all for me?"

"And for a friend of mine. A dear friend who, inexplicably can't bear a world without you."

"Can I get her numb – "

The woman disappeared. Life, sound, reality roared back into action. I pulled back and followed the racer in first. He shot away. My heart was beating, my pulse was going. No time to analyse weird visions. I chased for one, two, three laps. Number one kept ahead, didn't give an inch. Frustration howled through my entire being. So close, so damn close and I was about to throw the last race. We were down on the final lap. The rear wing of my opponent mocked me. Hideo's voice came over again

"Just gun it Tenoh! Take second."

My team. They'd worked so hard. But I'd missed that chance to overtake. I'd fallen into another weird haze. Not the stuff of champions. I watched dismally as the race leader took the turn into the winning straight. Then he shuddered, his car came out wide. This was it, my window! Like a demon I shot forth, burst through the gap and down the straight. I couldn't believe it…!

The chequered flag was mine.

The speakers, their mad excitement at the head-to-head finish, the glowing boards and cameras all faded from my attention. A glimmering sea of support, those faces of those strangers calling my name, smiling, laughing, revelling in my team's victory.

That is what I will remember.

I cruised past on a victory lap but before I pulled in to pit I was struck once again with a vision. For a moment I was certain. I could have sworn I saw Kuriko, up in one of the boxes, her hands against the window, her mouth open, calling. When I looked back the vision had gone. Of course it had. The box was only filled with suits, those many corporate somebodies, all of whom were nobody to me.


	24. Chapter 24

X

M

X

The room burst out in celebration. Another rush of champagne glasses travelled though, well timed with the giant bottle we viewed on a 20 foot screen, one which was well shaken by a particular champion, and which exploded thousands of yen worth of froth over her giddy team mates.

"Kampai!" Her voice came out over loud speakers.

"Kampai!" We all called in response.

Competitors in red and blue stood either side, grinning almost as widely, heroes against a backdrop of sponsors' logos. In a multitude of languages came the urgent commentary. Shun was happily occupied in handshakes and backslaps. I was pleased to see this rise in energy. In amongst the forest of jolly businessmen I held Kuriko on my hip to better view the scenes outside.

"Where's the King?"

"See that screen?" I pointed out. Kuri squirmed.

"Where in _real life_?" she responded testily.

I suppose she had seen many images in digital or printed format by now. Even at this proximity, Haruka was far as ever, two dimensional, televised. I looked out across the stadium to where the winners' podium was swarmed by black. Camera crews, journalists, and so much dark, angular equipment encircled the stand.

"Down there," I said, "Below that yellow banner?"

"Mmm…ya. Near where we came in?"

"Right by there, yes."

"'Kay." She promptly lost interest and wriggled to be replaced to the floor.

I watched her return to the room where her video game awaited and silently hoped that no violent tendencies had been picked up on. Funny child.

The jubilant businessmen reconverged around me. In time I found I didn't mind. Their boyish enthusiasm was infectious. I was caught up, pulled in to the current of festivity. Something in all of us was united. Caps in silver and white were tossed. Not another woman in sight, though I smiled through it all. Oh the triumph of a national team!

From the safety of our box I watched the thousands more seated outside. There were dyed, wild hairstyles, painted faces; a throbbing crowd utterly mad in their crows of glory. And up there on the screen was the woman who spurred them all on. Ah, I shouldn't be surprised, should I? She held her trophy aloft to a roaring response. Her arms appeared shaky. Of course they were. There was a close up of her face as she beamed like a star; it brought tears to my eyes.

That work, that fire, that pressure and there she stood. As if there had never been shame, scandal, agony. Never the coldness of corporate entities, the enraging misogynists of this culture. She turned slowly, cast her gaze over the world, and seemed to thank us all. There was forgiveness, joy in her expression. Oh, joy, unadulterated, as I had not seen in so very long.

"Your daughter, Ms. Kaioh," a man asked beside me, "Seems a real fan already, eh?"

"Sorry? Oh yes." I wiped my eyes, "Yes she is but –"

"And yourself too I see! I'd never have picked it."

"No?"

"Not much of a ladies game, but perhaps we'll be seeing a few more like you given our current champion huh?"

"Mm, maybe so… I should probably just check on that daughter of mine."

I escaped, really needing some time without interruption. It was overwhelming. I felt close to bursting, so utterly unable to sing of the stories I knew of her. Yes, I knew all about gym regimens, yes, and the rehabilitation, I knew her pain and of her struggle, I'd helped her dress, bathe, sleep, I'd been taxied around town at a speed to break the sound barrier, I'd _been_ there…!

I made my way through the pinstripes and charcoal greys as gracefully as one could when ones company was considerably… liquored-up.

Walking to the nursery I found the door open. Kuriko wasn't in front of her game. I ran to the crib… Kaede was gone. So was her pushchair. They were nowhere, vanished had left a wake of hideous quiet. Oh Gods! Gods, how could I have…? I looked out to the jostling male bodies, the dozens of ruddy faces and was taken with a sick dread. _One of them?_ Oh I couldn't think of it. I pushed through the crowd checking corners, behind curtains, the nooks of the kitchen. I rustled and threw back coverings, inconsolable in my mania. Shun noticed me, approached with a mildly drunken perplexity.

"An earring…?"

"Our daughters…!"

"What? Okay," sobriety seemed to kick in, "Okay, hang on."

"Shun, what if it was one of these… one of these _clients_ of yours?"

He looked around, appeared to do a head count before shaking his head.

"Nah, no, these are all the same set. They've been around Kuri before. Wait, that door's not closed. Bloody waiters! Did she ask to go anywhere?"

"Like where?" I was desperate. He wasn't nearly concerned enough.

"Wasn't she asking about souvenirs before…?"

"The King!"

"Sorry?"

"Shun, she's gone down to the podium. How are we going to find her? There are thousands of people, she's so little and Kae-chan! What if she…"

My husband placed a hand on my shoulder, the set of his eyes both grave and calm. He caught a champagne waiter and murmured something about keeping up the entertainment, then led me out of through the door. Kuri-chan's cap was located in the lift. Beyond I heard the echoes of the swarming masses. It sent a chill right through me. My heart hammered. Shun was silent. We dashed out onto the ground floor where the sound seemed louder still, it coursed around the concrete corridors beneath the main seating. Debris from snack food, cigarettes, and a miscellany of trodden paper and cans rolled about. Puddles, dirt and mud were tramped through in every direction, how would I find pushchair tracks?

I clasped Kuriko's cap in both hands looking wildly for a sign. Shun grabbed my arm.

"Over there, through the barricade, it's blocked by security but she could have slipped…"

I was already running. I felt a twinge of regret with the splatter of foul water on my rather expensive heels. Breaking into the light, a security guard stopped my progress. I might have torn his head off had Shun not shown his VIP pass. One I'd forgotten. With access granted we sprinted across the cleared track up towards the centre of attention. Over the speakers came the congratulatory comments from the second place winner. I ran and ran while Shun huffed close behind. Pain burnt down my shins.

The throng of camera bearers was impenetrable. A second set of bouncers stopped us without lenience. We didn't have a media pass.

"_Media Pass?" _I fairly yelled at the sunglass-wearing lout.

Could one not purchase some kind of divine, all access pass? The guard put his paw flat against my chest, against the lovely silk of my bodice; he had no ear for my plea. Shun lost it then, threatening law suits and… The cameras moved from the speaker to the floor. Something before the podium was calling their attention. I couldn't see over the back of the news-hungry crowd. I turned to look at the video capture and _Oh_, she was there, they were both there. My babies.

Kuriko and Kaede were beamed 20 feet high on the main screen. Mad little adventurers! Where had they inherited such heroics? I grasped Shun's arm and pointed to the display. He promptly lost his train of thought and the security officer was relieved of his legalese diatribe.

"They're okay. Oh, Shun, they're okay…!"

On the screen, looking up at so many insistent grown-ups, Kuri appeared frightened. She was calling out something. I wanted to go in. The security personnel remained oblivious to the situation, stoic and dumb and deaf.

I watched as Haruka was televised, her distinctive body in silver slipping through the hordes. They parted, if only to get a better picture. She walked to Kuri-chan and crouched down to her level. The noise of the commentary ran over them. Moronic droning about strategy and timing. I watched Haruka embrace Kuriko. I watched as Kuriko point to her little sister as Haruka's betrayed a look of wonder. Her smile. Her tears. She held Kuri in one arm and put out a hand, wriggled her finger in a baby wave to Kae. Kaede gripped the offending digit. I laughed. Shun, beside me, looked on. There was grief, deep and unspoken in his eyes. I held his hand, and rubbed up and down his arm as we watched the silent movie of this most unorthodox reunion.

"Don't you remember when we first met her? The function at the gallery?"

"I thought she was a _man_ then," said Shun, "I don't think we spoke."

"_Ara_, so did I. But it was right to give them that sponsorship. Look at what has become, look at what may have never been without your help. You are tied to this victory as much as anyone."

"Victory?" He practically coughed the word, "I would give it all up for you."

"_Shun_."

The cameras continued to play images of our children. They fingered the trophy. Kaede was quite animated, shaking he arms and pulling little faces.

"I have lost _everything_ to this victory." He said.

"You have nothing less than when you started."

"It's not true."

"Don't do this now…" I begged.

He was silent for a while.

"When we first met her, it was not unlike this." I spoke, "She had Kuri-chan in her arms. She took care of our daughter when we'd lost sight." I held Shun's hand more tightly, "Shun, I'm asking you as a parent, not as a wife, _look. _Just look at how our daughters are loved. Kuri-chan particularly. She will need care, patience, support… I should know."

"She has that _now_. What do you mean?"

"I was young too," I said, "when my parents separated."

"I…" his voice was breaking, "I suppose… I still hoped that you might stay… I thought, with the baby… but as soon as you see _her_… "

"You know it's not that simple."

He drew in a breath, seemed to steal himself, maybe try to re-establish the blockade of manliness.

"…I…Yes, I know."

"Come with me now, I think our kids have spent more than enough time in the spotlight."

X

H

X

Oh, _hey_, could Ms. Kaioh ever produce some gorgeous offspring! I was crouched down by her crib, in part to block out intrusive reporters. Her name was Kaede, Kae-Kae was an acceptable alternative according to Kuri-chan. Tiny Kaede, bright and burbling like a trooper. Though, honestly, why she was named after blazing red maple leaves was beyond me. She had Michiru's eyes, she must be learning her expressions.

"I'm trying to teach her tricks," said Kuriko, "But she's pretty dumb still."

"Hmm yeah," I looked over into the pushchair where my finger was held captive, "She's probably always going to be a bitter dumber than you, kiddo, all part of being a big sister."

"Mm… what's so great about that?"

"Well, it's a serious job for sure – you have, what, like _five years_ of stuff to explain to her. When you're done explaining that, you'll have to do the next and the next years…"

"She can't even learn words."

"Nah, but she will."

"Probably only bad ones."

"That so? Bad ones, huh?"

"Ya like '_ass'_ and… and '_flirt'_…"

"Flirt? Who said that was…"

"Hey, my explorers!" It was Abe, he'd cleared a path and bent down to take Kuriko from me.

"What were you up to huh?" he spoke gently to his daughter, "You trying to steal Ms. Tenoh's trophy?"

"_Papa_, Kae-Kae wanted to come see."

"Oh, all _Kae-Kae's _idea, was it?"

She nodded her confirmation. Abe smiled, shook his head, then turned to me. I rose, accepted his quick, firm handshake.

"Tenoh, congratulations, it was quite a show."

"Thanks, hey, I couldn't have done it without…"

Over his shoulder I saw Michiru. I swallowed. She was a beacon in the crowd, in a pearlescent and _totally unsuitable_ cocktail dress she stood holding one of our team caps. Abe, with Kuriko in one arm, managed to push the pram out through the crowd. Michiru slowed him in his exit, greeting, berating, and embracing her children. Once they had passed from my sight, she came towards me.

"Yatta, ne," she said quietly, so close I could smell her perfume.

It was a scent of familiarity, of something like home in amongst the mud and sweat and burn. I wanted to fill my lungs with it; I wanted to remember kindness.

"You came." I managed.

"I wouldn't miss you for the world."

I lost my words. Around us came a flurry of snapping, questions, and incoherent journalistic babble. _My friend… can't bear a world without you_…

The world, the world, the world…was it all the same? Connected?

"Oh, I've missed you Haruka."

She dropped the cap and brought her hands to the back of my neck, though my hair, and drew me down to her meet lips. Was this the kiss of a friend? Of one caught up in a win? I could only kiss her as I meant it, with relief, remorse, rediscovery. With an inferno through my body, and smoke across my better judgement. She kissed oh, so sweetly, so searchingly, so… like… her... I wrapped my arms around her back. She buried her face in my neck. I held and held her like a lifeline in the chaos.


	25. Chapter 25

X

M

X

"This is crazy."

With my head at her chest, I felt her voice as much as heard it, a low reverberation, soothing and thrilling at the same time.

"Such is life." I said. "Any plan?"

"Hmm… maybe, if we stand very still, they won't realize we're here…"

Cameras flashed furiously. Questions came like machine gun fire.

"Maybe, if you weren't in such a shiny suit."

"Mmm, nice _shiny_ dress, by the way."

I pulled back to look at her face again, resisted kissing it and whispered, "I want to steal you away."

Oh, there wasn't magic enough for it to be done, I fear that even were we able to fly, some news-hungry helicopter pilot would have hunted us down. It wasn't long before we were separated; Haruka escorted by a man wearing a sharp suit and a rather pensive expression and myself by two of the same security guards from before. In truth I was thankful of the human barricade. Overwhelmed and under fire I made it across the stadium.

By the time my shaking legs had carried me back to the box, the party had disbanded. Kuriko was bouncing, Kaede was hungry, Shun was sullen. He sat on an emptied champagne crate and watched the floor. Cleaning staff fluttered back and forth. I dealt first with the smallest member of my family, gathering her in my arms and moving to the nursery.

"You could have waited." Shun's voice followed me. It sounded hollow.

I paused in my progression, then walked on.

_No, no I couldn't have._

There had been too many days and nights, those before and after having met. How long was long enough to bear these feelings? How long to go unheard, unknown and unknowing? I held Kaede's hopeful face to me. I said nothing.

Shun said nothing. In fact, he continued saying nothing, limiting verbalization to confirmation or negation in a series of grunts for quite some time. Kuriko became grizzly. Kaede followed suit, crying through the night with renewed vigor. I moved us from our hotel room to the bullet train, and onwards. We made the trip back to the estate under the funk of Shun's mood, the threat of Kuri's disobedience, and the constancy of my bewildered exhaustion. I felt punished, and would have felt completely under attack had it not been for Kaede's blessed unconsciousness. Her presently nocturnal lifestyle at least gave some respite during the day.

The morning following our return Shun had found his voice again. Early, while Kuri was still entertained by her cartoons, he met me at the dining table. He looked tired, shaken. His entire body told the story of bitter surrender.

"I've arranged it with work," he said, "I made the calls last night. I'm going away for a while."

"What? For how long?"

"Just… a while."

"Shun, you can't _do_ this now."

"Why? You were allowed to '_do this'_ not so long ago."

"Kaede isn't sleeping through, Kuri-chan needs proper attention. I'm absolutely dead on my feet. This isn't the time for a holiday!"

"This is what you wanted."

"You can't abdicate all responsibility to… sulk!"

"_Sulk? _You would call it that? I'd have thought you'd understand."

"How? This is crazy."

"I just need some time out. I need… I've arranged to be away for two weeks, fourteen days, does that _fit in_ with you?"

"Don't speak to me like that."

"_Understand_."

"What?"

"That way you look at _her_… that way you feel for her that means you can't keep away. That makes you ready to throw it all…"

He swallowed, blinked, looked back at me,

"That is how I feel about _you_… can you say the same of her?"

"I don't know."

"But it doesn't matter, does it?" He wasn't really asking.

"I don't know what to say."

"Just… understand that I can't live with you, can't live like this waiting for you to leave. I need to get away. Get out of this routine. Kids, work, kids…you. I can't stay here and watch you watching someone else. My flight is in three hours. Please, when I return, please… just go, just be wherever you're planning on going."

X

H

X

The guys were crazy as all hell! Yowling and mock fighting, grabbing bunches of hair, wielding sloshing bottles from open cab windows…

We took over the bar at our hotel, inducing some distress in the waitresses cursed with that particular shift. In pretty, pressed uniforms of navy and white, the staff looked from Kenji, slurring incomprehensibly to Machu, presently shirtless, and seemed close to tears.

"Get some clothes on, son!" Hideo growled. "No one wants to see that."

"They all of them want a… some of this…!" Machu reasoned. Loudly.

He then stood and embarked on an obscene kind of belly dance.

"Agh! Seriously, you'll get hair in my drink!" said Taki.

"Ooo hoo hoo…!" Machu sat down heavily. "Does our lead mechanic only have eyes for T-T-T Tenoh's T-T-T-"

"_Trophy_?" I sent a warning look that was not missed.

"Mm. Good trophy… nice." Machu grinned into his beer.

Kenji sniggered. I looked at Taki, she was smiling too. Hideo let out a guffaw.

"Bastards!" I yelled at them. "_Who_ won this damn title?"

"You!" Machu fell forward, half killed me in a sweaty, semi-naked embrace. I pushed him off. I held up a fist. It made him giggle. They all did. I, by comparison, fought to purge the stench of my stripper colleague from sensory memory.

"Ah, you did good, kid. Amazing." Hideo smiled.

"I don't know how you busted through in the end." Taki said, "You've got some kind of divine intervention on your side."

Then I smiled, "You have no idea."

"Yessswe dooo." Kenji piped up, "Saw an angel trying to swallow your tongue…!"

"She _wasn't_-"

"I didn't realize sponsorship was so… involved!"

"Don't make me…!"

"Ah, but she must really love you." Said Machu.

I didn't know what to say to that…

"There is no other reason she'd grab your sweaty ass after hours in a car!"

Fuelled by liquor, triumph and total idiocy our conversation maintained a similar level of eloquence well into the evening. I made sure to tip well.

Alone in my suite I imagined she would have travelled back to Tokyo already. I supposed she would need to feed her children, tend to her husband. Given their combined presence it would seem they were back together.

X

Post win publicity events came and went. Not surprisingly, there were now several more sponsors, big ones, who were keen to have their logo emblazoned on the winning team. My agent had begun complaining about the smaller surface area of my person for the purposes of branding. I told him simply to sell it at a premium. Madness.

Eventually the time came to return home, Hideo warned if didn't take a break, we were likely to get broke, and there was no use for substandard components in his garage. I was good dialling down the limelight, but found I missed the track. Outside of the roar and turmoil I was left feeling acutely aimless.

Other than a musty, unused smell, my apartment was as I'd left it. Small, pillaged of clothes, void of all life. I pulled open the curtains, pushed open the windows, sat on the sofa and watched for ghosts of her presence. Kaioh Michiru, arriving with my jacket, collecting Kuri-chan. Kaioh Michiru striding naked from my bedroom to the shower… always in transit. Coming and going and going again.

She hadn't contacted me. It was a confirmation in itself. But I had worked too hard, I had promised myself this. I picked up the phone, dialed the same old digits.

"Hello."

"…it's me."

"Haruka?"

"Yes, I…" I was interrupted by the sound of Kuri in the background "_Is that the King?"_

"_Shh sweetheart_, I'm so glad you called!"

"…sweetheart?"

"Kuriko is trying to steal the phone…"

"Is she?"

"Mmm. She's also been threatening to run away and join the racing circuit."

"That's cute…tell her I'll take her anytime… Michiru?

"Yes?"

"Are you able to meet me?"

"…yes."

"I'm not trying to… There's something I wanted to discuss with you."

"Ara, how formal!"

X

M

X

It felt as though I were moving through the thickest of cloud, tiredly struggling with Kuriko's after-school timetable and arranging a sitter for Kaede. Eventually I gave up and left them both with my mother. The inconvenience was quickly forgotten with a well-timed burble from my youngest daughter. My mother insisted the noise was some interpretation of her own name. Kuriko was less impressed by the change in plan.

"_You're_ going to see the King."

"Be good for your grandma, I just have a few errands to run."

"I want to come too."

"I'm sorry darling, there's just not enough time."

"But I'm so good at err-rants!"

In the end I had appeased her with the promise of baked goods. I was terribly late. After finally finding a park I rushed into the café where we were to meet. 40 minutes ago. It was quaint, a bell tinkled as I entered. A waitress looked up interestedly.

"Irrashai."

The area to my right it was vacant, to my left was an elderly couple and nearby a solo diner… One with a cap covered head, a back in plaid…? But no, it wasn't her. She wouldn't wear such things. Deflated, I approached the counter.

"Have you seen a woman, a blonde?"

"A woman? Sorry Miss." She shook her head, "Can I get you something?"

"No, I'm not sure that I'll be… what about a man?"

"Get you a man? I'm afraid I think this is the wrong place for-"

"Has a blonde _man_ come this way?"

"Oh him, _yes_. Gorgeous. He's just up there."

I followed her look, found the entrance to the staircase, which took me to the next floor. At the sound of my footsteps, Haruka turned. She was seated beside the window, accompanied by a bottle of water and two glasses. She appeared apprehensive, but smiled politely. It stirred anxiety in me. Nothing so serious could be good news.

"I like it up here," she said by way of introduction, "You can see further and it's pretty vacant by 3… or so."

"I'm so sorry I'm late," I sat in the chair across from her.

"Spent all that time getting dressed?" she smiled cheekily.

"Oh, my children actually. I don't feel I have time to breathe at the moment, Kaede just won't sleep through, Kuriko isn't…" I shook my head.

"Sorry, I'm sure you aren't here to listen to all of this." I finished.

"No, it's okay, really. It is about that, I guess…"

"Please tell me you're retiring from racing to become a babysitter."

"I'm sure you can find a higher caliber of child minder."

"Don't be sure."

She looked at me then, didn't speak for a moment. I imagined, maybe hoped, that she sought out my memories, explanation of our time apart. I watched her in return, her ruffled hair, her undeniable eyes. So much they had seen, so much they had missed…

"Michiru, you asked me, before I left, you said you wanted my help. As a friend. Ally. Something like that. I was too proud or… I don't' know. I let you down. I'm sorry."

"You're here to apologize?"

"I'm here… trying to help. I'm better equipped now. You were worried about… you didn't know what would happen with your kids if… when you met someone else."

"I was, but…"

"If you were drawn into the whole legal thing it'd be…"

"Awful."

"…Expensive."

"Well, yes, though…"

"Michiru, the prize money, I want you to take it."

"Sorry?"

"From the race… I can't, _I won't_ let Kuriko be taken from you, I guess with Kaede they might-"

"Haruka, stop."

"_Please_."

"I don't need any money. I have rather a successful music career, incase you hadn't noticed."

"I had…" she started.

"You live in a tiny apartment. You're right at the beginning of this racing thing. You've just taken an international title… what are you thinking?"

"I'm trying to be…"

"What? A friend?"

"How would _I_ ever get to see Kuri if you…"

"Haruka," I placed a hand on hers, "Be honest with me."

"…Okay."

"We've never been any good at being friends."

She looked pained. I brought my hand up to her face, willed away some of that uncertainty.

"But I tried…" she objected

"I tried too." I said, "It's okay."

"It's _not_. It's so hard…" She shut her eyes. "It's still so hard…"

"Haruka…"

"Why won't you take the stupid money?"

"Look at me, I don't need it. I don't think Shun's about to demand sole custody. Definitely not at the moment…"

"Huh?"

I placed my hand on her other cheek, rubbed my thumb back and forth. Attempting gentleness while my heart was racing.

"I need some help moving furniture."


	26. Chapter 26

X

H

X

_Damn, damn, damn_… I followed her car along the route I had travelled previously to her mother's house. Seriously, in all of Japan, perhaps the world, this would be the last place I'd aspire to visit. Kuri and Kae would be there though. Surely she wouldn't assault me in front of children… surely. Wouldn't attempt to turn me to stone with the _Kaioh Death Stare_.

Michiru met me at the gate; she smiled sweetly and totally without warning, took my hand and led me to the front door. A thickening sense of dread, a fear evoking memories of every teenage infringement, of every wronged lover, arose within me. Michiru, lightly, gracefully, indented the doorbell with her index finger… as though it were in no way related to the tolling bells of doom.

Footsteps, regular, meaningful, approached. I resisted the urge to dive into a nearby bush. A click, the turn of the knob, the door creaked open and… Mrs. Kaioh emerged. Though stately, immaculately dressed, she appeared as startled to see me, as I was her. She looked from Michiru, to me, to our intertwined fingers and back to Michiru. I made an attempt to extricate my offending hand but found it clasped firmer. I tried a smile instead. I expect the result was rather twisted.

"Mother, this is Tenoh Haruka,"

"Thank you, I have already made _Ms. Tenoh_-"

"Is that Mama?" Kuri's voice and distinctive scamper sounded in the background.

I really did smile then.

"Y-Yes," Mrs. Kaioh turned back into the house, "it's your mama, Kuri,"

"Does she have doughnuts?"

"Well," Mrs. Kaioh said stiffly, narrowing her eyes which swiveled between us, "_Do_ you?"

"I brought you something else…" Michiru called, "it's waiting outside."

"Something good?"

"Ara, _usually_."

"Huh?" The little enquirer appeared at her grandmother's knee height, "King!"

She bolted outside, grabbed at my legs.

"Hey!" I picked her up, tossed her into the air and caught her again, "My number one fan!"

"Ya but I lost my hat."

"Don't worry, I have spares. Many, _many_ spares."

"But will it be silver?"

"Yup."

"But will it be too big for KaeKae 'cos she's only a baby?"

"Definitely."

"Okay…" She patted the side of my face playfully. "How come you're here?"

"To see you."

"How long for."

"Long as I'm allowed."

"Don't worry, you can stay for ages. Grandma's bed is real big. You can share."

"I…"

"I most certainly think not!" said Mrs. Kaioh senior.

"Oh, not sure that I would be so comfortable with that either," said her daughter.

This apparently was _not_ funny.

"So you've returned from your _date?_ Ready to be a mother again?"

"I've acquired some assistance. Haruka has offered a hand with-" Michiru started.

"Is _that_ what they're calling it these days?"

Michiru sighed, if I didn't know her better, I would have sworn she rolled her eyes.

"Is Kaede through in the lounge?"

"Yes but Michiru, she's just started her nap and-"

"That's alright."

Younger mother, followed quickly by older mother, disappeared inside. I waited on the doorstep with Kuri, who took advantage of her elevated position. My collar was pulled up and fringe pushed back. She placed her hands on either side of my face and moved my head back and forth.

"Good, good job," she said, "Do your style like this. Do your hair like this. Then you can be…a salary man!"

"Hm? Is there lots of maths?"

"Ya, only maths."

"I hate maths."

"Me too."

It was amazing how much stuff a tiny baby required. Michiru reappeared with a stroller, several bags in addition to her own handbag, all artfully draped over her person. Her mother followed angrily. I reassigned my attention to the child in my arms.

"Right hotshot, you ready to go?" I asked.

"Ya my stuff's in Kae's bag."

"You sure? Got your jumper?"

"Yup."

"You bring any books?"

"Nope."

"You sure."

"Yup."

"Your shoes?"

"Y- No, they're down there."

I let her down. Kuriko trotted over and waggled and stamped her way into the pink footwear. I stood upright once more and noticed the bemused expressions of my fellow adults.

"You seem to…" Michiru's mother appeared truly gob smacked, "have you children of your own Ms Tenoh?"

"Huh? I just… it's hard to forget the routine." I shrugged, "You know how she gets when she leaves her books somewhere. Only way to avoid apocalypse is to drive back to every place you visited over the last week. Buying the same book doesn't work either… _unless_ you hide and re find it."

This explanation did nothing to alleviate Mrs. Kaioh's shock.

"Re-hiding… I hadn't considered that." Michiru looked thoughtful for a moment.

Her mother remained speechless. It was a disability we took full advantage of. With kids, kit and caboodle in hand, we were halfway down the path before she found her voice again.

"Michiru, we need to talk."

"I'm sure we will."

"_Soon_, young lady."

"Thanks for your help…!"

"With _both_ of you it would seem!"

I think I actually felt my hair stand on end at that last comment.

We strapped in Kaede to her baby seat and packed Michiru's car with the remaining and vast ranging implements of baby-care. It was decided that the navigation in my vehicle would be with the assistance of GPS extraordinaire, Kuriko Abe. It was also decided that legally required speed limits were not to be broken by more than 10km/h.

After struggling against the tyranny of her seatbelt, my co-pilot mashed and retuned the car stereo with earnest intent. We settled on listening to a distorted program, possibly in Chinese, with rattled news bulletin voices and jingly interludes.

Through the street of opulent architecture we drove in flickering afternoon light.

"I've missed you." I picked up my hand from the gearshift and ruffled her hair, "More than you could imagine."

"My teacher says I have a _wild_ imagin-na-tion." She sat back, bouncing experimentally against the leather cushioning.

"Does she?"

"I think it's something good."

"I think so too."

She pushed herself up slightly, pressed a hand to the window, watched the houses come by and zoom past.

"Why do you _go_ all the time?"

"Hm?"

"You never stay long."

"I'm sorry kiddo. Didn't you get my postcards?"

"I got them. Me and Dad did them in a project."

"Really? How… is your Dad?"

"Dunno. Put himself in a timeout."

"A time…? Oh, okay."

"Sometimes _I_ get put in timeout."

"I know."

"But it's so unfair! Usually Kae does it and no one believes me."

"Like what?"

"Like… she threw all her clothes and diapers and toys near the bin."

"Did she?"

"Ya, also she drew on my walls. She put Mama's make up on the window."

"Wow, she's been busy."

"Mm. Really busy. She always cries. Mama stays up _all_ the night, _all_ the day. She's got all sleepy and boring."

"That's okay, she'll grow out of it."

"Maybe… but she pretty _bo-_ring…"

X

M

X

I was, unsurprisingly, second in the race to the estate. I had to key in the code before they could roar up the driveway. Kaede chirped happily in the wake of petrol fumes and scattered gravel. Bizarre little thing.

Watching our more sedate advancement, Haruka and Kuriko waited at the front door with similar stances of uncertainty; Haruka, with hands in her pockets, eyes to the sky, Kuri, kicking the pavers impatiently. They both relieved me of bags before I reached the front door. Something in the familiarity of it, the unspoken understanding, tickled a forgotten happiness.

"It's been a while…" Haruka walked through the lounge. "What are you packing for?"

"I'm moving home." I answered.

"Your mother's?"

"My apartment."

"Yare yare, does your mom ever shift a lot?" Haruka raised her eyebrows to Kuri. "Okay, so boxes? Duct tape?"

"Boxes are _bo_ring." Kuriko lamented.

"Are not."

"Are so."

I had to assume this was the superior form of arguing that _the King_ provided. We made our way through halving collections of clothes, toys, books. The production line, beginning with my gathering of objects, was followed by Kuriko's bundling in newspaper, Haruka's tactful re-packing of said bundled objects, and ended with the transfer into both cars. It took longer than I had expected. The things that had amassed in so little time!

After avoiding it for long enough, with the remainder of the household occupied, I went into the master bedroom. Some of my dresses were still hung in the wardrobe. Eveningwear and gorgeous heels I had almost forgotten the sight of. In pregnancy my options in attire had become limited. Or perhaps it had been my desire for eventful evenings that had lagged. I picked up a beautiful, black dress, one with intricate beaded detail around the neckline. I held it to my chest, spun around with an invisible dancer partner and found myself looking at the bed.

It was perfectly made up on the side I used to take, rumpled slightly on his. Whether he hadn't learnt to sleep alone, whether he were still waiting, leaving the space free for me, I couldn't say. I would only be pushed further from his thoughts… An ex wife. It had a nasty ring to it.

I approached, sat on his disheveled sheets and picked up the photos from his bedside table. The largest was a wedding picture, one featuring myself in a heavily brocaded kimono. I remember it being so stiff, but still it photographed beautifully. Beside me, my husband was in grey and black silk, proudly bearing five kamon across his chest. We looked a little younger, nervous, but…yes, happy. There were further photos from the day, formal ones that included our families, many with a little bundle who would grow into the hurricane of my eldest child. In the last of the images Shun, Kuri and myself were captured in the shade of plum blossoms, a unit I had promised to uphold 'til death. Well, perhaps death had come close enough…

When I returned to the lounge/ central freight depot, in the absence of my providing new items to store, I discovered Haruka packing paper around Kuri, who was seated in a box twice her size.

"I think we'll send you to… Timbuktu." said the sensible adult.

Haruka continued stuffing balled newsprint gleefully. Kuriko was packed in to the armpits.

"Is that near Grandma's house?"

"I wish."

"Okay, I would like two… hundred stamps, please."

"Yes."

"A huge ribbon."

"Yes."

"Also, let's send KaeKae somewhere."

"… She's not big enough." Haruka said.

"Ya, okay."

Something in the sight made me want to burst, to laugh out, to cry… I hadn't seen my daughter so animated for a long time. I knelt down beside the parcel stuffer and gathered some paper.

"Timbuktu huh?" I asked.

"Ha…! Mama doesn't know where it even is!"

Kuriko was now really only a head and shoulders. Noticing this, she pushed out a hand sending an eruption of paper into the air. She shrieked and giggled at the result.

"Hmm," Haruka leant in, "Shall we tell her?"

"Okay…" Kuri whispered back, then to me, "Mama, it's right by Grandma's house...!"

"Goodness!" I laughed, "I don't know how she will take to the new neighbors…"

"_Take-oh, take-oh, taaaaake_…" Kuriko occupied herself throwing paper balls into the air, and bating them in an uncoordinated juggle.

"Is Kaede…?" I began.

"She's in her crib," Haruka caught the airborne paper and continued in a futile attempt to bury my eldest. "She was still awake a few moments ago."

"Oh?"

"I just thought if we tried to keep her up now, she might sleep through a bit better."

"Did you just?" I kissed her cheek, grinned at her bewildered expression.

Kuriko, box bound and uncertain, shuffled down and finished burying herself. Her voice came up through the rustling papers.

"How long's the King gonna stay?"

Neither Haruka nor I said anything. She looked down, looked at me and away again. She broke finally, digging into the box with one hand.

"Heh, you want me out of your house already?"

"Nah… you should be in our house like before." said the box, "Has to be the other house. I'm having two houses," A hand displaying two fingers arose from the debris, "You should stay in one."

"Hmm, so you don't have to catch the bus over to my apartment anymore?"

"I don't even do that."

"Did so."

"Did not. You stopped being at _your_ house."

"Kuri-chan… my job means I have to travel around, you know?"

"Get a new one."

"Hm?"

"Get a new job."

"_You_ get a new job."

"I'm too, too busy with my already two houses." The box yawned. "I have two bedrooms, two kitchens, two… thr… a _hundred_ bathrooms-"

"I can believe it." Haruka said. She cleared out the top layer of packing to reveal a tired little face.

"My," I laughed, "I don't think it's wise to try and take this over tonight. My chief packers are fading fast."

"Do I get a story?" Kuri murmured.

"Maybe, if you ask nicely…" I answered.

"Please, do I _please_ get the story about the silver prince, the silver music lady, the… and all the ponies, all the dresses, please?"

"Sounds elaborate." Haruka responded.

They disappeared down the hall and I took to clearing the room of the recent havoc. I heard Kaede burble and sent a silent prayer that she might, if only for tonight, manage to make it for more than 30 minutes without waking…

I was roused from the couch with a hand on my shoulder. I couldn't remember falling asleep. It was a memory lapse that was happening rather too frequently for my liking.

"Michiru?" her face was close. Her lovely eyes had darkened with the evening. I wondered whether I was still in a dream. She spoke again,

"Kuri's asleep. I think Kae's out too. I was just going to go but the gate-"

"Oh, I'm keeping you prisoner?" I asked, my voice a little rough.

I checked, straightened out my clothes and rubbed my eyes. She sat beside me at some distance and looked out to the view from the window. A heavy moon sent light that caught in flecks over the garden of the estate.

"Will you miss it here?" she asked.

"Yes." I said. "I expect I will miss a great many things. Little things in little ways… well, only if I let them catch up with me."

"Ha, now you're starting to sound like me."

"I'm sorry for keeping you trapped here." I said, "I hadn't meant to drift off."

"You don't keep me trapped." She stretched back. "Well, your gates don't anyway."

"You stay to be around my children." I smiled. "Thank you."

"You _know_ that's not true."

"Do I?"

"I," She paused a moment, watched her hands, "Why did you kiss me?"

"Before? You sounded like you'd written the parenting handbook."

"No, not that…I mean, at the race. Y'know?" She folded her arms, "You came over. The cameras went mad. The security guys had to use a crowbar to prise you from my body-"

"My, that story has become convoluted."

"You want to talk convoluted? I tried to tell the _Prince Who Would Not be King_, and kept being stopped to give more details on how, stunning and talented and intelligent the musician was!"

"Just trying to give some realism. I felt your Prince was over-hyped."

"Is that right?" Suddenly she kissed me on the cheek, pulling back with a raised eyebrow as though triumphant. "_That_ is for being a great parent with no sense for story telling."

"Ara, then please, go ahead, do tell."

"I'm not sure you're ready for such greatness…"

"One moment." I lay down with my head on her knees. "Please continue."

"Uh…ye-, right, so… There once was a Prince who would not-"

"Cut to the good part."

"It's _all_ good."

"I want to know if they get it together."

"The jury's still out-"

"Tell the story."

"So the Prince, having lost sight of the musician, wandered through the maze of Princesses until they got fewer and fewer and finally dispersed completely. The castle was empty again. The night was turning to morning and the musician-"

"Who was very pretty-" I interjected.

"…Who was absolutely breath-taking," She looked down at me, pushing a lock of hair from my eyes, "was nowhere to be found. The Prince later discovered that the musician was, in fact, not available. She had a handsome Lord to occupy her time, then some other joker… Anyway, the Prince was beside himself. He stormed through the kingdom, took ships to distant lands, tried everything, anything to forget her."

"And did he?"

"He never could."

"Why was that, Haruka?"

"Because every whisper of the wind was charged with the sound of her sigh. The scent of sea salt reminded him of her body. In every person in every crowd he hunted for a reminder of her face. Even when surrounded by companions, the Prince felt a loneliness he could neither express nor extinguish."

"He should have said something."

"He could neither _express_-"

"He should've stayed on. He should've presented himself, not left a dozen scrunched notes in the side of the couch."

"Wha-…_Oh_…"

"For the musician," I continued, "though stunning and intelligent and generally superior, felt… _so lost_… when the Prince left her without a single promise."

"Wow… that's a sad story." She leant back. "You probably shouldn't tell it to the munchkin or she'll have a totally warped perception on adult rela-"

"_Tenoh Haruka_."

"Mm."

"You are worse than your fiction."

"How many ways do I have to tell you?"

"Everyway… until I believe you."

"Well then…I ache in your absence." She dropped her head closer.

"Hm?"

"I keep our time together etched right here."

With her right hand she drew an 'x' over her heart.

"Uh huh."

"I find you maddeningly attractive," Her fringe tickled my forehead, for a long while we watched each other, not moving, not speaking.

Finally, she continued her voice low,

"And of course I love you… How could you ever think otherwise?"

"Ara… You're rather a complicated character." I lifted my head to kiss her again.

"Hmm," She pulled back, "You have nothing to say to me?"

"What if I were to show you?"

"Hm?"

"Take me to bed."


	27. Epilogue

X

H

X

We fell to the mattress; her hands at my neck, grasped, yanked pulled open the shirt I had chosen so carefully. We met at the mouth, hips, thighs. I tugged the zip down the length of her spine, pushed straps from her shoulders, trailed my hands, felt for every curve and corner, mapped out lost journeys across her flesh. I inhaled remembrance; I exhaled with a shudder. She held me tightly to her. Nails along my back, fingers through my hair.

Together we moved in serpentine lines. Together we breathed in artless syncopation. Together we ached and shivered and gasped and found ourselves… found, in the quiet that followed, a wonder and a safety, ancient and familiar.

She kept me in an unyielding embrace into the early morning. When exhaustion threatened, slackening her arms, I watched her look up sleepily. And she smiled.

"I love you too," she said.

"Don't forget it."

"I can't. However much I've tried…"

She replaced her head on my chest.

"Will you be my housewife?" she said.

"You still have a husband."

"_Details, details_…" she murmured to the air, "Haruka…?"

"Mm?"

"On our way to my apartment… let's pick up some of your things."

"Hmm.. I thought _I_ was fast…"

"Just a few things…" she yawned disarmingly. "Whatever isn't tied down…"

X X X X X

A few things became the contents of my home. Her apartment became ours, and in time we packed that up again for a house a little larger, somewhere with space for Kuri and Kaede to play when they were over… which was most of the time. My odd timetable meant I was more flexible with school pick-ups. Swimming lessons. Art classes. Volleyball practice…

A truce of varying stability was reached with Michiru's mother; Shun turned out to be an okay guy… at least he lived up to not tying us up in court cases. Guess he loved those kids too much to put 'em through it. Guess we all did. Kaede grew to look more and more like her mother, while cultivating an unusual interest in motor vehicles. _Unusual_. Who was I to judge?

And so it was, on a summery Saturday, that I sat by the edge of the lawn on a property paid for with race money and watched the kids. Kuriko had taken up gymnastics and was attempting to guide Kaede in the art of handstands. It was a hopeless exercise, but the passing years had seen Kuri grow more patient with her sister. Still had that wicked sense of humor though. Michiru came out from the house and sat beside me, resting her head on my shoulder.

"Seems like only yesterday they were small enough to carry around…"

"Ah," I smiled, "You just need to work on your upper body strength."

"Oh? You would complain about my body?"

"_Never_." I turned to kiss her, then saw the magazine in her hands. The _suspicious_ magazine in her hands. "What's an IVF… it doesn't sound like an engine…?"

"Fertility treatment."

"Eh?"

"It's quite common, you know? A little pricey but… Oh, Haruka, it would mean I could have your baby…!"

"_What_?"

"Well, we'd get a donor, I suppose… my male counterpart-"

"I think we'd struggle to find a _man_ who looked anything like you."

"Ara, you know what I mean."

"…It sounds like you mean to have three children with three different mothers… I don't know, Ms. Kaioh, people may start to talk…"

"They started talking _long_ ago." She grabbed my arm. "Haruka, just think about it. A little girl, a little version of you!"

"… that's what I'm afraid of."

"Oh, just think how cute she'd be!"

"It would be a boy."

"Why must you argue?"

"The premonition fairy." I said. "The premonition fairy knows all."

Fin.

Oh, but the Prince? Right, so the silver-suited Prince, who was charming and gallant and… monogamous, sought out the beautiful musician. With the bravery of ten thousand men he confessed his love. With the talent of ten _million_ women, she returned it. Together they enjoyed hours and hours in the royal chamber… after that he really had no choice but to marry her.

When the musician arrived at the finest shrine in the kingdom, dressed in a most stunning and ornately decorated wedding gown, (one you might describe at length to a small child) the Prince knew he had become King. He could feel it in his swelling, rather handsome chest; he could see it in her lovely, tear-stained face. Together they ruled their people justly and fearlessly. Together they were able to traverse the globe, though oddly, never feel they had left home at all.

This story of the King and his Queen was told many times over. And though in retelling it grew more complex, a Chinese whisper carried by the tongues of strangers, the core of the story remained true.

It is a story of the ties that are broken, those with safety, with reason and the many myths of normality. It is a story of the ties that must re-grow and replace. It is a story, far stretching, ever evolving and long laced through time.

This is the same story known by all great lovers of the world.


End file.
